Prelude

(Thunder. Wind and rain sounds. Knocks on door. The second incarnation of ROMANA as played by Lalla Ward answers.)
ROMANA: Oh, what is it now? Yes?
(Door creaks open.)
THE DOCTOR: Romana? How are you? And is that K9?
(Door closed, walking forwards.)
K9: Master.
THE DOCTOR: You haven't aged a bit, not a speck of rust.
ROMANA: Thank you, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Nice rooms you have here, Romana - sorry, Madam President Romana. Dark and mysterious - Gallifrey at its most typical. What do the Time Lords have against pastels?
ROMANA: (inward laugh) Doctor, delighted as I am to see you - and I like the new body, by the way - perhaps you wouldn't mind telling me ... before the entire Chancellery Guard come crashing in here demanding to know who has breached the transduction barriers and materialised the TARDIS right outside the Presidential Palace ... what exactly you are doing here.
THE DOCTOR: Practical as ever. All right - Romana, I need to take you away from all this.
K9: Master, the Mistress has duties.
THE DOCTOR: To the State, yes - to the Time Lords, yes, yes - blah, blah, blah. Come on, Romana, this is me . I need you. You and K9, in fact.
ROMANA: Why?
THE DOCTOR: Earth, Cambridge, Nineteen Seventy-Nine.
ROMANA: What about it?
THE DOCTOR: We were there, in the old days, when you and I and K9 here travelled around, righting wrongs, collecting Keys to Time, defacing Leonardo's works of art...
ROMANA: Yeah, all right, Doctor, I remember that.
THE DOCTOR: There we were, you and me, on a punt up the Cam, taking about Wordsworth, Newton, Owen Chadwick.
ROMANA: What about it? As I recall you and I were abruptly taken out of Time, and kept in stasis for a while, then we were put back again, and we soon went on somewhere else.
THE DOCTOR: Aha!
ROMANA: Aha ... what?
THE DOCTOR: Why did we go to Cambridge in the first place, hmm?
(K9's antennae whirring.)
K9: You intended to visit Professor Chronotis, Master, an associate of yours. Resides at Saint Cedd's College, Cambridge, Earth, Sol Three, Mutter's Spiral, the Milky Way...
THE DOCTOR: Yes, thank you, K9, we don't need his postcode.
K9: C-B-One...
ROMANA: Thank you, K9. K9, do you recall why we were planning to visit the Professor?
K9: Negative, Mistress.
ROMANA: I see.
THE DOCTOR: Well, that's odd. Don't you think that's odd, Romana? You see, I assumed K9's memory wouldn't be affected as his brain isn't organic.
K9: Correction Master, I do not recall these events. I did not witness them. I recall your last words to me as you left the TARDIS on that occasion.
THE DOCTOR: Of course, I couldn't take you punting. What did I say?
(K9 "clears throat".)
K9: "K9, I am going to see an old friend with Romana, we'll be back before lights out."
ROMANA: This is bizarre.
THE DOCTOR: How long were we gone, K9?
K9: Two hours, twenty-one minutes, thirteen point two six seconds. You returned with the Mistress and said you planned to make some changes.
THE DOCTOR: Changes?
K9: You stated you had got nowhere in the last few hours, and we should get our bathing suits on as we were going to Brighton.
ROMANA: So, we didn't see Professor Chronotis, then.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, I think we did. I think we did because last night, I had a dream about him. And I could clearly see you, all Edwardian glamour, and myself all teeth and curls punting on the Cam. Then I saw old Chronotis, he was calling to me.
ROMANA: Why now?
THE DOCTOR: Maybe to do whatever it was he originally wanted us to do.
ROMANA: You could go without me, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: What, and miss the chance of solving the mystery that's plaguing you right now?
ROMANA: It's only plaguing me because you've just told me about it. If you hadn't arrived just now...
THE DOCTOR: Oh, please, Romana, please. Please, please, please? You want a trip back to Earth, don't you, K9? You liked Earth.
K9: Negative, Master, the composition of the soils interfered with my traction.
THE DOCTOR: There you see, Romana, K9 wants to come with me. And I rather suspect we all need to be there this time if we're going to solve this mystery properly. Come on, Romana, come on, K9. We've got to go back. Back to Cambridge, Nineteen Seventy-Nine.

Part One

(Opening Doctor Who theme tune, arranged by David Arnold.)
ANNOUNCER: Doctor Who. Shada. By Douglas Adams. Part One.

(Male electronic voice)
VOICE OF THINKTANK: This is a recorded message. The Institute for Advanced Scientific Studies is under strict quarantine. Do not approach. Do not approach. Everything is under our control. This is a recorded message...
(Walking forwards.)
CALDERA: Skagra? Skagra, what's going on? Where are you, man?
SKAGRA: Professor Caldera? When did you call?
CALDERA: Where's everyone else? Thira, and Akrotiri...
SKAGRA: Oh, waiting for you in here, Professor. I called you all together because of the emergency.
(Walking over.)
CALDERA: I wasn't aware there was an emergency until that wretched security voice went off.
(Door opens. Faint electronic voice.)
VOICE OF THINKTANK: This is a recorded message...
CALDERA: Now then, I do hope we can...
(Walking forwards.)
CALDERA: Good grief.
SKAGRA: Yes. They seem to have had some kind of accident, Caldera. I thought you might be able to help.
CALDERA: What's happened? What's done this to them? Are they ... are they dead?
SKAGRA: Physically, no, but I don't think they're ever going to be quite right in the head again.
CALDERA: What are you talking about?
SKAGRA: Well, let me show you, Professor. Let me show you the end result of Thinktank's work over the last few years.
(Bleeps.)
CALDERA: Well - it's the Sphere.
SKAGRA: Indeed it is.
CALDERA: What of it?
SKAGRA: (laugh) You've worked for so long on this device, Professor - well, we all have. And yet I'm willing to wager that you never suspected it could do this.
(Electronic sound of movement of Sphere.)
SKAGRA: You see, Professor Caldera, their minds are now inside this Sphere, where yours is about to join them.
CALDERA: What? No. No ... no - no...!
(Absorption by Sphere, whirring sound, then silence.)

(Outside, walking.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Excuse me? This is Saint Cedd's, isn't it?
STUDENT: Yeah.
CHRIS PARSONS: Do you know where P-Fourteen is?
STUDENT: Yeah. Just over there.
CHRIS PARSONS: Thanks.
(Walking off.)

(PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS humming "Tea For Two", sounds of making tea. Knocks on door.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Come in.
(Creak as door opened, walking in.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Excuse the muddle. Creative disarray, you know.
(Door closed.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Professor Chronotis?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Tea?
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh, thanks.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Just put the kettle on.
(Walking out from another room.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Professor Chronotis, I don't know if you remember me, we met at a faculty party a few weeks ago? It's Chris Parsons.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Oh yes, of course. Enjoy those faculty dos, do you?
CHRIS PARSONS: Well...
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Lot of boring old dons talking away to each other, never listen to a word anyone else says.
CHRIS PARSONS: Well, yes, you said...
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Talk, talk, talk, never listen.
CHRIS PARSONS: No. Well ... Look, I hope I'm not taking up your valuable...
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Time? No, no. When you get to my age, you'll find that time doesn't matter too much. Not that I expect you will get to my age.
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh, really?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes, I remember saying to the last Master of the College but one ... or was it the last but two? May have been three.
CHRIS PARSONS: Three?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes. Nice young chap who died rather tragically at the age of, er ... Run over by a coach and pair.
CHRIS PARSONS: What was it you said to him?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Oh, I don't know. Was a long time ago, you know.
CHRIS PARSONS: Yes ... Er - Professor when we met, you were kind enough to say that if I dropped by you would lend me some of your books on carbon dating?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Oh yes, happy to.
(Kettle whistling.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Ah, there's the kettle.
(Walking off.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: You'll find the books you want at the far end of the bookshelf.
(Whistling turned down.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Third shelf down. Or was it the second shelf down? Second I think. Anyway, take what you want.
CHRIS PARSONS: Right, thank you.
(Rummaging.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Milk?
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh, yes, please.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: One lump or two?
CHRIS PARSONS: Two, please.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Sugar?
CHRIS PARSONS: What?
(Walking out.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Here we are.
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh, actually Professor, I've - I've just realised, I'm going to be really late for a seminar, I'm terribly sorry. Look, I'll bring these back to you next week, is that all right?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Oh, yes, yes. Well, goodbye, then.
CHRIS PARSONS: Goodbye.
(About to walk off.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Er - actually Professor, could I just ask you, where did you get that?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: That? It's an old Police Box, isn't it? I don't know, I ... think someone must have left it there whilst I was out. It fits quite nicely in the corner, wouldn't you say?
CHRIS PARSONS: Yes. Well - I'll bring these back as soon as I ... I - I can.
(Door opened.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Goodbye. Thanks.
(Door closed. PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS humming again, "Tea For Two".)

(Outside. Bird-song and vehicle going past while walking.)
THE DOCTOR: I can see why we left K9 in the TARDIS last time. He'd never get over these cobbles.
ROMANA: Doctor, it is the middle of the afternoon. You've shown me four colleges, six second-hand bookshops and an art gallery.
THE DOCTOR: The note on the Professor's kitchen door said he'd be back by tea-time. What time is it?
ROMANA: I haven't a clue.
THE DOCTOR: A Time Lord who doesn't know the time. How remiss of you, Madam President. Oh come on, he's bound to be back by now. With any luck he's spotted the TARDIS and put the kettle on.
ROMANA: Are you sure he wants us there, Doctor? It seems odd to arrange an appointment and then go out.
THE DOCTOR: That's just old Chronotis, he's like that. It would be terribly unfashionable to have tea ready before we got there, but a few hours later is spot on.
ROMANA: Oh, I'm not convinced.
THE DOCTOR: Well, not far now. You know, Chronotis and I once spent a charming weekend at Lake Geneva with Lord Byron, Mary Shelley...
(Noise in the background of this - like the Sphere heard earlier.)
ROMANA: Shh, shh! Did you just heard voices?
THE DOCTOR: What?

(Door opens into a room of humming machinery.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Clare? You about?
(Walking in, door closed.)
CHRIS PARSONS: I got that book from old Chronotis. Clare?
(Whirring of machine only.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Typical. Be late for her own funeral, that girl. Now, what does this book...?
(Turning page.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh.
(Turning page.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh!
(Turning page.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Hmm.
(Turning page.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Wonder what language this is?

(Outside. Bird noises in background. Walking.)
THE DOCTOR: Here we are, Romana. Saint Cedd's College, Cambridge. Founded in the year something or other, by someone whose name I've forgotten in honour of someone who for the moment escapes me completely.
ROMANA: Saint Cedd?
THE DOCTOR: You know, I think it very probably was. You should be an historian.
ROMANA: I should be a nurse-maid. I am an historian.
THE DOCTOR: Ah - excuse me, Romana, I know that college porter. Good afternoon, Wilkin.
(Old-sounding man with a throaty voice.)
WILKIN: Good afternoon, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Wilkin, you remember me.
WILKIN: Why, yes, of course sir. You took an honorary degree in Nineteen Sixty.
THE DOCTOR: Yes. How kind of you to remember me.
WILKIN: That's my job, sir.
THE DOCTOR: And you do it splendidly. Now ... Tell me, is, erm...?
WILKIN: Professor Chronotis in, sir? Yes, sir. He returned to his room a few minutes ago.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, good, good. Er, how did you know I wanted to speak to Professor Chronotis?
WILKIN: That's who you asked to see when you were here in Nineteen Sixty-Four, Nineteen Sixty, and Nineteen Fifty-Five, sir.
THE DOCTOR: Did I really? I was also here in Nineteen Fifty-Eight.
WILKIN: Were you, sir?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, but in a different body.
WILKIN: Ah - Oh yes.
(WILKIN laughs.)
WILKIN: Yes, sir.
ROMANA: Come along, Doctor.
(Walking off.)
THE DOCTOR: Nice to meet you again, Wilkin. Bye-bye.

(PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS humming. Kettle whistles. Knocks.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Come in.
(Door opened.)
THE DOCTOR: Sit down. He'll ask us if we want tea.
(Walking in.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Tea?
THE DOCTOR: Yes please. Two cups.
(Door closed.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Milk?
THE DOCTOR: Yes please.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: One lump or two?
THE DOCTOR: Two, please. And two sugars.
(ROMANA gentle chuckle.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Ah Doctor, how splendid to see you.
THE DOCTOR: You too, Professor. This is Romana.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Ah. Delighted, delighted. I've heard so much about you.
ROMANA: Have you?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Well, not yet, but I'm sure I will have done. When Time Lords get to my age they tend to get their tenses muddled up. Would you have liked some biscuits too?
THE DOCTOR: Well, I wouldn't have said no.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Crackers?
THE DOCTOR: (laugh) Sometimes.
(ROMANA giggles.)

(Outside.)
WILKIN: No, Madam. I'm afraid the college is closed to the public this afternoon. Yes. Tomorrow at ten thirty. Not at all, Madam. My pleasure. Goodbye.
(Telephone receiver replaced. Walking up.)
SKAGRA: You. Little man.
WILKIN: Were you addressing me, sir?
SKAGRA: I want Chronotis.
WILKIN: Professor Chronotis?
SKAGRA: Where is he?
WILKIN: Well - he will not wish to be disturbed. He's with the Doctor. A very old ... A very old friend.
SKAGRA: I shall return later, little man.
(Walking off.)
WILKIN: As the years go by, the visitors get ruder than the students.

ROMANA: Three hundred years?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes my dear.
ROMANA: In the same set of rooms?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Ever since I retired from Gallifrey.
ROMANA: Well, didn't anybody notice?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: One of the delights of the older Cambridge Colleges. Everyone is so discreet. Now Doctor, young fellow, what can I do for you?
THE DOCTOR: What can you do for me? What can I do for you . You sent for me.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Sent for you?
THE DOCTOR: I got your telepathic message.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Message? What message?
THE DOCTOR: Romana, didn't I say I received a message from the Professor? Would we come and see him as soon as possible.
ROMANA: Yes. We came straight away.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: I haven't sent you a message. But it's very splendid to see you. Have another cracker.
THE DOCTOR: Professor, if you didn't send that signal, who did?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Well, obviously I haven't a clue. But - wait.
ROMANA: What?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: I've had an idea about who might have sent that message.
ROMANA: Who?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Me.
THE DOCTOR: But you just said...
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: I know - my memory's getting a bit touchy of late. Doesn't like to be prodded about too much. But my dear old things, It must be ages since I send it.
ROMANA: Told you you'd got the time wrong, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: I know, but you're always saying that.
ROMANA: Well, you're always getting the time wrong.
THE DOCTOR: Professor?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes?
THE DOCTOR: What was it about, Professor?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: What was what about?
THE DOCTOR: The message.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: I don't know. You've heard it more recently than I have.
THE DOCTOR: Was it to do with the voices?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: What voices?
THE DOCTOR: Well, when we were walking through the colleges we heard a strange sound, a sort of babble of inhuman voices. Didn't you, Romana?
ROMANA: Yes.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Oh, it's just the undergraduates talking to each other, I expect. I've trying to have it banned.
THE DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, it wasn't like that at all. It was the sound of human voices, or ghosts, very quietly.
ROMANA: Screaming.
THE DOCTOR: Yes.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Overwrought imaginings, Doctor. No, I remember what it was.
THE DOCTOR: What?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Delicate matter, slightly. It was about a book.

(Dialling a number on a phone. Ringing tone. Receiver lifted.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Clare? Hey, yeah, it's Chris. Where are you? Listen, I've just ... Where? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Listen, just stop being busy because this is very important. If you want to see the world of science turned on its head, come to my lab. ... No, not in two hours - now. Coming? ... Good. It's the most amazing thing. I've got this strange book. It's got a molecular structure unlike anything I've seen. ... Yes, I said book. No, it's like nothing on Earth. I think I mean that literally. Extra-terrestrial. ... No, I'm not mad. Listen, I've done everything - x-rays, spectrograph, you name it. ... You don't have to believe anything till you've seen it yourself. ... Yeah, come on over. ... Great. See you soon.
(Receiver replaced.)

(Outside. Walking. Car horns. Tyres screech, car stops. Car door opened.)
SKAGRA: Ah.
(Walking over to Skagra.)
THE MOTORIST: Are you insane? Wandering out into the middle of the road like that. I could have hit you, killed you.
SKAGRA: Really?
THE MOTORIST: Yes. I mean ... Are you all right? Do you need a lift somewhere?
SKAGRA: A ... a - a lift?
THE MOTORIST: Yes. You know? A ride, in the car. I mean, this is no kind of a road for pedestrians. Lots of blind corners, and - someone paying less attention ... you'll get hit.
SKAGRA: Oh. Maybe you can "give me a lift." Get back in that machine.
THE MOTORIST: What?
SKAGRA: Er ... please?
THE MOTORIST: But...
SKAGRA: It's important.
THE MOTORIST: Who are you? What the blazes do you think you're doing?
SKAGRA: Please. I'm in trouble.
THE MOTORIST: Oh, all right.
(Walking over. Car door closed.)
SKAGRA: What is this machine?
THE MOTORIST: It's a Ford Prefect. Nice old one, this. Do you like old cars?
SKAGRA: No. Can you make it work? Do you have the ability?
THE MOTORIST: Well - obviously I can, yes. I mean, I'm Treasurer for the Ford Prefect Society. I know this type of car backwards.
SKAGRA: I need to go forwards. There is a field a few miles further on.
THE MOTORIST: (amused) Well, there's loads of fields. (Realising) Oh, I see. Is your car there? Have you broken down? I'm a bit of a dab hand, you see, and...
(Sound of Sphere.)
THE MOTORIST: Hey! What's that?
(More intense sound of Sphere.)
THE MOTORIST: What the hell? No ... No ... No!
(Sphere sound stops. Car driving off.)

PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Did you just hear voices?
THE DOCTOR: Professor, I think I just heard voices. Romana, did you just hear voices?
ROMANA: Yes. Very faint this time.
THE DOCTOR: Anything to do with that book you mentioned, Professor?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: What? Oh no, no, no. That's just a book I accidentally bought back with me from Gallifrey.
ROMANA: From Gallifrey? You brought a book from Gallifrey to Cambridge?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes. Just a few knick-knacks, you know, and you know how I love my books, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: But Professor, you just said you brought it back by accident.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: An oversight. I overlooked the fact that I decided to bring it back. It's just for study you know. But as I'm now getting very old I thought...
THE DOCTOR: You thought that perhaps I'd take it back to Gallifrey for you.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Well now that I'm retired I'm not allowed to have a TARDIS.
THE DOCTOR: Professor, I don't want to be critical, but it's terribly risky bringing back books from Gallifrey. They could be terribly dangerous in the wrong hands, couldn't they? Mm?

(Car driving. Car stops. Door opened.)
SKAGRA: Thank you. You will now cease breathing.
(THE MOTORIST gasps. Door closed. Walking off.)

THE DOCTOR: "On some nights, New York is as hot as Bangkok." I've read that.
ROMANA: Mm - Saul Bellow.
THE DOCTOR: "Once upon a time." Read that. Ah.
(Past tense of "read." Page turns.)
THE DOCTOR: "In the Great Days of Rassilon, five great principles were laid down. Can you remember what they were, children?"
ROMANA: It's just a Gallifreyan Nursery Book.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, I know. I know.
ROMANA: I had it when I was a Time Tot.
THE DOCTOR: It's very good.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Oh - no, no. That's just a memento. Not the right book at all.
(Looking through books.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Now, where is it? Is this the one? Oh dear, no. Where is it? I know it's here somewhere.
THE DOCTOR: Professor, how many books did you bring, for heaven's sake?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Oh, just the odd two or seven. There's only one that's in any way...
THE DOCTOR: Dangerous?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes.
ROMANA: Well, what does it look like?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Mm?
ROMANA: What's it called?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: The Worshipful And Ancient Law Of Gallifrey.
THE DOCTOR: What?
(ROMANA sighs.)
THE DOCTOR: The Worshipful And Ancient Law Of Gallifrey?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes. Little red book, about five by seven.
THE DOCTOR: Professor, how did that book get out of the Panopticon Archives?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Well, what I did was, you see ... well, I just took it.
THE DOCTOR: You took it?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Well, no-one is interested in Ancient History on Gallifrey any more, and I thought that possibly certain things would be safer with me.
THE DOCTOR: And were they?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Well, in principle.
THE DOCTOR: Excuse us, Romana.
(Walking off.)
THE DOCTOR: Delicate matter, slightly. Professor, that book dates back to the days of Rassilon.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Does it? Yes, indeed.
THE DOCTOR: It's one of the artefacts.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Is it? Indeed.
THE DOCTOR: Professor, you know that perfectly well, and you also know perfectly well that Rassilon had secrets and powers that even we don't fully understand. You've no idea what might be hidden in that book.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Well, there's not much chance of anyone else understanding it then, is there?
THE DOCTOR: I only hope you're right, but we'd better find it. Romana?
ROMANA: Yes?
THE DOCTOR: Little red book.
ROMANA: Five by seven.
THE DOCTOR: Good. Good.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Could be green.
(ROMANA sighs.)

(Beeping and pulsating sounds of alien machinery. Door slides open. Walking in.)
SKAGRA: Ship?
(Echoed female voice.)
THE SHIP: Welcome home, my Lord.
(Door slides closed.)
THE SHIP: Were you successful in finding the book?
SKAGRA: No, I was not. Feed me.
(Whizzing sound of machinery.)
SKAGRA: Rest me.
(Pulsating sounds of this. SKAGRA sighs.)
SKAGRA: I have, however, confirmed the location of the book. It shall soon be mine.
THE SHIP: Congratulations my Lord.
SKAGRA: Ship, tell me of the one called "The Doctor."

(Speeded up scenes from earlier in the story.)
THE DOCTOR: Romana, I need you.
ROMANA: Why?
THE DOCTOR: Earth, Cambridge, Nineteen Seventy-Nine. ... Oh, please, Romana, please. Please, please, please? ... That's just old Chronotis, he's like that. ... Here we are, Romana. Saint Cedd's College, Cambridge. ... I was also here in Nineteen Fifty-Eight, but in a different body.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Now Doctor, what can I do for you?
THE DOCTOR: What can you do for me? What can I do for you . You sent for me. Romana, didn't I say I received a message from the Professor?
ROMANA: Yes. You brought a book from Gallifrey to Cambridge?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: An oversight. I overlooked the fact that I decided to bring it back.
THE DOCTOR: They could be terribly dangerous in the wrong hands, couldn't they?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes, indeed.
THE DOCTOR: It's one of the artefacts.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Is it?
THE DOCTOR: ... that Rassilon had secrets and powers that even we don't fully understand. You've no idea what might be hidden in that book.

(SKAGRA laugh, scoff.)
SKAGRA: Even as a renegade Time Lord, he has no more power then the others. Only one has the power I seek, and when I have the book, that power shall be mine. Open communication with the carrier ship.
THE SHIP: Immediately, my Lord.
(Growl.)
SKAGRA: Report.
(Alien deep voice of the Krarg Commander.)
KRARG COMMANDER: Everything is ready, my Lord.
SKAGRA: Excellent, Commander. All goes well, I shall be with you very soon, and then - let the Universe prepare itself for me.

(Closing Doctor Who theme tune, arranged by David Arnold.)
ANNOUNCER: Doctor Who - Shada Part One was written by Douglas Adams and directed by Nicholas Pegg. It starred Paul McGann as The Doctor, Lalla Ward as Romana and John Leeson as K9, and featured James Fox as Professor Chronotis, Andrew Sachs as Skagra, Sean Biggerstaff as Chris Parsons, Melvyn Hayes as Wilkin, Hannah Gordon as The Ship, Barnaby Edwards as Caldera, Stuart Crossman as The Motorist, and Nicholas Pegg as the Voice of Thinktank. Executive Producers for the original BBCi version, Martin Trickey and James Goss. The audio adventures of Doctor Who are produced by Jason Haigh-Ellery and Gary Russell for Big Finish Productions.

Part Two

(Opening Doctor Who theme tune, arranged by David Arnold.)
ANNOUNCER: Doctor Who. Shada. By Douglas Adams. Part Two.

(Door slides open. Walking in.)
SKAGRA: Ship?
(Echoed female voice.)
THE SHIP: Welcome home, my Lord.
(Door slides closed.)
THE SHIP: Were you successful in finding the book?
SKAGRA: No, I was not. Feed me.
(Whizzing sound of machinery.)
SKAGRA: Rest me.
(Pulsating sounds of this. SKAGRA sighs.)
SKAGRA: I have, however, confirmed the location of the book. It shall soon be mine.
THE SHIP: Congratulations my Lord.
SKAGRA: Ship, tell me of the one called "The Doctor."

(Speeded up scenes from earlier in the story.)
THE DOCTOR: Romana, I need you.
ROMANA: Why?
THE DOCTOR: Earth, Cambridge, Nineteen Seventy-Nine. ... Oh, please, Romana, please. Please, please, please? ... That's just old Chronotis, he's like that. ... Here we are, Romana. Saint Cedd's College, Cambridge. ... I was also here in Nineteen Fifty-Eight, but in a different body.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Now Doctor, what can I do for you?
THE DOCTOR: What can you do for me? What can I do for you . You sent for me. Romana, didn't I say I received a message from the Professor?
ROMANA: Yes. You brought a book from Gallifrey to Cambridge?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: An oversight. I overlooked the fact that I decided to bring it back.
THE DOCTOR: They could be terribly dangerous in the wrong hands, couldn't they?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes, indeed.
THE DOCTOR: It's one of the artefacts.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Is it?
THE DOCTOR: ... that Rassilon had secrets and powers that even we don't fully understand. You've no idea what might be hidden in that book.

(SKAGRA laugh, scoff.)
SKAGRA: Even as a renegade Time Lord, he has no more power than the others. Only one has the power I seek, and when I have the book, that power shall be mine. Open communication with the carrier ship.
THE SHIP: Immediately, my Lord.
(Growl.)
SKAGRA: Report.
(Alien deep voice of the Krarg Commander.)
KRARG COMMANDER: Everything is ready, my Lord.
SKAGRA: Excellent, Commander. All goes well, I shall be with you very soon, and then - let the Universe prepare itself for me.

(Going through books.)
ROMANA: Roget's Thesaurus.
THE DOCTOR: British Book of Bird Life, in colour.
ROMANA: Alternative Betelgeuse.
THE DOCTOR: The Time Machine.
ROMANA: Wuthering Heights.
THE DOCTOR: Little Grey Rabbit's Birthday?
ROMANA: Tandoori Chicken for Starters.
THE DOCTOR: Sweeney Todd.
ROMANA: No sign of the "Worshipful and Ancient Law of Gallifrey."
THE DOCTOR: Oh, I don't know, maybe it wasn't really that important.
ROMANA: Doctor! It's one of the artefacts of Rassilon.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, but other than its historical value...
ROMANA: Doctor, you know as well as I do that each of the artefacts was imbued with stupendous power.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, you're right, of course. The meanings may be lost now but the powers remain, and the rituals.
ROMANA: Funny to think at the time I just mouthed the words like everyone else.
THE DOCTOR: What words?
ROMANA: At the Time Academy Induction Ceremony - you know - "I swear to protect..."
THE DOCTOR:/ROMANA: "..the ancient law of Gallifrey with all my might and main, I will to the end of my days with justice and with honour temper my actions and my thoughts."
THE DOCTOR: Pompous lot. All words and no actions.
ROMANA: The Professor could be in a lot of trouble. As President of the High Council I'll have to report this.
THE DOCTOR: Romana, a wise President knows when to see the bigger picture.
ROMANA: (laugh) You can't get a much bigger picture than a powerful Time Lord relic being left lying around on a Class Three planet like Earth.
THE DOCTOR: A little crime, Romana, not really worth upsetting the High Council over - anyway, they wouldn't know how to react.
ROMANA: (laugh) That's not true. What about Salyavin?
THE DOCTOR: Salyavin? Oh yes, he was a boyhood hero of mine.
ROMANA: (laugh) Really, Doctor? A great criminal, your hero?
THE DOCTOR: Criminal, yes, but he had such style, such flair, such...
ROMANA: Panache.
THE DOCTOR: Yes. A bit like me in that respect.
ROMANA: (laugh.) Did you ever meet him?
THE DOCTOR: Certainly not. He was imprisoned before I was born.
ROMANA: Where was he imprisoned?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, he was ... Do you know, I don't remember? Professor?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: (off) Yes?
THE DOCTOR: Salyavin. He was a contemporary of yours, wasn't he? Where was he imprisoned?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: I've just remembered.
(Walking out to them.)
THE DOCTOR: I've only just asked you.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: What?
THE DOCTOR: Where Salyavin was imprisoned.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Salyavin? I'm not talking about Salyavin. Good riddance to him. We must find the book.
THE DOCTOR: Professor, what do you think we've been doing while you've been making your tenth pot of tea?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: But I just remembered. There was a young man here earlier, came to borrow some books. He might have taken it while I was out in the kitchen making my first pot of tea.
THE DOCTOR: What was his name, Professor?
(Pacing.)
THE DOCTOR: What was his name?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Oh, I can't remember. Oh dear, I've got a memory like a ... Oh, what is it ... what have I got a memory like? What's that thing you strain rice with?
THE DOCTOR: What was his name, Professor?
ROMANA: Was he old? Young? Tall? Short?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: I remember. A sieve. That's what I've got a memory like. I've got a memory like a sieve.
THE DOCTOR: What was his name, Professor?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Oh, I can't remember that .
ROMANA: Oh, please try.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: A. Oh, A? No, no, no, it doesn't begin with A. B? B? ... B, B...
THE DOCTOR:/ROMANA: C?

CLARE KEIGHTLEY: But this is incredible, Chris. I mean, this is a top-of-the-line electron microscope, and not only can I not tell what the structure is, it actually doesn't seem to have a structure. However much I increase the magnification, it's still totally smooth and featureless.
CHRIS PARSONS: Yes, Clare.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Pure matter. Non-atomic matter. Oh, this is ridiculous, utterly impossible. You've rigged the microscope.
CHRIS PARSONS: No, Clare.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: But you can't have matter without atomic structure. It's fundamental.
CHRIS PARSONS: Yes, Clare.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Radiation readings?
CHRIS PARSONS: No, that's something else that doesn't make sense. The book seems to be absorbing radiation from the air around it, when there wasn't any radiation to absorb.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: I don't believe it.
CHRIS PARSONS: Look, okay, how about an experiment on a more practical level. Here, take the book, and listen to me.

PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: P? Q? R? X? X? Y?
THE DOCTOR: Young?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes. Young Parsons. Born Nineteen Fifty-Seven. Graduated Nineteen Seventy-Eight. Honours degree in Chemistry, currently engaged on post-graduate studies in sigma particles.
THE DOCTOR: Where would he be now, Professor?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Physics Lab, in Saint Simeon's College. Cross the Cam, over the park, and that'll take you to the Science buildings - third floor, first left.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, yes! I'll be back in fifteen minutes.
(Door opened.)
THE DOCTOR: Romana, if I'm not back in two hours, you and the Professor lock yourselves in the TARDIS, send out an all-frequency alert, and wait. Wait.
ROMANA: Right.
(Door closed.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Or ... or is it on the second floor, third right? Oh well. More tea, my dear?
(Walking off.)
ROMANA: (laugh) Lovely. Two lumps. No sugar.

(Pulsing of machinery. Door slides open. Walking in.)
SKAGRA: Ship? Erm, my appearance.
(Door slides closed.)
SKAGRA: I took these clothes from that primitive I used to transport me back to the field. They're uncomfortable and impractical, but - will they enable me to pass as one of them?
THE SHIP: Perfectly correct in every detail, my Lord.
SKAGRA: Oh, thank you. I am going to retrieve the book. I shall return immediately.
THE SHIP: Very well, my Lord.
SKAGRA: And - have you disposed of the carrion?
THE SHIP: As you directed, my Lord.
SKAGRA: Yes. I shall take the Sphere. Just in case.
(Whirring of Sphere. Faint voices crying out within.)

CHRIS PARSONS: Feel that page.
(Paper moved.)
CHRIS PARSONS: What does it feel like?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Feels like paper.
(Sniffs.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Smells like paper.
CHRIS PARSONS: All right, tear it. Go on, try.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: That's not the way to treat a book.
(Paper moved.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: All right, so it's strong paper.
CHRIS PARSONS: Try the scissors. Go on, cut it.
(Scissors lifted.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Presumably I won't be able to.
(Paper moved.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Okay, so it's a wonderful new form of paper.
(Scissors put down.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Hardly constitutes a dive-bomb attack on the world of science, whatever you said.
CHRIS PARSONS: Tell me what you think it's made of.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Easy. A plastic of some sort.
CHRIS PARSONS: Mm-hmm, I checked. Not a single polymer in sight.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: All right, then. Metal?
CHRIS PARSONS: No crystalline structure whatsoever.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: What about a single crystal?
CHRIS PARSONS: Well, if it is, our Mister Dalton's got a lot of explaining to do. That's what I mean. Yes, I think it's a crystal - no, it can't be a crystal. Half of it's stable all the time, half of it none of the time. It behaves like a super-conductor one minute, and blows up my equipment the next.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: So there's absolutely no way of telling what it's made of. How about a spectrographic analysis?
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh yes, I got a positive result from the spectrograph.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: What?
CHRIS PARSONS: It blew up.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: What's it about?
CHRIS PARSONS: What?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: The book. What's it about?
CHRIS PARSONS: Well, I don't know, do I? Reads like a cross between Chinese and Algebra.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Why don't you ask old what's-his-name?
CHRIS PARSONS: Who?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Professor thingy. You know - where you found it.
CHRIS PARSONS: Chronotis? Well ... yes ... that's ... the obvious thing to do, I suppose.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Is that why you haven't done it yet?

(Outside. Walking.)
THE DOCTOR: Wilkin, my dear chap.
WILKIN: Doctor. Good afternoon again. I - I trust you found the Professor?
THE DOCTOR: Oh yes, indeed, yes. Had a marvellous chat. Now, I need to get to Saint Simeon's, to the science lab. Which floor is it on?
WILKIN: Ground floor, Doctor. Second left, past the JCR.
THE DOCTOR: Splendid. Almost exactly where the Professor said it wasn't. Back soon.
(Walking off.)
WILKIN: Goodbye, sir. Always good to have the Doctor around. Now, where is...
(Skagra approaches.)
SKAGRA: You. Little man.
WILKIN: Oh. It's you again, is it - sir?
SKAGRA: The Professor - is he alone yet?
WILKIN: As a matter of fact he is, because he Doctor left a minute ago, but I'm not sure I should let you go up without an invitation. Very private is the Professor.
SKAGRA: Oh, fool.
(Pushing and walking off.)
WILKIN: Hey! Hey! You just can't push people around, you know. I'm keeping an eye on you. I'll be watching you! Make sure you leave!
SKAGRA: Contemptible creature.
(Sphere whirring, screams within.)
SKAGRA: Soon, soon you shall feed on a mind of quality.

PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Oh dear.
(Walking out to her.)
ROMANA: What's the matter?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: I've run out of milk.
ROMANA: Oh, I should think that's the least of our problems.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: I feel so stupid about losing that book.
ROMANA: Don't worry. We'll find it.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: I hope so. I do hope so. You're shivering. Are you cold?
ROMANA: No, it's just a ... feeling. Those voices unnerved me.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: A cup of tea will make you feel better.
(Walking off, stops.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Ah - no milk. I'll just pop out and get some.
ROMANA: Er - no, I don't think that's an awfully good idea, Professor.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Why not? It's the only way I know of getting milk, short of keeping a cow.
ROMANA: We've got plenty in the TARDIS.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Cows?
ROMANA: No. Milk, Professor. I'll just get some for you.
(Walking off.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Ah, splendid.
(Door opened.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Type Forty, isn't it? First come out when I was a boy. That shows you how old I am.
ROMANA: I won't be a moment.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Oh yes you will. One of the main complaints about the Type Forty was that its kitchens were an intolerable distance from the control room.
ROMANA: (laugh) I've never known the Doctor to use them anyway.
(Door closed.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Salyavin. Yes. Good riddance to him - Salyavin. Good riddance.
(Walking off. Multiple voices from Sphere.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Undergraduates.
(Knocks on door.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Come in.
(Door opened. Walking in.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Have to be lemon tea, I'm afraid. No milk at the moment. Romana's gone to get some.
(Louder voices.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: How many are there of you, for heaven's sake? I've only got seven cups.
SKAGRA: Professor Chronotis.
(Walking out to him.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Where are the others?
SKAGRA: Professor Chronotis.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Who are you?
SKAGRA: I've come for the book.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Book? What book?
SKAGRA: You know what book.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: I don't know what you're talking about. I haven't got any books. That's to say, I've got plenty of books. What book would you like?
SKAGRA: The book you took from the Panopticon Archives.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: What do you know about the Panopticon?
SKAGRA: The book, Professor, you are to give it to me.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: On whose instructions?
SKAGRA: Mine.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Who are you?
SKAGRA: My name does not concern you. Give me the book.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: I don't know where it is.
SKAGRA: (laugh) If you will not give me the information voluntarily, I will deduct it from you. I'm sure there is much else in your mind that will interest me.
(Whirring movement of Sphere.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: What are you doing?
(Noise increases.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: No, no...!
SKAGRA: Do not fight it, Professor. Do not fight it, or you will die.
(PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS cries out.)

(Mumbling of CLARE KEIGHTLEY as glass swept up. Knock on door, door opened.)
THE DOCTOR: Hello. I'm looking for Chris Parsons.
(Door closed, walking in.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: You've just missed him, I'm afraid. Can I give him a message?
THE DOCTOR: Aha. I spy with my little eye something beginning with Worshipful And Ancient Law of Gallifrey. This book isn't yours.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: No. Is it yours?
THE DOCTOR: It belongs to Professor Chronotis.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: It's an odd book.
THE DOCTOR: Well, he's an odd fellow. And careless. Oddly careless. Why did you take it?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: I didn't.
THE DOCTOR: I know.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Look, who are you? What is all this about?
THE DOCTOR: What's what about?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: This book.
THE DOCTOR: Have you read it?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: No, I can't.
THE DOCTOR: Can't you read?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: No. I mean, yes. I mean, I can read, but it blew up the spectrograph. Where does it come from? What's it made of? The writing looks more like an explosion in a spaghetti tree.
THE DOCTOR: Why did it make the spectrograph blow up?
THE DOCTOR: I don't know.
THE DOCTOR: Hello, I'm the Doctor. You are...?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Clare. Clare Keightley.
THE DOCTOR: Clare Keightley, would you mind if I inspected your spectrograph?

(TARDIS interior. Door opened. Walking.)
ROMANA: K9?
(K9's antennae whirring. Door closed.)
K9: Mistress?
ROMANA: Do you want to come out and be useful? This doesn't seem to be just a social visit after all.
K9: Affirmative, Mistress. My function is to assist you.
ROMANA: Well you can tell me how old this milk is for a start.
(K9 probe sound, whirring of antennae.)
K9: It has been in the stasis preserver for thirty-two years. It is perfectly fresh.
ROMANA: Good. Come along, I'll introduce you to the Professor.
(TARDIS doors opened, walking out.)

(Walking into room.)
ROMANA: I've got the milk. Professor?
K9: Coming Mistress.
ROMANA: Professor!
(Moving over. Knocks on door.)
ROMANA: What now?
(Door opened.)
CHRIS PARSONS: It's me, Professor. I just came back to...
(Rushing over.)
CHRIS PARSONS: What happened? Is he all right?
ROMANA: I don't know. I think he's dead.
K9: Negative, Mistress. He is alive but he is in a deep coma.
CHRIS PARSONS: But what's happened to him?
(K9 antennae whirring.)
K9: Processing data.
ROMANA: Do you know him?
CHRIS PARSONS: Hardly at all, he just lent me a book.
ROMANA: A book? We've been looking for a book. Young Parsons.
CHRIS PARSONS: Chris Parsons, yeah.
ROMANA: Have you got it?
CHRIS PARSONS: No. I left it back at the Lab. I couldn't understand, you see...
ROMANA: Isn't the Doctor with you?
CHRIS PARSONS: What? How would I know the Professor was ill?
ROMANA: No, no, no, no. The Doctor.
K9: Mistress?
(Whirring stops.)
K9: The Professor has been subjected to psycho-active extraction.
ROMANA: What are his chances?
K9: Physical prognosis fair. Psycho prognosis uncertain.
CHRIS PARSONS: It's a robot.
ROMANA: Yes.
CHRIS PARSONS: A robot dog?
ROMANA: Yes.
CHRIS PARSONS: Neat.
ROMANA: K9, did you said psycho-active extraction?
K9: Affirmative Mistress. Someone has stolen part of his mind.
CHRIS PARSONS: What did your dog say?
K9: Someone has stolen part of his mind. His attempts to resist have caused severe cerebral trauma. He is weakening fast.
CHRIS PARSONS: Is this all for real?
ROMANA: Do you want to make yourself useful?
CHRIS PARSONS: Well, if I can.
ROMANA: Go and get the medical kit from the TARDIS.
CHRIS PARSONS: The what?
ROMANA: Over there. First door on the left, down the corridor, second door on the right, down the corridor, third door on the left, down the corridor, fourth door on the right...
CHRIS PARSONS: Down the corridor?
ROMANA: No. Cupboard opposite the door, top shelf.
CHRIS PARSONS: Ah. For a moment I thought you were pointing at the Police Box.
ROMANA: I was.
CHRIS PARSONS: But...
ROMANA: Please, get it.
CHRIS PARSONS: All right.
(Walking off. TARDIS door opened.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh my ... This is ... I - I mean...
ROMANA: (off) Hurry up! (Room) Professor? Can you hear me? Professor?
K9: Mistress, his mind has gone.
ROMANA: Yeah but you just said part of it, K9.
K9: Affirmative. The part that is left is totally inert.
ROMANA: Professor?
K9: No response, Mistress.
(Walking out.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Is this it?
ROMANA: Thank you.
(Rustling. Bleeps.)
CHRIS PARSONS: What are you doing? What's that thing?
ROMANA: He's breathing and his hearts are beating, so his autonomic brain is still functioning. This collar can take over those functions and leave his autonomic brain free.
CHRIS PARSONS: What good'll that do?
ROMANA: He should be able to think with it.
CHRIS PARSONS: Think with his autonomic brain? Don't be silly, the human brain doesn't work like that. The different functions are separate...
ROMANA: The Professor isn't human.
CHRIS PARSONS: Ah.

THE DOCTOR: Hmm, the spectrograph has indeed as you said blown up.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: The book jacket, the paper, all of it, had no detectable atomic structure whatsoever, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: The book must have stored up vast amounts of sub-atomic energy and suddenly released them when the machine was activated. Does anything strike you about that?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: What?
THE DOCTOR: It's a very odd way for a book to behave.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: I would have thought that was obvious.
THE DOCTOR: Never underestimate the obvious.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: What does that tell us?
THE DOCTOR: Nothing, obviously.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Well?
THE DOCTOR: So obviously it was meant to tell us nothing, exactly the opposite function of a book. Therefore, it isn't a book.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Then what is it?
THE DOCTOR: That's not so obvious.
(Chattering of printer.)
THE DOCTOR What's that?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Should be the results of the carbon dating test we were running. Twenty thousand years?
(Paper torn off.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: The book's twenty thousand years old, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Look at that.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: A minus sign? Minus twenty thousand years?
THE DOCTOR: Not only is this book not a book, but Time is running backwards over it.

(Ship control room. Door slides open. Walking in.)
THE SHIP: Did you succeed, my Lord?
SKAGRA: Oh yes I think so. Ship, playback.

(Fast scenes again.)
SKAGRA: Professor Chronotis ... I've come for the book.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: What book? ... What book would you like?
SKAGRA: The book you took from the Panopticon Archives.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: What do you know about the...

SKAGRA: Further back.

(Winding back.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: The Worshipful and Ancient Law of Gallifrey.
THE DOCTOR: What?
(ROMANA sighs.)
THE DOCTOR: Professor, how did that book get out of...
(Winding.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Well, no-one is interested in Ancient History...
(Winding.)
THE DOCTOR: ... book dates back to the...
(Winding.)
THE DOCTOR: It's one of the artefacts.
(Winding.)
THE DOCTOR: ... secrets and powers that even we don't fully...

SKAGRA: Trace memories of the book.

(Winding.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Tea? ... Just put the kettle on.
(Winding of speech.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Oh yes of course.

SKAGRA: Chronotis had great mind control. Find any trace of the book at all.
(Distortion and static.)
SKAGRA: A brave man, but his effort will almost certainly prove fatal. Hmm. I think I need to find this Doctor. If the Professor hasn't got the book, I imagine the Doctor has, or is very close to finding it. Ship, where is he?
THE SHIP: Searching, my Lord. The Doctor is leaving Saint Simeon's College, and cycling back towards the Professor's rooms.
SKAGRA: Cycling?
THE SHIP: A very primitive form of transport upon this planet. If you use the automobile you acquired before, you could intercept him at the riverside.
SKAGRA: Excellent. Better still, I think our friend here might enjoy the exercise.
(Whirring of Sphere.)

(Bleeps of device.)
ROMANA: The collar is functioning. K9, is there any trace of conscious thought?
(K9's antennae whirring.)
K9: Processing data, Mistress. Far too early to tell.
CHRIS PARSONS: Good.
ROMANA: What do you mean, good?
CHRIS PARSONS: Well, don't you see? When one works as a scientist, one doesn't always know where one's going, or that there is anywhere for one to go that there aren't going to be big doors that stay permanently shut to one. But I look at all of this. Marvellous ... I know that a lot of things that seem impossible are possible, so ... good. I take it that you are...?
ROMANA: One is known as Romana.
CHRIS PARSONS: No, I - I mean that you're not from Earth.
K9: Mistress? The Professor's condition is rapidly deteriorating.
ROMANA: Isn't there anything we can do?
K9: Negative, Mistress, the condition is terminal.
ROMANA: But he is thinking? Can he hear us?
K9: Minimal cerebral impulses detectable, Mistress.
ROMANA: Yeah - obviously he can't talk.
K9: Affirmative. The speech centres of the brain are completely inoperative.
CHRIS PARSONS: Well your collar was a nice idea, but...
ROMANA: Shh, shh! Wait a minute. K9, can you amplify his hearts beats?
K9: Affirmative, Mistress.
(K9 probe extends. Sound of hearts beating.)
ROMANA: Brilliant!
CHRIS PARSONS: What?
ROMANA: The Professor is a brave and clever man. Listen.
CHRIS PARSONS: I ... don't understand.
ROMANA: Shh. He's beating his hearts in Gallifreyan Morse. Professor, I can hear you. What do you want to tell us?
(Hearts beat stops then starts again.)
ROMANA: Beware ... the ... Sphere. Beware ... Skagra? Beware ... Shada. The ... secret ... is ... in ... the...
(The hearts beating slower.)
K9: He is dying, Mistress.
(ROMANA sighs.)
ROMANA: Professor!
(No hearts beating sound.)
K9: All life function has now ceased, Mistress. The Professor is dead.

(Outside. Bicycle bell rings.)
THE DOCTOR: Excuse me. Thank you.
(Whirring of Sphere.)
THE DOCTOR: That's odd. Hello, little ball. Not sure you should be floating about like that in front of all these people. I mean, you don't look like you're from round here. And I'm sure I've heard your voice before. Tell you what, you go that way, and I'll go this.
MAN: Hey! What do you think you're doing?
THE DOCTOR: Sorry, being chased by an alien machine, can't stop.
YOUNGER MAN: Hey, it's one way!
THE DOCTOR: Yes, I know it's one way. Does it really matter which way? Honestly, I know everyone says cycling is good for the heart, but this is ridiculous.
(Whirring of Sphere. Bicycle bell.)
THE DOCTOR: Whoah, look out below.
(THE DOCTOR speaking in broken voice as though bicycle going down steps.)
THE DOCTOR: Ow, ow, ow, ow ... Why don't they invent ... suspension for ... bicycles ... Oh. The main road, good.
(Car screech.)
THE DOCTOR: Probably not a good idea. Idiot, you nearly hit me!
SKAGRA: Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Yes?
(Walking over to him.)
SKAGRA: I'm Skagra. I want the book.
THE DOCTOR: What book?
SKAGRA: The one in your pocket. The small green one there.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, that book. No, sorry, you can't have it.
SKAGRA: (Hisses.) Give it to me, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: No, I'm taking it to a place of safety.
SKAGRA: Where?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, a little place I have in mind.
SKAGRA: Well in that case, Doctor, why don't you just give to me everything you have in your mind. Your mind shall be mine.
THE DOCTOR: I beg your pardon?
(Whirring of Sphere.)
THE DOCTOR: No - no, no - no... (Cry.) No!
(THE DOCTOR cry. Book drops. SKAGRA laugh.)
SKAGRA: Thank you, Doctor. I'll take the book. What? Oh yes. Drain his mind completely. Why not?
(THE DOCTOR struggling, crying out, SKAGRA laughing maniacally.)

(Closing Doctor Who theme tune, arranged by David Arnold.)
ANNOUNCER: Doctor Who - Shada Part Two was written by Douglas Adams and directed by Nicholas Pegg. It starred Paul McGann as The Doctor, Lalla Ward as Romana, and John Leeson as K9, and featured James Fox as Professor Chronotis, Andrew Sachs as Skagra, Sean Biggerstaff as Chris Parsons, Susannah Harker as Clare Keightley, Melvyn Hayes as Wilkin, Hannah Gordon as The Ship, and Barnaby Edwards as the Krarg Commander. Executive Producers for the original BBCi version, Martin Trickey and James Goss. The audio adventures of Doctor Who are produced by Jason Haigh-Ellery and Gary Russell for Big Finish Productions.

Part Three

(Opening Doctor Who theme tune, arranged by David Arnold.)
ANNOUNCER: Doctor Who. Shada. By Douglas Adams. Part Three.

THE DOCTOR: Honestly, I know everyone says cycling is good for the heart, but this is ridiculous.
(Whirring of Sphere. Bicycle bell.)
THE DOCTOR: Whoah, look out below.
(THE DOCTOR speaking in broken voice as though bicycle going down steps.)
THE DOCTOR: Ow, ow, ow, ow ... Why don't they invent ... suspension for ... bicycles ... Oh. The main road, good.
(Car screech.)
THE DOCTOR: Probably not a good idea. Idiot, you nearly hit me!
SKAGRA: Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Yes?
(Walking over to him.)
SKAGRA: I'm Skagra. I want the book.
THE DOCTOR: What book?
SKAGRA: The one in your pocket. The small green one there.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, that book. No, sorry, you can't have it.
SKAGRA: (Hisses.) Give it to me, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: No, I'm taking it to a place of safety.
SKAGRA: Where?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, a little place I have in mind.
SKAGRA: Well, in that case, Doctor, why don't you just give to me everything you have in your mind. Your mind shall be mine.
THE DOCTOR: I beg your pardon?
(Whirring of Sphere.)
THE DOCTOR: No - no, no - no... (Cry.) No!
(THE DOCTOR cry. Book drops. SKAGRA laugh.)
SKAGRA: Thank you, Doctor. I'll take the book. What? Oh yes. Drain his mind completely. Why not?
(THE DOCTOR struggling, crying out, SKAGRA laughing maniacally. Whirring of Sphere seems to fade.)
SKAGRA: What's happening?
(TARDIS materialisation.)
SKAGRA: Sphere? Respond. Respond!
(TARDIS starting to appear.)
SKAGRA: Oh very well, withdraw, withdraw.
(Door opens.)
ROMANA: Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Yes?
ROMANA: Hurry!
THE DOCTOR: Coming.
(Rushing over. Door closed.)

(Inside TARDIS control room.)
THE DOCTOR: Romana, thank you, thank you very much, thank you so much. How did you find me?
(TARDIS dematerialisation sound.)
ROMANA: It was K9 who traced you. He picked up that voice babble.
THE DOCTOR: Good dog, K9.
K9: Master.
THE DOCTOR: Now listen, I've lost the book, Romana, we've got to get it back.
ROMANA: You've lost it?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, I've lost it.
ROMANA: But lost it how, exactly?
THE DOCTOR: Skagra took it, just now, all right? K9, that Sphere that attacked me?
K9: Master?
THE DOCTOR: I want a qualitative and quantitative analysis. What was it?
(K9's antennae whirring.)
K9: Unidentified, Master. Origin unknown.
THE DOCTOR: That's all right, K9, we'll ask the Professor.
K9: The Professor's life is terminated, Master.
THE DOCTOR: Dead?
ROMANA: Yeah - we think the Sphere that just attacked you stole his mind.
THE DOCTOR: When did this happen?
ROMANA: Just when I...
THE DOCTOR: I thought you were meant to be looking after him?
ROMANA: I'd just gone back into the TARDIS.
THE DOCTOR: Why?
ROMANA: Well, I ... I just gone ... back into the TARDIS for some milk.
THE DOCTOR: For some milk?
ROMANA: Yes.
THE DOCTOR: I see.
ROMANA: Well otherwise he was ... he was going to go out and get some himself.
THE DOCTOR: And now he's dead?
ROMANA: Yes, Doctor.

CHRIS PARSONS: Professor?
(PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS sighs.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Professor!
(TARDIS materialisation. Door opened.)
THE DOCTOR: Hello, who are you?
(Walking out. Whirring sound of K9 coming out too.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Er - Chris ... Parsons, Saint Aloysius and Johns.
THE DOCTOR: Never heard of you. Ah - you're the one who's been causing all the trouble.
CHRIS PARSONS: Me? Where's the Book?
ROMANA: Where's the Professor?
CHRIS PARSONS: Well, he just, he, er - he, er...
THE DOCTOR: He just what?
CHRIS PARSONS: Well, I just don't know. His body just disappeared into thin air.
THE DOCTOR: Where was the body?
CHRIS PARSONS: There. It disappeared just before you arrived.
(Walking over to the place.)
THE DOCTOR: Here?
CHRIS PARSONS: Yes.
THE DOCTOR: He's gone. He must have been on his very last regeneration. Romana, did you say that someone had stolen his mind?
ROMANA: Yes.
THE DOCTOR: Yes. That's what Skagra threatened to do to me.
CHRIS PARSONS:/ROMANA: Skagra?
THE DOCTOR: You know the name?
CHRIS PARSONS: Just before the Professor died, he said three things, "Beware the Sphere, Beware Skagra..."
ROMANA: ... and "Beware Shada".
THE DOCTOR: Shada?
ROMANA: Do you know the name?
THE DOCTOR: Shada. Shada. No. You?
CHRIS PARSONS: Doesn't mean anything to me.
THE DOCTOR: Well, Mister Skagra, or whatever it is you call yourself, you've killed a Time Lord and a very old friend of mine. It's time you and I had a little chat. K9?
K9: Master?
THE DOCTOR: Can you find any trace of that Sphere?
(K9's antennae whirring.)
K9: Affirmative, Master, but it is far too weak to take a bearing.
THE DOCTOR: We'll have to wait till it becomes active again. Now listen, K9, the instant you pick up a stronger signal...
K9: Affirmative, Master.
THE DOCTOR: Right. We'll wait in the TARDIS.
(Walking off.)
ROMANA: Excellent thought.
(Whirring as K9 moves towards it too.)
THE DOCTOR: Come on, you too, Chris.
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh, right.
(Walking off.)

(Teleprinter typing. Telephone receiver lifted. Phone number being dialled. Ringing tone then answer phone message.)
CHRIS PARSONS: (answer phone) Hello, this is Chris Parsons. I'm not in right now but if you'd like to leave your name and a message I'll get back to you as soon as possible.
(Tone.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Typical. Look, it's Clare, but you probably guessed that. Oh, I hate answering machines. Anyway, your teleprinter has just delivered more pearls of wisdom, so I need to speak to you. Call me.
(Receiver replaced.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Okay, Professor Chronotis, let's see if the university directory can tell me where you live.
(Searching through book.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Aha. Right. Carlton, Charlton, Chester, Christie...
(Turning page.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Chronotis. Got ya. Saint Cedd's? But that's right across town. No wonder the Doctor wanted to borrow my bike.

(TARDIS control room background.)
THE DOCTOR: So I turned left and pedalled furiously down Pembroke Street, but I just couldn't shake off that Sphere.
K9: Master?
THE DOCTOR: Have you got something, K9?
K9: Affirmative, Master. The Sphere is active. Distance, five point seven miles at bearing four point three seven eight. Velocity fifteen point three.
THE DOCTOR: Well done. However have I coped without you these last few bodies?
(TARDIS dematerialisation.)

(Walking. Tapping on door.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Hello? Professor Chronotis?
(Knocks on door.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Doctor, are you in there? Where's my bike?
(Tapping on door.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Hello?
(TARDIS dematerialisation sound. Tapping on door. Door opened.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Hello? What was that noise?
(Door closed, walking in.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Chris? Professor Chronotis? Anyone here?

(Outside. Cows mooing. TARDIS materialisation sound. Sphere sound. Spaceship door gliding open.)
THE DOCTOR: Did you just see what I didn't see?
ROMANA: No.
THE DOCTOR: Neither did I.
CHRIS PARSONS: It just vanished, into thin air.
THE DOCTOR: That's what I said. Watch that cow-pat.
ROMANA: Come on, K9.
(Movement of K9.)
K9: Mistress.

(Ship control room.)
SKAGRA: Ship, report. What was that device the Doctor escaped into?
THE SHIP: My Lord, it displayed characteristics of a Gallifreyan time capsule. Type Thirty-Nine. Possibly Type Forty.
SKAGRA: Present whereabouts.
THE SHIP: In close proximity, my Lord. Intruders are approaching the ship.
SKAGRA: Where's the Sphere?
THE SHIP: It has returned, with more minds.
SKAGRA: And so the Doctor must have traced it. How ingenious.

(Outside. Cows mooing.)
THE DOCTOR: How could it just vanish? If K9's right, it ought to be...
(Sound of banging into electronic barrier.)
THE DOCTOR: Oof! Don't move. K9, there's something here.
K9: Affirmative, Master.
THE DOCTOR: Then why didn't you tell us?
K9: I assumed you could see it, Master.
ROMANA: What is it, K9?
K9: A spacecraft, Mistress, of very advanced design. Many of its functions are beyond my capacity to analyse.
CHRIS PARSONS: If I built something that clever I'll want people to see it.
THE DOCTOR: Shh. K9, what's it powered by?
K9: Insufficient data.
THE DOCTOR: Where could it come from?
K9: Insufficient data.
ROMANA: Well, what does it look like?
K9: Very large, Mistress.
CHRIS PARSONS: How large?
K9: One hundred and forty-five point two metres long.
THE DOCTOR: Well, that should keep the cows guessing. There must be an entrance.
CHRIS PARSONS: The Sphere disappeared about here...
(Sound of banging into electronic barrier.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh! Oh, Doctor? Yes, there's a ... there's a ramp here - at least, I think it's a ramp.
(Humming of door rising up.)
K9: A door is opening, Master.
THE DOCTOR: I assume we're being invited inside. I do hope we can see it.
K9: Affirmative, Master.
THE DOCTOR: After you, Romana.
ROMANA: Affirmative, Master.

(Walking inside.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Yes, we can see it. Wow. Better than an old police box.
THE DOCTOR: Really? K9, any sign of that deranged billiard ball?
K9: Master?
ROMANA: He means the Sphere.
(K9's antennae whirring.)
K9: All signal sources are confused, Master.
THE DOCTOR: Romana, perhaps if you three went outside again. No point in us all walking into the spider's web.
ROMANA: No Doctor, I'll stay. You might need me...
(Sudden fizz of disappearance by teleportation.)
THE DOCTOR: Romana, Chris!
SKAGRA: They will not be harmed, Doctor. For the moment.
(Door glides closed.)
THE DOCTOR: Can't say I'm impressed by the party tricks, Skagra. That is your name, isn't it?
SKAGRA: These party tricks are purely functional, their purpose precisely defined, as is mine.
THE DOCTOR: Where have you taken my companions?
SKAGRA: To a safe place. Come join me, Doctor.
(Door slides open.)
THE DOCTOR: Ah. The inner sanctum.
(Walking forwards.)
SKAGRA: Greetings, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: It's quite a place you have here, Skagra. What have you done with the Professor's mind?
SKAGRA: It will be put to a more useful purpose.
THE DOCTOR: I would argue that it was serving a very useful purpose where it was.
SKAGRA: Not to me.
THE DOCTOR: You realise he died?
SKAGRA: Only his mind was of use to me, not his life.
THE DOCTOR: You take a very proprietorial attitude to other people's minds.
SKAGRA: It seems to me the Time Lords take a very proprietorial view of the Universe.
THE DOCTOR: Just exactly who are you, Skagra?
SKAGRA: That knowledge will be of no use to you.
THE DOCTOR: Then I think you may as well tell me.
SKAGRA: And I think I may as well not. We have more important matters to discuss. This book you so generously gave me, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Which book?
(Movement of book.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh, that book. Oh, I've read it. It's rubbish.
SKAGRA: Then perhaps you would read it to me.
THE DOCTOR: I have a very boring reading voice. By the time I'd got to the bottom of the first page you'd be asleep. I'd escape, then where would you be?
SKAGRA: Read it to me.
THE DOCTOR: I presume you can't read Gallifreyan, then?
SKAGRA: Like a native. Read it to me, Doctor.
(Whirring of Sphere.)
THE DOCTOR: All right. Are you standing comfortably?
SKAGRA: I am.
THE DOCTOR: Then I'll sit down. Oh, I'd be happier if your little ball would roll away?
(Sphere noises.)
THE DOCTOR: All right, no need to take rejection to heart.
(THE DOCTOR clears throat.)
THE DOCTOR: "Grrr, vd-vd, rrr, hur-hur, dud-dud-dud-dud-dud vv, vv!" Of course, I'm paraphrasing.
SKAGRA: Doctor...
THE DOCTOR: Shh, shh, shh, this is the good bit. "Zh-zh-zh-zh-zh-zh-zh, rh-rh-rh-rh!" Skagra, you do realise this book doesn't make one bit of sense?
SKAGRA: Doctor, a fool would realise it was written in code.
THE DOCTOR: Skagra!
SKAGRA: What?
THE DOCTOR: This thing's written in code.
SKAGRA: I believe you know the code.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, I - I'm very, very stupid, I'm afraid. Very stupid.
SKAGRA: I believe you as a Time Lord know this code, and you will give that knowledge to me.
THE DOCTOR: There's no point in giving me orders, I'm very, very stupid.
SKAGRA: Oh, that is not an order.
THE DOCTOR: No?
SKAGRA: It is a statement of fact.
THE DOCTOR: Ah! How stupid of me.
SKAGRA: You will give me that knowledge because you have no choice.
(Whirring of Sphere.)
THE DOCTOR: Ah well, I don't know about that. I don't know about anything, in fact. I am an appallingly stupid person.
SKAGRA: That, Doctor, will soon be very true.
(Sphere louder whirring sound. THE DOCTOR cries out.)
SKAGRA: This time, no-one will come to your rescue. I shall have your mind.
(Sphere sound increases.)

(Another room where voices have an echo on them.)
CHRIS PARSONS: How do we get out of here? There's no door. We must have got in here by some sort of matter transference.
ROMANA: Very clever.
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh, I suppose you do this sort of thing all the time?
ROMANA: Yes, actually. Now K9, can't you pick up any trace of the Doctor?
(K9 antennae whirring.)
K9: Negative, Mistress. Every signal is shielded. Suggest manual reconfiguration of my scanning wave-bands.
ROMANA: Good idea.
CHRIS PARSONS: I was meant to be delivering a paper to the Astronomical Society tonight.
ROMANA: Oh yes? Anything now, K9?
(K9 antennae whirring.)
K9: Negative, Mistress.
CHRIS PARSONS: Finally disproves the possibility of life on other planets.
ROMANA: Oh yes?
CHRIS PARSONS: Well, I can deliver it next month.
ROMANA: All right, K9. Now try.
(K9 antennae whirring.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Have to be a complete re-write through.
K9: Triple negative, Mistress.
CHRIS PARSONS: Curious substance, this wall.
ROMANA: Oh, blast it!
K9: Affirmative, Mistress.
(K9 laser gun. Laser seems to rebound off the walls.)
ROMANA: Stop, stop, stop, K9!
K9: Apologies, Mistress. Mistress? I'm picking up faint signals.
ROMANA: Good boy, K9. What is it? Can you let us hear it?
K9: Affirmative Mistress.
(Voices including faintly THE DOCTOR calling on Romana.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Sounds different this time.
K9: Affirmative. A new voice has been added.
ROMANA: A new voice?
K9: Affirmative. It is the Doctor-Master.
(ROMANA gasps. Sphere voices with THE DOCTOR within calling "K9! Romana, please! Anyone!")

(Walking outside. Collision between two people. WILKIN and CLARE KEIGHTLEY gasp.)
WILKIN: Here! Mind where you're going, Miss.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: I'm sorry. You don't know where Professor Chronotis has gone, do you?
WILKIN: Now, now, calm down. Isn't he in his room?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: No, I've just come from there.
WILKIN: That's funny. He hasn't come out this way. If you'd like to leave a message, I'll see he gets it.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: It's terribly urgent. A book a friend of mine was taking to him - well, I think it's very dangerous.
WILKIN: Well, what I say is, people shouldn't write things if they don't want people to read them.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: No, you don't understand. It's the book itself. It's atomically unstable. It seems to be absorbing radioactivity.
WILKIN: A book's doing that?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Yes. I think it's very, very dangerous. We must find the Professor.
WILKIN: All right, Miss. I'll tell you what. You go back to his room and I'll ring round the College and see if I can find out where he's got to.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Yes, but it's...
WILKIN: Zz-zz-zz-zz! Just leave it to me, Miss.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: All right. I'll go back, then.
(Walking off.)
WILKIN: I don't know. (Laugh.) They'll publish anything these days.

(A room on the ship.)
ROMANA: Are you positive, K9? Absolutely negative?
K9: Affirmative, No signals on any frequency, Mistress.
ROMANA: I wish I could get out of here.
(Sudden sound of teleportation.)
CHRIS PARSONS: What? Where's she gone?
(K9 antennae moving.)
K9: Insufficient data. The Mistress has vanished.
CHRIS PARSONS: But - I don't get it. One minute she was standing there saying "I wish we could get out of here..." That's it!
K9: Please explain.
CHRIS PARSONS: That's what we have to say. I wish we could get out of here.
(No teleportation sound. Louder)
CHRIS PARSONS: I wish we could get out of here.
(Again, nothing.)
CHRIS PARSONS: I wish I could get out of here. Oh, blast it.
(K9's nose laser extending.)
CHRIS PARSONS: No! No, no K9, not this time. Good dog.
(Laser retracts. CHRIS PARSONS sighs.)
CHRIS PARSONS: How did she get out and not me?
K9: Insufficient data.
CHRIS PARSONS: Insufficient data, insufficient data. Why did I let myself get involved in this?
K9: Insufficient data.
(CHRIS PARSONS sighs.)

(Teleportation sound.)
SKAGRA: Ah, you must be Romana.
ROMANA: You must be Skagra. What have you done to the Doctor?
SKAGRA: Nothing you would like to hear about.
ROMANA: Let me see him.
SKAGRA: Oh, you would not enjoy it. I have taken his mind, Romana. Come.
(ROMANA gasps as though being held roughly while being led off.)
ROMANA: Let go of me! Who are you? What do you want?
SKAGRA: I want many things. At the moment I want you to stop struggling. Come on.
ROMANA: Where are you taking me?
(Door slides open.)
ROMANA: Where are you taking me!
SKAGRA: Quiet! Or I shall use the Sphere on you as well.

(Outside.)
ROMANA: Well?
SKAGRA: We are going to your travelling capsule.
ROMANA: Oh, if you think I'm going to open the TARDIS door, you're going to be extremely disappointed.
SKAGRA: Then it's just as well I already have the Doctor's key.

CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Oh, come on. Where can you have got to? Cambridge isn't that big. Oh, this is ridiculous, I'm going to...
(Walking, CLARE KEIGHTLEY gasp as though banging into something.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Ow! Ow, ow! Stupid place to put a cabinet, Professor, you might ... Hello? What's this?
(Bleeps. Sounds of three shutters closing.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: The windows?
(Control room humming.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: What's going on?
(CLARE KEIGHTLEY gasps as electronic signals start up.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: What's happening?
(Signals continue amid faint TARDIS dematerialisation sound in background.)

(Walking, almost dragging. Knocks on door.)
WILKIN: Miss? Are you in there Miss? I can't find the Professor, but I remembered there were a couple of people looking for him today. One was quite rude. I thought you might know who it was.
(Knocks on door.)
WILKIN: Are ... are you in there? I am coming in, Miss. Hold on.
(Door opened. Whirlwind sound.)
WILKIN: Heavens above!
(Door closed.)
WILKIN: I don't believe it. The Professor's room - it's ... it's vanished!

(TARDIS control room.)
SKAGRA: No doubt you also refuse to operate the TARDIS for me.
ROMANA: Of course. And the Doctor and I are the only ones who can operate it, so ... bad luck.
SKAGRA: If the Doctor can operate it, then so can I. Sphere?
(Sphere sounds.)
SKAGRA: Mm. I see. Good, ye-yes. Yes. I understand.
ROMANA: No. Oh Doctor, no.
(TARDIS dematerialisation.)

(Ship control room.)
THE DOCTOR: Very stupid, Doctor, very stupid. Yes, very stupid. Skagra?
THE SHIP: My Lord has departed.
THE DOCTOR: Who's that?
THE SHIP: My Lord Skagra.
THE DOCTOR: No, who's speaking?
THE SHIP: The servant of Skagra. I am The Ship.
THE DOCTOR: The Ship? A talking ship?
THE SHIP: Correct.
SKAGRA: Skagra must be hard-up for friends. Would you tell me where my companions are?
THE SHIP: I will not. You are an enemy of Skagra. Any orders you give me are hostile to my Lord.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, I don't mean any harm.
THE SHIP: I do not understand why you are moving.
THE DOCTOR: What?
THE SHIP: You are dead. Your entire mind was to be seized into the Sphere.
THE DOCTOR: Ah - well, it wasn't, was it? The trick on these occasions is not to resist. I just let the thing believe I was very stupid, and then it didn't pull nearly hard enough. It got a copy of my mind but left me with the original intact. Understand?
THE SHIP: No, I do not.
THE DOCTOR: No, nor do I. Perhaps I really am stupid. No, I know I am dead. And if I am dead, then I'm an ex-enemy of Skagra's. Correct?
THE SHIP: Correct.
THE DOCTOR: Then if I am dead, I cannot give orders that would be any kind of threat to Skagra. Correct?
THE SHIP: Correct.
THE DOCTOR: Then will you please release my companions?
THE SHIP: They will be released.
THE DOCTOR: Excellent. Thank you. It's getting rather stuffy in here.
THE SHIP: You are dead?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, I thought we'd sorted that out.
THE SHIP: I am programmed to conserve resources. Since there are no live beings in this area, I have shut down the oxygen supply.
THE DOCTOR: What?
(THE DOCTOR gasping for breath while THE SHIP repeats.)
THE SHIP: Dead men do not require oxygen. Dead men do not require oxygen. Dead men do not require oxygen.
(Falling to the ground.)
THE SHIP: Dead men do not require oxygen.

(Closing Doctor Who theme tune, arranged by David Arnold.)
ANNOUNCER: Doctor Who - Shada Part Three was written by Douglas Adams and directed by Nicholas Pegg. It starred Paul McGann as The Doctor, Lalla Ward as Romana, and John Leeson as K9, and featured James Fox as Professor Chronotis, Andrew Sachs as Skagra, Sean Biggerstaff as Chris Parsons, Susannah Harker as Clare Keightley, Melvyn Hayes as Wilkin, and Hannah Gordon as The Ship. Executive Producers for the original BBCi version, Martin Trickey and James Goss. The audio adventures of Doctor Who are produced by Jason Haigh-Ellery and Gary Russell for Big Finish Productions.

Part Four

(Opening Doctor Who theme tune, arranged by David Arnold.)
Announcer: Doctor Who. Shada. By Douglas Adams. Part Four.

THE DOCTOR: No, I know I am dead. And if I am dead, then I'm an ex-enemy of Skagra's. Correct?
THE SHIP: Correct.
THE DOCTOR: Then if I am dead, I cannot give orders that would be any kind of threat to Skagra. Correct?
THE SHIP: Correct.
THE DOCTOR: Then will you please release my companions?
THE SHIP: They will be released.
THE DOCTOR: Excellent. Thank you. It's getting rather stuffy in here.
THE SHIP: You are dead?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, I thought we'd sorted that out.
THE SHIP: I am programmed to conserve resources. Since there are no live beings in this area, I have shut down the oxygen supply.
THE DOCTOR: What?
(THE DOCTOR gasping for breath while THE SHIP repeats.)
THE SHIP: Dead men do not require oxygen. Dead men do not require oxygen. Dead men do not require oxygen.
(Falling to the ground.)
THE SHIP: Dead men do not require oxygen.

(Sound of teleportation.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Hey,. we're out. How did...?
K9: Imperative to locate Doctor-Master. He is in danger.
(K9 moving forward.)
K9: Stand clear. Preparing blaster fire.
CHRIS PARSONS: Erm, K9, hold on. See those signs there? What do they say? They say "Open" and "Close".
(Walking over.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Shall we try that first?
(Click. Door slides open.)
K9: Most satisfactory.
CHRIS PARSONS: Doctor!
(Running forwards. Hissing of air.)
THE SHIP: Oxygen levels returning to normal.
CHRIS PARSONS: Who said that?
THE SHIP: I am the ship. The servant of the Lord Skagra.
CHRIS PARSONS: Where's that voice coming from?
K9: Impossible to pinpoint source.
(THE DOCTOR groans.)
CHRIS PARSONS: He's all right.
THE DOCTOR: No, I'm not, I'm dead.
CHRIS PARSONS: What?
THE DOCTOR: I've been nearly too clever by three quarters.
CHRIS PARSONS: You never seem to do anything by halves.
THE DOCTOR: I persuaded the ship I was dead and it cut off my oxygen supply.
CHRIS PARSONS: You what?
THE DOCTOR: It won't take orders from an enemy of Skagra, but since it believes I'm dead ... Since I am dead, the ship has no reason not to accept my orders.
CHRIS PARSONS: What?
THE DOCTOR: It only resumed the oxygen supply when you came in. You are still alive, officially.
CHRIS PARSONS: Well, that's reassuring.
THE DOCTOR: Where's Romana?
CHRIS PARSONS: I thought she was with you. Whatever took us off came back for her.
THE DOCTOR: Skagra. He must have her, as well as...
CHRIS PARSONS: As well as what?
THE DOCTOR: That book and a copy of my mind.
CHRIS PARSONS: He's got what?
THE DOCTOR: A copy of my mind. In his Sphere. He thinks I know the key to the book.
CHRIS PARSONS: Well ... what is the key?
THE DOCTOR: I don't know. I deliberately avoided thinking about it in case he did use the Sphere on me. Come on, we can trace them from the TARDIS.
K9: Negative Master.
THE DOCTOR: What do you mean?
K9: The TARDIS is gone.

(TARDIS dematerialisation sound. Interior control room.)
SKAGRA: You see, my dear, everything is proceeding smoothly.
ROMANA: Anyone can dematerialise a TARDIS, but you'd be a real safety hazard at the major controls. That's why they're booby-trapped.
SKAGRA: Not true.
ROMANA: How do you know?
SKAGRA: My Sphere holds all the information.
ROMANA: All of it?
SKAGRA: All of it.
(Walking over. Whirring of Sphere.)
SKAGRA: I wouldn't go near it if I were you. It can do far worse things to you than you could possibly do to it.
ROMANA: I don't see why you want to steal an old Type Forty crock like this when you've got a perfectly good - and usefully invisible - ship of your own.
SKAGRA: Impressed with it, were you? I should hope you were. I designed it. But it has certain limitations. And I shall need Time Lord technology to find what the Time Lords have hidden.
ROMANA: You seem very concerned with the Time Lords. Who are you? What do you want?
SKAGRA: Have you ever heard of a man called Salyavin?

(Ship control room background.)
CHRIS PARSONS: So where's he gone?
THE DOCTOR: Or when.
CHRIS PARSONS: What?
THE DOCTOR: The TARDIS is a time machine, remember.
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh yes. Yes, he must take taken Romana because she can operate it.
THE DOCTOR: So can he. He's got my mind in that Sphere of his. Everything I know is at his disposal.
CHRIS PARSONS: There's one thing he doesn't know.
THE DOCTOR: What?
CHRIS PARSONS: You're still alive.
THE DOCTOR: Shh! I'm dead, remember.
CHRIS PARSONS: Doctor, why doesn't the ship realise that?
THE DOCTOR: Because it's only programmed to obey instructions, not to think about them. Blind logic. Now, let's work out what we know. We know that ... Er, let's work out what we don't know.
CHRIS PARSONS: Right.
THE DOCTOR: We don't know where Skagra has taken Romana, we don't know why he wants the book, we don't know what he's going to do.
CHRIS PARSONS: That's enough "don't knows" to win an election.
THE DOCTOR: Hmm.

(TARDIS materialisation. Door opened, walking out.)
ROMANA: Where are we?
SKAGRA: In deep space. On my command ship.
ROMANA: Command ship? And what do you hope to command?
SKAGRA: More than you can possibly imagine.
ROMANA: Oh, I have a very vivid imagination.
(Large creature walking forwards.)
KRARG COMMANDER: Welcome back to your ship, My Lord.
ROMANA: What is that?
SKAGRA: That is a Krarg. A rudimentary intelligence gleaned from various silicon-based life-forms I cannibalised. It's very big, very strong and very loyal. Oh - I wouldn't touch it if I were you. Those little rivulets threaded throughout the cracks in its masonry are white-hot lava.
KRARG COMMANDER: What are your orders, my Lord?

(Ship control room background.)
CHRIS PARSONS: This ship must know where he's gone.
THE DOCTOR: Ship? Speaking to you as a late-lamented enemy of your Lord Skagra, I command you to tell me where he has gone.
THE SHIP: I do not have that information.
THE DOCTOR: Typical.

ROMANA: Why won't you tell me? Why won't you just say what you're trying to do?
SKAGRA: Very well. Look at this hologram of what's outside us now. Tell me what you see.
ROMANA: Stars. Billions of them.
SKAGRA: What are they doing?
ROMANA: Doing?
SKAGRA: Yes.
ROMANA: What do you mean, what are they doing? They're just there. They're...
SKAGRA: Exactly. Spinning uselessly through the void. And around them, trillions of people spinning uselessly through their lives.
ROMANA: Says who?
SKAGRA: I say.
ROMANA: And who are you?
SKAGRA: Tch! What I am now is not important. But what I - what we all - shall be.
ROMANA: What?
SKAGRA: Shh! Look.
ROMANA: What?
SKAGRA: What do you see before you? Right in front of your eyes?
ROMANA: Nothing. Air.
SKAGRA: Billions of atoms spinning at random. Expanding energy, running down, achieving ... nothing. Entropy. Like the stars. But what is the one thing that stands against entropy, against random decay?
ROMANA: Life.
SKAGRA: Life! See how the atoms are arranged here. They have meaning, purpose. And what more meaning and purpose than in here?
ROMANA: Inside your head?
SKAGRA: Aah, you do not understand me. Your mind is too limited.
ROMANA: Huh!
KRARG COMMANDER: My Lord.
SKAGRA: Yes, speak.
KRARG COMMANDER: We shall shortly require new personnel.
SKAGRA: Ah, then proceed. Operate the vats.
KRARG COMMANDER: As my Lord commands.
(Krarg walking off.)
SKAGRA: Oh. You should see this. It may interest you.
(Walking off after it.)

(Ship control room background.)
CHRIS PARSONS: So. Back to square one.
THE DOCTOR: That's it.
CHRIS PARSONS: What?
THE DOCTOR: That's it!
CHRIS PARSONS: What?
THE DOCTOR: Square one. That's where we've got to go if we want to find out who Skagra is and what he's up to. Once we know that, we'll know where to find him. Ship, I order you to take us to where your Lord Skagra came from before arriving on this planet. Where exactly was that?
THE SHIP: Thinktank.
THE DOCTOR: Thinktank.
CHRIS PARSONS: You know what that is?
THE DOCTOR: No, but it sounds terribly grand, so I think it's about time that I did know what it is, don't you? Let's go, Ship.
THE SHIP: The new order does not conflict with programmed instructions. I will activate launch procedures.
(Motors start up.)
THE SHIP: Launch procedures activated. Launch procedures activated. Launch procedures activated. Launch procedures activated. Launch procedures activated...

(Walking in to a room full of machinery operating.)
SKAGRA: In here, my dear.
ROMANA: How much do those vats hold?
SKAGRA: Enough raw material for one Krarg army per vat. And at fifty vats, that's a lot of Krargs.
ROMANA: How very useful for you. No self-respecting spacecraft should be without one.
SKAGRA: Quite so. As a matter of fact, I take care to install at least one Krarg generator vat on each of my ships. One never knows when one might need a friend. Proceed, Commander.
KRARG COMMANDER: My Lord.
(Lever pulled.)
ROMANA: What...?
SKAGRA: Shh. Just watch.
(Bubbling, electronic sound which dies down. New Krarg walking forwards.)
KRARG: What is your command, Master?
SKAGRA: You see, my dear, with an army of these, no-one can oppose me.

(Rocket motors.)
THE DOCTOR: Now, Ship. How long will the journey take?
THE SHIP: Thirty nine astro-sidereal days.
THE DOCTOR: What! That's nearly three months.
THE SHIP: That is at full warp drive. We have hundreds of light years to cover.
CHRIS PARSONS: Hundreds of light years? In three months? That's an incredible speed.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, but not nearly fast enough. Ship, can you alter your own circuitry?
THE SHIP: Yes, I can do that.
THE DOCTOR: Right - then stop.
THE SHIP: Repeat, please.
THE DOCTOR: I said stop. Halt.
(The engines die away.)
CHRIS PARSONS: What are you doing?
THE DOCTOR: I'm about to introduce this ship to a few new concepts.
THE SHIP: Accomplished.
THE DOCTOR: Re-grade your de-oscillation digretic synthesisers by ten points.
THE SHIP: I cannot do that. The drive will explode.
THE DOCTOR: Nonsense, it will be perfectl... Oh, did I say ten points? Minus ten points.
THE SHIP: Accomplished.
THE DOCTOR: Phew, that would have been nasty. Now, realign your maxi-vectometer on drag so they cross connect with your radio-bicentric anodes.
THE SHIP: Accomplished.
THE DOCTOR: Good, now this is the difficult bit. Switch your conceptual geometer from analogue to digital mode and keep triggering feedback responses till you get a reading of seventy-five dash eight three nine.
THE SHIP: Accomplished.
THE DOCTOR: Now, let's see if that works. All right Ship, activate all re-aligned drive circuits.
(Sound like part of TARDIS materialisation sound.)
THE SHIP: Something very strange is happening.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, don't worry, keep going!
(TARDIS dematerialisation sound.)
THE DOCTOR: Ta-da!
CHRIS PARSONS: What have you done?
THE DOCTOR: I've constructed a primitive form of dimensional stabiliser by remote control.
(K9's antennae whirring.)
K9: Master...
THE DOCTOR: Not now, K9. So you see, the journey will only take a couple of minutes to anywhere.
K9: Master!
THE DOCTOR: Shh! K9. Pretty clever don't you think, Ship?
THE SHIP: For a dead man, Doctor, you are extremely ingenious.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, well, let's try not to harp on that aspect, shall we?

SKAGRA: Now, my dear, you shall see that though your friend the Doctor is unfortunately deceased, his mind lives from within the Sphere. And somewhere in his mind I am convinced is the code that will unravel the secrets of this book for me.

(Electronic alarm.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: What the heck's all that about?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: What have you done with my machine?
(CLARE KEIGHTLEY gasps. PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS hums to himself as controls are adjusted.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: There, that's better.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Who ... who are ... I was looking for Professor Chronotis.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Were you really? Oh.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: And my bike.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Bike? Oh, sorry. Well, I can't help you there. Cup of tea?

(Materialisation sound.)
K9: Master, alert.
THE DOCTOR: No need to worry, K9, it's just the ship materialising. Here we go.
(Materialisation stops.)
THE DOCTOR: Well, we're at Thinktank, wherever that is.
CHRIS PARSONS: While Skagra has presumably gone in the opposite direction.
THE DOCTOR: I know. Worrying, isn't it? But as we don't actually know where he's gone, finding out where he's been is the only thing we can do.
CHRIS PARSONS: Have you any idea what he's after?
THE DOCTOR: Something is niggling at the back of my mind.
CHRIS PARSONS: What?
THE DOCTOR: I don't know. Whatever it is we've got to stop him. Mind control is the most horrible thing. Any physical threat you can fight, but once someone has control of your mind you've lost everything. That rings a bell.
CHRIS PARSONS: It would help if we knew who Shada was.
THE DOCTOR: Who or what.
(K9's antennae whirring.)
K9: Master?
THE DOCTOR: What is it, K9?
K9: Sensors indicate hostile unidentified life-form at large on this vessel, Master.
THE DOCTOR: Nonsense, we haven't finished docking yet, Nothing could get on board.
K9: Sensors indicate life-form was created on board this vessel, Master.
THE DOCTOR: Created? What are you talking about, K9?
K9: Hypothesis suggests creation of life-form as element of automatic self-defence procedure, triggered by your modification of the vessel's drive circuitry, Master.
THE DOCTOR: Ah. Yeah - ah, I see. Now, where is it now?
K9: Heat sensors indicate estimated arrival of life-form in this command area in twenty-one seconds and counting.
THE DOCTOR: What! K9, why on earth didn't you try and tell me sooner?

ROMANA: Well, what's so important about the book?
SKAGRA: It is the Worshipful And Ancient Law Of Gallifrey.
ROMANA: So?
SKAGRA: So what does a Gallifreyan judge say when passing sentence?
ROMANA: You tell me.
SKAGRA: I will tell you. Quote. "We but administer. You are imprisoned not by this Court but by the power of the Law." Unquote. That used to be quite literally true.
ROMANA: (laugh) You mean the book is the key to...?
SKAGRA: The key with which the Time Lords used to imprison their most feared criminals. Salyavin, for instance. Sphere?
(Brief babble of voices.)
SKAGRA: He didn't know. Hah! The Doctor didn't know the code!
ROMANA: I'm glad you realise that. It's about time.
SKAGRA: Ah! Ah yes, Time. About Time - yes. I should have seen that. Ah. A Gallifreyan code would have to include the dimension of Time. Er, Sphere - find me the Doctor's last reference to Time.

(Ship control room background.)
K9: Master, alert.
THE DOCTOR: Oh come on, Ship. What's taking you so long?
THE SHIP: Estimated docking time to Thinktank, two seconds.
THE DOCTOR: Come on, come on!
(Door glides open. KRARG roar. Its voice is also like a roar.)
KRARG: Who are you?
CHRIS PARSONS: Doctor! What is it?
THE DOCTOR: I don't know.
KRARG: You are intruders.
THE DOCTOR: Well actually, I'm dead and this is Chris.
KRARG: You trespass on my Lord's ship. You shall die!
THE DOCTOR: K9!
(K9 blaster.)
K9: Master, I can only just hold him with blaster at maximum power.
THE DOCTOR: Hold on K9.
CHRIS PARSONS: What on Earth is it?
THE DOCTOR: What's Earth got to do with it? It looks like some sort of crystalline structure.
THE SHIP: Preparing to open docking bay.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, you go ahead. Don't mind us.
(KRARG roars.)

(Walking in. TARDIS control room noise.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Here we are, then. Shall I pour?
(Pouring of liquid.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: May I ask who you are?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: I was, I am, I will be, Professor Chronotis. Oh dear, we Time Lords have never managed to come up with a satisfactory form of grammar to cover these situations.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: I don't understand what's happening. What situation?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Timelessness. Standing obliquely to the time fields.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Is that what we're doing?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Oh yes, and I'm very grateful to you for arranging it.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Me? But all I did was just press a button and...
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes, I know. A very ancient TARDIS, this. I rescued it literally from the scrap heaps. I'm not really allowed to have one you know. Still, just as well though, isn't it? Otherwise I'd be dead still.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Still dead?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes, oh yes. I've been killed. Only, your timely mishandling of this machine meant that you tangled with my own time fields at the critical moment. You're not following me, are you?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: No.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Good. Think of me as a paradox in an anomaly. Drink up your tea.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: What? Oh yes.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: We must find Skagra.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Yes?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: He has the book.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Ah, the book. I was wondering where that came in.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: It is a very dangerous book, and I have been very careless with it. It is the key to Shada.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Oh.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: The ancient prison planet of the Time Lords.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: I see.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: They've been induced to forget about it.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Oh?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: If Skagra is meddling with time control and mind transference, he can only be going to Shada for one particular reason and it is imperative he be stopped.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Yes! Why? What on earth is there?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: It's not a matter of what, it's a matter of who.

(K9 blaster and roar of KRARG.)
THE SHIP: Docking sequence now complete.
THE DOCTOR: Right. Let's go and see where we are. K9?
K9: Master?
THE DOCTOR: Can you keep holding him at bay?
K9: Affirmative Master.
THE DOCTOR: Well done. Come on, Chris.
(Walking off. Door slides open.)

THE DOCTOR: (Sphere) Not only is this book not a book, but time is running backwards over it.
SKAGRA: Aha!
ROMANA: You really are snooping through the Doctor's mind. I think that's appalling!
SKAGRA: Quiet. I think I have the answer. Come, we will try a little experiment, in the Doctor's TARDIS.
(Walking off, door opened.)

VOICE OF THINKTANK: This is a recorded message. The Institute for Advanced Scientific Studies is under strict quarantine. Do not approach. Do not approach. Everything is under our control. This is a recorded message. The Institute for Advanced...
(Walking in.)
THE DOCTOR: Institute for Advanced Scientific Studies, eh? I wonder why Skagra was here?
CHRIS PARSONS: I don't know.
THE DOCTOR: Neither do I. Ah, here we are.
(Bleeps.)
CHRIS PARSONS: What are you doing?
CHRIS PARSONS: Trying to shut down that recording before it drives us completely round the twist.
VOICE OF THINKTANK: Do no app...
(Message stops.)
THE DOCTOR: That's better.
CHRIS PARSONS: Right. Er - now that we can hear ourselves think...
THE DOCTOR: Yes?
CHRIS PARSONS: I don't believe we just travelled hundred of light years.
THE DOCTOR: Why not?
CHRIS PARSONS: "You cannot travel faster than light" - Einstein.
THE DOCTOR: What? You understand Einstein?
CHRIS PARSONS: Yes.
THE DOCTOR: And quantum theory?
CHRIS PARSONS: Yes.
THE DOCTOR: What, and Planck?
CHRIS PARSONS: Yes.
THE DOCTOR: And Newton?
CHRIS PARSONS: Yes.
THE DOCTOR: What, and Schoenberg?
CHRIS PARSONS: Of course.
THE DOCTOR: You've got a lot to unlearn. Look, this door's got a sign on it. "I.A.S.S." Institute for Advanced Science Studies.
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh, there's another up here. A.S.D. Advanced State of Decay?
(Door slides open.)
THE DOCTOR: Shall we go in?
(Walking.)
THE DOCTOR: Aha, of course. Thinktank. Quite interesting.
CHRIS PARSONS: Quite interesting? This is fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. Do you mean to say that all this means something to you?
THE DOCTOR: Oh yes! It's all terrible simple. You see ... Hello?
(Gasp from man.)
CALDERA: (weakly) Help me.

(TARDIS control room. Pages of book turning. Noises from TARDIS as pages turned.)
SKAGRA: Aha.
(More noises.)
SKAGRA: Aha. You see Romana, just as I guessed. Time runs backwards over the book. So I turn the pages within the time field of this machine, and the machine operates. Good. And turning the last page will takes us to Shada.

(KRARG roars as K9 blaster continues firing.)
K9: Master. The creature is absorbing impossible amounts of energy. Master!
(KRARG roaring.)

(Door opened.)
SKAGRA: Come, my dear.
ROMANA: Get off me!
SKAGRA: Commander, I have found the key. I have broken the code.
KRARG COMMANDER: We can repair it, Master.
SKAGRA: Fool. Make all preparations for the entry into Shada.
KRARG COMMANDER: My Lord.
(Krarg walking off.)
SKAGRA: And you, my dear, must prepare yourself to meet one of the greatest, most powerful criminals in history. A man the Time Lords have chosen to forget.
ROMANA: Salyavin.
SKAGRA: Yes, Salyavin. The lynchpin to my plans.

(CALDERA groaning.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Who is he?
THE DOCTOR: According to his name tag, a Professor Caldera. He's barely alive. Caldera. I know that name.
CHRIS PARSONS: And who are these other ones, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: More victims of Skagra's brain drain. Their intellectual powers have been stolen. Their memory patterns might still remain.
CHRIS PARSONS: If only they could tell us what's happened to them.
THE DOCTOR: Yes. Chris...
CHRIS PARSONS: Yes?
THE DOCTOR: I'd like you to do something for me.
CHRIS PARSONS: Certainly.
THE DOCTOR: Afraid it won't be pleasant.
CHRIS PARSONS: All right.
THE DOCTOR: I'm going to allow this man access to your intelligence reserves. It's all right - it's only temporary, but it might just allow his mind to function. Now, if I can wire you into this lash-up here...
(Moving objects.)
THE DOCTOR: Yes, you can see they were already working on something similar.
CHRIS PARSONS: The Sphere?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, I should think so. Now, if you lie there, Chris ... That's it. Hold steady, and hold onto this. Now, I should be able to link you and him together through this apparatus here.
CHRIS PARSONS: I hope you know what you're doing.
THE DOCTOR: So do I.
(Whine of power starts up.)
THE DOCTOR: Now, take a deep breath ... Now!
(CHRIS PARSONS sudden gasp, faint echoing sounds of CHRIS PARSONS saying "Doctor, stop ... No, stop it," then CHRIS PARSONS sigh.)
CALDERA: Skagra!

(K9 blaster firing, KRARG roars.)
K9: Master. This creature is continuing to absorb energy. It is growing stronger. Hurry, Master.
(KRARG roars continue.)

(Whine of power from apparatus.)
CALDERA: Who are you?
THE DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor.
CALDERA: What are you doing here?
THE DOCTOR: Who are you?
CALDERA: My name is Caldera.
THE DOCTOR: A St John D Caldera?
CALDERA: The same.
THE DOCTOR: The neurologist?
CALDERA: Yes.
THE DOCTOR: It's a pleasure to meet you, sir. One of the greatest intellects of your generation.
CALDERA: So are we all.
THE DOCTOR: What?
CALDERA: If you examine the others lying over there, you'll find A.S.T. Thira the psychologist, G.V. Santori the parametricist, L.D. Ia, the biologist. R.F. Akrotiri...
THE DOCTOR: Some of the greatest intellects in the Universe.
CALDERA: And Doctor Skagra. geneticist, and astro-engineer, and cyberneticist, and neuro-structuralist, and moral theologian.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, and too clever by seven-eighths. Who is he? Where does he come from?
CALDERA: Oh. We don't know.
THE DOCTOR: What?
CALDERA: But he was very impressive. He offered very handsome fees, so we all agreed.
THE DOCTOR: To do what?
CALDERA: Oh, don't you see? The Thinktank was his idea. He set it up.
THE DOCTOR: He did? For what purpose?
CALDERA: The pooling of intellectual resources by electronic mind transference.
THE DOCTOR: What?
CALDERA: He conceived the whole project on a grand scale. Just how grand we didn't realise. Not at first. Not until after we had built the Sphere. But by then, it was too late.
THE DOCTOR: Why? What happened?
CALDERA: He stole our minds. The whole of humanity.
THE DOCTOR: The whole of humanity?
CALDERA: The whole. But he needed...
THE DOCTOR: What did he need?
CALDERA: One mind, one unique mind.
THE DOCTOR: What mind?
CALDERA: A man called...
THE DOCTOR: What was he called?
CALDERA: A man called...
THE DOCTOR: What was he called?
CALDERA: Salyavin!
THE DOCTOR: Salyavin?
(Final gasp of CALDERA.)

(K9 blaster, KRARG roars, blaster fades. K9's voice growing more sluggish and slowing down.)
K9: Master ... unable to keep creature at bay. Apologies, Master. It is heading in your direction.

(Gentle slapping of face to wake.)
THE DOCTOR: Chris? Chris, are you all right?
(CHRIS PARSONS mumbles at first)
CHRIS PARSONS: What, what? ... Ah. I feel marvellous.
THE DOCTOR: Good, good, it'll pass. You're fit.
CHRIS PARSONS: What about him?
THE DOCTOR: He doesn't look too good, I'm afraid.
CHRIS PARSONS: What did you find out?
THE DOCTOR: Not much. Not enough to locate Skagra, just enough to frighten me out of my wits.
(Advancing of KRARG.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Doctor, look out!
(KRARG roars.)

(Closing Doctor Who theme tune, arranged by David Arnold.)
ANNOUNCER: Doctor Who - Shada Part Four was written by Douglas Adams and directed by Nicholas Pegg. It starred Paul McGann as The Doctor, Lalla Ward as Romana and John Leeson as K9, and featured James Fox as Professor Chronotis, Andrew Sachs as Skagra, Sean Biggerstaff as Chris Parsons, Susannah Harker as Clare Keightley, Hannah Gordon as The Ship, Barnaby Edwards as the Krarg Commander, Stuart Crossman as the Krargs, and Nicholas Pegg as the Voice of Thinktank. Executive Producers for the original BBCi version, Martin Trickey and James Goss. The audio adventures of Doctor Who are produced by Jason Haigh-Ellery and Gary Russell for Big Finish Productions.

Part Five

(Opening Doctor Who theme tune, arranged by David Arnold.)
ANNOUNCER: Doctor Who. Shada. By Douglas Adams. Part Five.

THE DOCTOR: Chris, are you all right?
(CHRIS PARSONS mumbles at first)
CHRIS PARSONS: What, what? Ah. I feel marvellous.
THE DOCTOR: Good, good, it'll pass. You're fit.
CHRIS PARSONS: What about him?
THE DOCTOR: He doesn't look too good, I'm afraid.
CHRIS PARSONS: What did you find out?
THE DOCTOR: Not much. Not enough to locate Skagra, just enough to frighten me out of my wits.
(Advancing of KRARG.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Doctor, look out!
(KRARG roars.)
THE DOCTOR: Chris?
CHRIS PARSONS: Yes?
THE DOCTOR: Still feeling marvellous?
CHRIS PARSONS: Yes.
THE DOCTOR: Good. Distract it. Give me ten seconds.
CHRIS PARSONS: Er, er, right. Well, er ...
(As thought to a pet dog)
CHRIS PARSONS: Come on then. Come on. Come on then.
K9: Danger, Master, Danger.
THE DOCTOR: I know, K9, I know.
CHRIS PARSONS: It's going for the equipment, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Caldera, wake up, man. Professor Caldera?
(KRARG roars.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh no. Chris, jump!
(Running off.)
THE DOCTOR: K9, outside now.
(KRARG roars, explosion.)

(Running down a corridor.)
THE DOCTOR: Down here. Come on.
(Door opened.)
THE DOCTOR: Come on, in here.
(Door closes.)
THE DOCTOR: I should have been able to save them.
CHRIS PARSONS: But they were dead.
THE DOCTOR: We don't know that. I only checked on Caldera, the others might have been...
K9: Master? I only detected two viable humanoid life-forms in that room. Yourself and Christopher Parsons.
THE DOCTOR: I see. Thank you, K9. Let's get out of here.
(Walking off.)

THE SHIP: Emergency, Emergency. Imminent explosion in our vicinity.
(Door slides open.)
THE SHIP: Emergency escape procedures will be initiated.
(Door slides closed. Walking in.)
THE SHIP: Thinktank's emergency systems are damaged.
THE DOCTOR: Damaged by the stupid creature you created, Ship.
THE SHIP: The Krarg's metabolism has reacted with the power systems of the Thinktank station. Destruction imminent. You should depart immediately.
THE DOCTOR: Yes - well, just stop nattering and get on with it.
(Juddering of engines.)
THE DOCTOR: No, not that way. I told you how to do it. Dematerialise.
(Explosion.)
THE DOCTOR: All those brilliant minds. Gone forever. Well done, Ship, you're learning. Which is more than we're doing.
CHRIS PARSONS: What do you mean?
THE DOCTOR: We're still no nearer finding Skagra.
CHRIS PARSONS: What do you think we should do?
THE DOCTOR: I don't know.
CHRIS PARSONS: Well, try looking on the bright side.
THE DOCTOR: I have. There's nothing there. Now listen to me, Ship.
THE SHIP: I hear you.
THE DOCTOR: Good. Now I'm going to ask you once again. Where is your Lord Skagra?
THE SHIP: He did not reveal his destination to me.
THE DOCTOR: But you must have some idea.
THE SHIP: I am a computer. I do not have ideas. I obey instructions.
THE DOCTOR: So you've no idea where he's gone?
THE SHIP: I do not.
THE DOCTOR: Well, doesn't the wretched man have a home to go to?
THE SHIP: Yes.
THE DOCTOR: He has?
THE SHIP: Yes.
THE DOCTOR: Then why didn't you tell me?
THE SHIP: You didn't ask.
THE DOCTOR: (sigh.) Will you please take us there?
THE SHIP: Doctor, much of my circuitry feels uneasy about continuing to accept instructions from a dead man.
THE DOCTOR: Yes - well, just tell it not to worry. I'm sure your Lord Skagra will be very anxious to pay his last respects to me.
THE SHIP: Instructions accepted.
THE DOCTOR: Computers. They're so literal-minded. Aren't they, K9?
K9: Master?

(Humming TARDIS control room background. Moving object.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Look Professor, I don't even know what I'm meant to be doing.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: We must get this old TARDIS of mine moving again.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Well, it certainly moved when I touched it.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: A spasm, a mere spasm. I only hope it wasn't a dying spasm, because it has left us jammed between two irrational time interfaces, and time is moving away from us. If we ever do manage to disentangle ourselves, I'll have to be careful otherwise I shall cease to exist again.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Oh, really?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Now, do what I do.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: What's that?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Forget about it.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: That's easier said than done. Who is this Salyavin person?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Salyavin is - or was - a criminal of sorts. The stories of his exploits have been wildly exaggerated. He was just a hot-headed, brilliant young man with rather a peculiar talent. Botheration, I can't fix this.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Can I help?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: It's difficult. It's very difficult. To repair an interfacial resonator requires two operations which must be performed absolutely simultaneously, and to be honest, my dear, I don't think you have the knowledge.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: So we're stuck?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: I could learn, you know. I'm very quick. What's the matter?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Listen to me. Listen to me very carefully. What I am about to do you are never to speak of, and this is the only time I will ever do it.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: What are you talking about?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Do I have your promise?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Well, what are you going to do?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Do I have your promise?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Yes, yes, all right.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: What is that piece of equipment you are holding in your hand?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: I have absolutely no idea.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Good. Now, close your eyes and let your mind relax. Go blank.
(Sound of hypnotic power accompanied by a heartbeat sound.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Now, open your eyes. What is the piece of equipment?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: This? It's a conceptual geometer relay, with an agronomic trigger, and a totally defunct field separator. But it doesn't really matter. We can dispense with it if we can get that interfacial resonator working again.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Splendid.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Well, let's do it then, shall we?

(Door opens. KRARG walking.)
SKAGRA: Well?
ROMANA: Well what?
SKAGRA: Hush! Report.
KRARG COMMANDER: Your ship has docked with us, my Lord.
SKAGRA: My ship? What is it doing here?
ROMANA: Perhaps it missed your company.
SKAGRA: We should prepare for all eventualities. Hmm. How is the work in the vats proceeding?
KRARG COMMANDER: We have a full complement of Krargs, my Lord.
SKAGRA: Created to my specifications?
KRARG COMMANDER: They have rudimentary movement and understanding of basic commands.
SKAGRA: Good. Then let us go.
ROMANA: Why do you need this army of ... witless thugs, Skagra?
SKAGRA: They have an important part to play later, in my...
(Door opens, walking in.)
SKAGRA: Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Ah. Hello there.
ROMANA: Doctor. How did you get here?
THE DOCTOR: These kind people brought me.
(Growling sounds.)
ROMANA: Krargs. Oh, Doctor. Hello, Chris.
CHRIS PARSONS: Romana.
ROMANA: Oh, K9. How are you?
K9: Fully recharged, Mistress.
SKAGRA: Enough of these pleasantries. Doctor, I am a little surprised to find you here.
THE DOCTOR: Your ship was a little surprised to find itself bringing me.
SKAGRA: You stole my ship?
THE DOCTOR: Only after you stole mine. Oh, there she is. I hope you've been looking after her. May I check? If you've been over-revving her in third phase...
(Walking forwards.)
KRARG COMMANDER: You will not pass without Lord Skagra's permission.
THE DOCTOR: Ah.
SKAGRA: I am curious to know how you survived the treatment of my Sphere.
THE DOCTOR: It only looks for what it expects to find. I made it look for the wrong things. We Time Lords have very slippery minds.
SKAGRA: So I am aware, Doctor. If you have come here in the hope of interfering with my great purpose, I am afraid you will be...
THE DOCTOR: Great purpose, hah!
SKAGRA: Yes, Doctor, the very greatest.
THE DOCTOR: I know what you want to do. You want to take over the Universe, don't you? I've met your sort before. Any moment a mad gleam will come into your eye, you'll start shouting, "The universe will be mine!"
SKAGRA: How naive, Doctor. How pathetically limited your vision.
THE DOCTOR: Limited?
SKAGRA: "Take over the Universe." Oh, how childish. Who could possibly want to take over the Universe?
THE DOCTOR: Exactly. This is what I keep trying to tell people. It's a troublesome place, difficult to administer, and as a piece of real estate it's worthless, because by definition there'd be nobody to sell it to.
SKAGRA: Such visions are for infants. My purpose is to fulfil the natural evolutionary goal of all life.
THE DOCTOR: Oh yes?
SKAGRA: With the aid of the Sphere, I shall make the whole of creation merge into one single mind, one godlike entity.
THE DOCTOR: You will?
SKAGRA: The Universe, Doctor, shall not, as you so crudely put it, be mine. The Universe shall be me.
THE DOCTOR: Have you discussed this with anybody? Why don't you send one of your Krargs to make some tea and we can sit down...
SKAGRA: Doctor, your inane witterings do not interest me. This will happen. It will start within hours. And once started, nothing you or anyone can do will stop it. Commander, take them away, lock them up, melt down the key.
THE DOCTOR: K9, now!
(K9 laser gun blast. KRARG growls.)
THE DOCTOR: Romana, Chris, run!
SKAGRA: No you don't!
ROMANA: Get off me! K9, go. Tell the Doctor...
SKAGRA: Be silent! Krargs, get after them. Kill them!
(Roaring of KRARGS.)

(Running in corridor.)
THE DOCTOR: Clever feint don't you think? Making them think I was trying to get to the TARDIS.
CHRIS PARSONS: What were you trying to do?
THE DOCTOR: Get to the TARDIS.
CHRIS PARSONS: Where are we?
THE DOCTOR: Lost.
(K9 whirring as it approaches.)
K9: Master, wait!
THE DOCTOR: What now, K9?
K9: The Mistress. She is not with us.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, Romana. Never mind, she'll be fine. Keep moving. Down here.
(Running off. K9 moving too.)

SKAGRA: Fools. This is my command ship. Where do they think they can go? They will be caught and destroyed.
KRARG COMMANDER: What do you want done with this one, my Lord?
SKAGRA: Romana will come with us to Shada.
ROMANA: Shada?
SKAGRA: Yes. Enough time has been taken. We will leave now, in your TARDIS.
(ROMANA gasps as though being held roughly.)
SKAGRA: Come on!
(Moving off.)

(Walking in corridor, stopping.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Doctor, that man must be mad, mustn't he?
THE DOCTOR: Madness, sanity, it's all just a matter of opinion.
CHRIS PARSONS: What's your opinion?
THE DOCTOR: He must be mad. And infinitely dangerous.
CHRIS PARSONS: You mean he's serious? He can do all that?
THE DOCTOR: It's possible.
(K9's antennae whirring.)
K9: Master. Krargs approaching.
THE DOCTOR: In here, quickly.
(Moving off to hide.)
THE DOCTOR: Now, stay quiet.
K9: (quietly) Permission to blast them, Master?
THE DOCTOR: No, just stay quiet.
(KRARGS walking past.)
THE DOCTOR: They've gone. Right, back the way we came, quietly.
(Humming.)
THE DOCTOR: Shh!
CHRIS PARSONS: What?
THE DOCTOR: That.
CHRIS PARSONS: The TARDIS? Surprised we can hear it from here.
THE DOCTOR: Something odd about it. Come on. Around here ... Oh.
CHRIS PARSONS: This wasn't here before.
K9: Master, this doorway is inconsistent with the other doorways aboard this ship.
CHRIS PARSONS: You mean because it's made of wood, not metal?
THE DOCTOR: And because this little name plate says "Chronotis, Professor J.F." How interesting.
K9: Master, the creatures have spotted us and are converging on this area.
THE DOCTOR: K9, how I've missed having you round to tell me the patently obvious.
CHRIS PARSONS: What do we do now?
THE DOCTOR: Now? We go through this door. Get in.
(Door opened, running in.)

CHRIS PARSONS: Clare!
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Chris!
THE DOCTOR: Clare.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Doctor!
K9: Professor?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Cup of tea?
(Banging on door.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Those monsters will burn their way through the door if they don't knock it down first.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Oh, I doubt it, my boy. Hello again, Doctor. How do you like my TARDIS?
THE DOCTOR: I never realised.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: It's strictly unofficial. I'm not really allowed to have one.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, and what better way to hide it than by living in it, you old sly-boots.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Chris, what are you doing here?
CHRIS PARSONS: How am I supposed to know?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: I know this may sound off, but - have you seen my bike at all? Only, I lent it to the Doctor...
CHRIS PARSONS: Your bike? No. What's the Professor's room doing here?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Oh, you may well ask, but ask the Professor.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Doctor, where is Skagra?
THE DOCTOR: Probably going somewhere in my TARDIS. He's got my TARDIS, you see, and he's got Romana, and he's got the book. I thought you were dead, Professor.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes, so did I. Now, listen Doctor, if Skagra has the TARDIS and the book, he can get to Shada.
THE DOCTOR: Shada? Shada?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes, the Time Lords' prison planet. You've probably forgotten about it.
THE DOCTOR: I never forget anything. I never ... That's right, I had forgotten. The Time Lords' prison planet. Now, why would I have forgotten that? Well, of course - Salyavin was imprisoned on Shada. Clare, ask me who Salyavin was.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Oh, he was a great criminal imprisoned centuries ago by the Time Lords.
THE DOCTOR: Oh yes, well ... Well, a great criminal, unique mental powers. He had the capacity to project his mind into other minds. Didn't he, Professor?
CHRIS PARSONS: And that's what Skagra's doing?
THE DOCTOR: Oh no, no, with Skagra it's quite the opposite. Skagra has the capacity to take minds out of people, but he can't put minds into them. This is why he needs Salyavin and his Sphere, and that's why he's going to Shada.
CHRIS PARSONS: Of course.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Doctor, he must not get there.
THE DOCTOR: Well, obviously Professor, I mean with Skagra's mind and Salyavin's mind in the Sphere, Skagra will become omnipotent.
CHRIS PARSONS: What - what, do you mean he could just move himself into every mind in the Universe?
THE DOCTOR: Oh yes, eventually. It might take thousands of years, but that wouldn't matter. His mind would be immortal. It would spread like a disease.
CHRIS PARSONS: It's quite a thought though, isn't it? Every mind working together as a single organism, a single mind.
THE DOCTOR: Skagra's mind. Not a pleasant thought.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Doctor, we've got to stop him from getting to Shada.
THE DOCTOR: Yes. But how? He got a start on us and we don't know the way.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: We must follow him.
CHRIS PARSONS: But how?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: The same way we arrived.
THE DOCTOR: You followed the TARDIS's space-time trail. Of course. Then let's get moving.
(Walking over.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Yes!
(Controls pressed.)

(TARDIS materialisation. Door opened. Walking out.)
SKAGRA: Shada. The book worked, Romana. It programmed your TARDIS and brought us here. The key turns slowly in the lock, the door to Shada opens.
MALE VOICE: Beware. This is the prison planet Shada. Unauthorised entry is punishable by matter dispersion. Leave immediately. Unauthorised entry is punishable by matter dispersion. There is no authorised entry.
[Note: Despite the closing credits, clearly can't be called Voice of Thinktank even though it has a similar loudspeaker voice.)
ROMANA: It looks utterly dismal.
SKAGRA: It was built by your race. A prison planet.
ROMANA: Did you hear the warning?
SKAGRA: What of it?
ROMANA: Matter dispersion? I don't like the sound of that.
SKAGRA: Commander, keep her silent.
KRARG COMMANDER: Yes, my Lord. You - keep silent.
ROMANA: Absolutely. Anything you say.
(SKAGRA laughs to himself.)
SKAGRA: Ah, excellent. This antediluvian technology still functions perfectly.
(Bleeps.)
SKAGRA: Ah! I have found the prisoner index. "Rungar - war crimes, cabinet forty-five, chamber S; Sabjactric - mass murder, cabinet forty-three, chamber L ..."
(He gasps.)
SKAGRA: "Salvayin. Mind crimes. Cabinet nine, chamber T." Chamber T, cabinet nine. Commander, leave two Krargs to guard this machine. You can bring Romana. Come, my dear, and meet the great Salyavin.
(Walking onwards.)

(Humming of TARDIS control room. TARDIS materialisation.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Doctor, we're arrived. We're on Shada.
THE DOCTOR: Good! Now, you two?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY:/CHRIS PARSONS: Yes?
THE DOCTOR: Stay here.
CHRIS PARSONS: (simultaneously=1) What?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: (simultaneously=2) Why should we...?
THE DOCTOR: I'm not at liberty to explain. K9, you can come along, but you're not to tangle with any Krargs.
K9: Affirmative, Master.
(K9's antennae whirring.)
THE DOCTOR: Unless of course you have to tangle with any Krargs.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Hurry. Skagra will be here already.
(Walking out.)

(Walking.)
SKAGRA: This is where your precious Time Lords used to put the criminals they simply wanted to forget about.
ROMANA: I've never even heard of it.
SKAGRA: Evidently you forget very thoroughly on Gallifrey. This way.
(Walking onwards.)

(Door opened with a creak.)
THE DOCTOR: Well, here we are. My TARDIS must be in this direction.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: But Skagra will have gone in that direction.
THE DOCTOR: How do you know?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: I ... I heard footsteps.
THE DOCTOR: If I can get back to my TARDIS first we can stop Skagra getting it back. He'll have no escape.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: But it is imperative we find him before he finds Salyavin.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, but let's just exercise a little strategy, shall we?

(Walking onwards.)
SKAGRA: Observe. The prisoners of Shada, each one in his own separate cryogenic cell. Alive, but frozen, in perpetual imprisonment. A very humane solution don't you think?
ROMANA: Don't look at me. I'm not answerable for the Time Lords.
SKAGRA: But you are, Madam President.
ROMANA: But - how did...?
SKAGRA: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you really think the information in this Sphere didn't show me exactly who you and the Doctor truly are?
(ROMANA sighs.)
ROMANA: All right, Skagra. But I'm not responsible for the actions of previous administrations.
SKAGRA: Oh, no matter. Time Lords will soon be irrelevant. Krarg Commander?
KRARG COMMANDER: My Lord?
SKAGRA: Stay here until I call for you. The rest of you, follow me. Now we shall find Salyavin.
(Walking off.)

(TARDIS control room.)
CHRIS PARSONS: It's odd the way some days work out, isn't it? I mean, there I was, just cycling down King's Parade...
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Chris, there's something very odd about the Professor...
CHRIS PARSONS: Why single out the Professor? Why have we been abandoned in here, anyway? One minute we're fighting those Krarg things, the next, "stay put." I feel like a pet dog, but another pet dog. I want to know what's going on out there.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Chris, you're not listening to me...
CHRIS PARSONS: I just don't like getting left behind. I mean, just because we come from Earth doesn't give everyone the right to be patronising towards us. Well, admittedly, all this stuff in here does make us look a bit primitive. I haven't got the faintest idea how it all works.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: I have.
CHRIS PARSONS: You have?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: At least I did have for a few minutes.
CHRIS PARSONS: What do you mean?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: That's what I've been trying to tell you all along. It's something that the Professor did to me, to my mind.

(K9 moving.)
K9: Master, I have located the TARDIS.
THE DOCTOR: Well done, K9.
K9: It is guarded by two Krargs.
THE DOCTOR: Oh well, so much for strategy. All right, we'll do it your way.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Er, before we go - K9?
K9: Professor?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: If Skagra tries to use the Sphere on anyone, you must destroy it.
K9: Affirmative.
THE DOCTOR: I intend destroying it anyway. Come on, let's find Skagra, and Romana.
(Running off and K9 whirring along too.)

SKAGRA: Cabinet nine. At last. The man I have spent my life searching for. The man who will reshape the entire Universe. Salyavin. Let us release him.
(Walking over.)
THE DOCTOR: No, Skagra, stop!
ROMANA: Doctor...
SKAGRA: (gasps.) Keep away from here.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Skagra, you must not press that button.
SKAGRA: Commander, you and your fellow Krargs persuade our uninvited guests to keep back, please.
(Roar of KRARGS.)
SKAGRA: You are too late, Doctor. Salyavin is released!
(Door opened.)
ROMANA: Empty!
SKAGRA: Aah! Salyavin! Well ... where is Salyavin?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Well, I should have thought that was obvious by now. I escaped centuries ago.

(TARDIS control room humming in the background.)
CHRIS PARSONS: Let me just get this right. You say that he just ... just walked into your mind?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Well, sort of. It's as if he just barged in through the front door and started shuffling my thoughts about.
CHRIS PARSONS: But the Doctor said that ability was unique to the guy Skagra's come here to find. Which would mean that ... Professor Chronotis is...
(Standing up.)
CHRIS PARSONS: On your feet, Keightley. Come on, let's see what's happening.
(Walking out, door opening with a creak.)

SKAGRA: You!
THE DOCTOR: You're Salyavin?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Yes I am, Doctor. That's why I wanted no-one to come here. I wanted to live my life out in peace. To forget the stupidities of my past, forget this hateful power. I have suppressed it for years, except where it was necessary to cover my tracks. Now go, Skagra, leave me in peace. Forget this insanity.
SKAGRA: No Salyavin, I have you here. I have everything I need.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Do not force me to use my power on you, Skagra.
(Movement of Sphere.)
THE DOCTOR: K9, the Sphere. Shoot it.
(K9 laser gun blast.)
K9: Sphere unassailable by my weaponry, Master.
(Running forwards.)
ROMANA: Professor, look out.
(Movement of Sphere.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: No, no! Keep away!
(PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS cries out. Whirring of Sphere as it attacks.)
SKAGRA: Excellent. And now for you, Doctor. Stay very, very still. The Sphere has taken what it wants from the Professor's mind, but it seems fond of you.
THE DOCTOR: You've had one chance to take my mind, Skagra. Why should I give you another?
SKAGRA: You're right, Doctor. Sphere, I want my army.
ROMANA: Doctor, I've just realised.
THE DOCTOR: What is it?
ROMANA: It's the Krargs. Skagra insisted on creating mindless ones because he wants...
THE DOCTOR: Because he's going to let the Sphere put minds into their bodies.
SKAGRA: Top of the class, both of you. Sphere - now.
THE DOCTOR: No Skagra, for heaven's sake, you can't give those brutes fragments of those minds.
SKAGRA: Observe, Doctor. That's just what I am doing. Now, Doctor, you shall see the beginning of the Universal mind!
(Growls of KRARGS.)
KRARGS: The Universal mind ... The Universal mind!

(Closing Doctor Who theme tune, arranged by David Arnold.)
ANNOUNCER: Doctor Who - Shada Part Five was written by Douglas Adams and directed by Nicholas Pegg. It starred Paul McGann as The Doctor, Lalla Ward as Romana and John Leeson as K9, and featured James Fox as Professor Chronotis, Andrew Sachs as Skagra, Sean Biggerstaff as Chris Parsons, Susannah Harker as Clare Keightley, Hannah Gordon as The Ship, Barnaby Edwards as the Krarg Commander, Stuart Crossman as the Krargs, and Nicholas Pegg as the Voice of Thinktank. Executive Producers for the original BBCi version, Martin Trickey and James Goss. The audio adventures of Doctor Who are produced by Jason Haigh-Ellery and Gary Russell for Big Finish Productions.

Part Six

(Opening Doctor Who theme tune, arranged by David Arnold.)
ANNOUNCER: Doctor Who. Shada. By Douglas Adams. Part Six.

ROMANA: Doctor, I've just realised.
THE DOCTOR: What is it?
ROMANA: It's the Krargs. Skagra insisted on creating mindless ones because he wants...
THE DOCTOR: Because he's going to let the Sphere put minds into their bodies.
SKAGRA: Top of the class, both of you. Sphere - now.
THE DOCTOR: No Skagra, for heaven's sake, you can't give those brutes fragments of those minds.
SKAGRA: Observe, Doctor. That's just what I am doing. Now, Doctor, you shall see the beginning of the Universal mind!
(Growls of KRARGS.)
KRARGS: The Universal mind ... The Universal mind!
(Running forwards.)
CHRIS PARSONS: No! Doctor, the Professor...
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Chris, look out!
THE DOCTOR: Get back, both of you.
SKAGRA: Sphere?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Chris!
CHRIS PARSONS: Doctor...!
(His cry dies away then like the others, chants repeatedly)
CHRIS PARSONS: Universal mind. Universal mind.
SKAGRA: Now Doctor, we will deal with you.
KRARGS: Universal mind...
ROMANA: K9, remember when we were in the cell? Fire, but not at the Krargs.
K9: Mistress?
ROMANA: Oh, come on K9, think. At the wall. Ricochets. Make a barrier between them and us. Ricochets.
K9: Affirmative, Mistress.
(K9's laser gun shots. Echoing sounds of the blaster.)
THE DOCTOR: Well done, K9. Romana, Clare, let's go.
(Walking off.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: But Chris...
ROMANA: There's nothing we can do for him or the Professor now. Come on.
(Echoing sounds of K9's blaster.)
SKAGRA: Commander, go through these laser blasts. They can't hurt you. Get after them. Bring me back the Doctor.
KRARG COMMANDER: Bring ... Doctor.
CHRIS PARSONS: Doctor ...
KRARG COMMANDER: Bring...
CHRIS PARSONS: Bring...
KRARG COMMANDER: Doctor...
CHRIS PARSONS: Doctor...

(Running in corridor.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Which way, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Down here. And I told you to stay in the room.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Yes, but...
THE DOCTOR: Come on.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: But Chris...
THE DOCTOR: Come on. To the Professor's TARDIS. Quickly, in here.

(TARDIS control room. Door opened. Running in.)
THE DOCTOR: Quick, come in. Come in. Come on, K9.
K9: Master.
(Door closed.)
THE DOCTOR: Do sit down.
(Slumping into a chair out of breath.)
ROMANA: Thank you, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Clever move that by Skagra.
ROMANA: (sigh.) He just has to think something and the Krargs will do it.
THE DOCTOR: Well, that's the idea. I imagine from all that shouting he hasn't quite perfected it yet, but give him a few more minutes.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Well, what are we going to do?
ROMANA: So far he's beaten us on every point.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: He's even got Chris.
ROMANA: Yes.
THE DOCTOR: Quiet, I'm thinking. I'm thinking, and it depresses me.
(Banging on door.)
THE DOCTOR: Well, that didn't take them long. Now, listen. Skagra's little zombie gang have got the brain power of the greatest intellects in the Universe shared out among them, the Thinktank.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: The who?
THE DOCTOR: Never mind about that - just believe me. All the minds that Skagra's stolen are now in the melting-pot along with his own, and they are all operating as one. And with the Professor's - I mean, with Salyavin's mind in there too, they can now control anyone. They can control everyone. They'll be invincible.
ROMANA: Erm, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Yes?
ROMANA: May I just remind you of something?
THE DOCTOR: Yes?
ROMANA: All the minds that Skagra's stolen are in the melting-pot.
THE DOCTOR: Yes.
ROMANA: That means yours is in there too?
THE DOCTOR: Yes ... Romana?
ROMANA: Yes, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Romana, it's at times like this I remember why I enjoy travelling with you so much. You are a genius.
ROMANA: Well, I don't know about...
THE DOCTOR: No, shush. Trying to think.

(KRARG sounds, battering on door.)
SKAGRA: Commander, what is this?
KRARG COMMANDER: The Doctor is in there, my Lord.
SKAGRA: In there?
KRARG: I think it is some kind of travelling machine. We have tried to open it, but it stands up to everything.
SKAGRA: Hmm. (Laugh.) The Doctor. A poor little man. A pin-prick of an irrelevancy. Let him amuse himself with his tricks. They are merely the tiny antics of an insect threatened with inevitable extinction. We will go.
(Sounds of KRARGS moving off.)

THE DOCTOR: Well, what do you think? It'll be tricky.
ROMANA: And dangerous.
THE DOCTOR: A touch.
ROMANA: Doctor, it'll be terribly, terribly dangerous for you. You'll stand about as much chance as a ... well, there isn't anything that stands as little chance as you will out there.
THE DOCTOR: Really? Well, I shall just have to be terribly brave, won't I?
ROMANA: Doctor, it isn't funny.
THE DOCTOR: Listen, I can do my part if you can do yours.
ROMANA: I'll try.
THE DOCTOR: You are a genius, remember?

(Sound of KRARGS. Walking.)
SKAGRA: Come. Into the Doctor's TARDIS.
(Door opened, entering. Inside)
SKAGRA: We will return to the carrier ship. From there a fleet of small craft will take each of us to selected centres of population and the great mind revolution will begin.
(TARDIS dematerialisation.)

THE DOCTOR: Clare?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Yes, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Hold on very tight. All right, Romana?
ROMANA: No, but I suppose we have to do this?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, I'm afraid we do. Ready? Now!

(TARDIS control room. Small bang.)
SKAGRA: Ah, something's wrong.
(Controls pressed.)
SKAGRA: Something's interfering with these controls. They're jammed.
KRARG: What is the cause, my Lord?
SKAGRA: There must be something out there in the Space-Time Vortex with us. Something...
(Whirling sound of viewer screen.)
SKAGRA: Ah, the Doctor. He's using the Professor's TARDIS to generate a force-field.

THE DOCTOR: Ha-ha! Got them. Well done, Romana.
ROMANA: We haven't got to the hard bit yet.
THE DOCTOR: You're right. We haven't got long. Clare?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Yes Doctor, still holding on.
THE DOCTOR: Well, come over here and hold onto this, then.
(She walks over.)
THE DOCTOR: Now, whatever you do don't let go because we're in for a very rough ride.

SKAGRA: A foolish attempt Doctor. The force-field is weakening already. In two minutes it will break, and you will have achieved nothing.

THE DOCTOR: And twenty-thirdly, our there in the Space-Time Vortex, time and distance have no meaning, but here in this little, little room we are protect...
ROMANA: Oh, do get on with it, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Romana?
ROMANA: Yes, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: I want you to turn off the vortex shields in this small area here. Come on, you can do it, I showed you how to do it. Just one little bit of timelessness and spacelessness. Over there behind the tea trolley.
(Controls pressed. Clink of cups.)
THE DOCTOR: I said behind the tea trolley, not in the middle of it.
ROMANA: I'm sorry, but it's very, very difficult.
THE DOCTOR: Focus it. Just one steady line, just one. Steady.
(Whirring sound.)
THE DOCTOR: Hold it. Hold it.
ROMANA: I'm trying, Doctor, I'm trying!
THE DOCTOR: Right, the next bit is a little trick I learned from a Space-Time mystic in the Quantocks. He made it look very, very easy. Here goes. Goodbye!
(His last word echoes.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: He did it!
ROMANA: Clare, hold that switch down!

SKAGRA: Hmm. Commander ... Hmph! ... You have to admire his resourcefulness.
KRARG COMMANDER: I do not understand.
SKAGRA: No, of course you don't, how could you? Ah. He's using the force-field created by these two TARDISes, trying to move through the same part of the Space-Time Vortex to create a tunnel between the two craft. Amazingly ingenious, and amazingly stupid. The field is fading fast. This is a futile exercise, Doctor.

(ROMANA groans with effort.)
ROMANA: It won't hold out much longer. It's fading even faster than the Doctor said it would. K9, come here. Check out the sub-neutron circuits.
(K9's probe extending.)
K9: Detect circuit malfunction, Mistress. Impossible to effect repairs in time available, Mistress.
ROMANA: Well, hold it, K9. Stop it deteriorating.
K9: Impossible to stop it, Mistress. I can only slow down circuit deterioration.
ROMANA: The Doctor needs every second we can give him.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: This switch is getting very hot.
ROMANA: You must hold it down.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: I can't. It's getting hotter.
ROMANA: Try! The Doctor's force-field will lose cohesion, and he'll be sucked into the vortex if you don't.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: It's burning me.
ROMANA: Hold it down with a pencil.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: I haven't got one.
ROMANA: There's one on the ... Oh, I can't reach it!
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Oh, I'll get it.
(Walking off.)
ROMANA: No!
(Bang. ROMANA and CLARE KEIGHTLEY cry out. K9 coughs.)
K9: This TARDIS is broken.

(Juddering sound. SKAGRA muttering, struggling to speak)
SKAGRA: I can't ... Human, help me ... concentrate on my thoughts ... Ah, that's it, that's it. We must keep this machine under ... control!
KRARGS:/CHRIS PARSONS: Under control.
(SKAGRA groans with effort.)
KRARGS:/CHRIS PARSONS: Control. Control. Control.
(The noise calms down.)
SKAGRA: Ah! Yes. Ah, good! Oh ... we make an excellent team. A concert of the mind. Ah! And soon, an infinite concert. Now that the Doctor has finished wasting time with his foolish tricks, we can continue.
(Console bleeps.)
SKAGRA: Mm. We will shortly materialise in the carrier ship.

(Humming of control room.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: What about the Doctor?
ROMANA: I don't know. It was a very dangerous idea trying to make that crossing, and he didn't get as much time as he wanted. I just don't know.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: What should we do?
ROMANA: Well, we'll ... just go ahead as planned.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Do you think the Doctor will be all right?
(K9's antennae whirring.)
K9: Likelihood of Doctor-Master's survival after the force-field's collapsed - zero point four seven per cent.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Romana?
ROMANA: We'll just go ahead as planned.

(Travelling through a vortex, voice echoing, landing with a crash.)
THE DOCTOR: Excellent. My workshop. I wonder what odds K9 would offer on such a convenient arrival?
(Walking, rummaging through tin and other containers.)
THE DOCTOR: I'll need that. Good, good ... That's good. Ah-ha! This is perfect. Ah yes.
(Putting something on.)
THE DOCTOR: It's a good fit. Almost. Must have had a bigger head back then. Now, if I can't get this bit to work, I might as well say goodbye to the whole idea.
(Sonic screwdriver, regular bleeps of device.)
THE DOCTOR: Excellent. Now, if I attach it to the helmet, here...
(Bleeps stop.)
THE DOCTOR: Of course. Zinc and lead oxide. Ah! Gotcha.

(K9's probe retracts.)
K9: Repairs completed, Mistress.
ROMANA: Let me see.
(Walking over.)
ROMANA: Oh, good boy, K9. Now, Clare?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Yes?
ROMANA: I dread to think what we're walking into if ... Let's just do it.

(TARDIS interior humming. Door opened.)
THE DOCTOR: Excellent, excellent.
(Door closed.)
THE DOCTOR: Well, with that on my head it won't matter whether it works or not, They'll all be paralysed laughing at me. Now, control room, control room ... this way.
(Walking off. TARDIS materialisation.)
THE DOCTOR: Hello, we're materialising. Hah! You can tell the real pilot isn't at the controls. By the way - sorry, old girl. Sorry I had to barge in through the back door like that. Have you any idea what it's like to travel through the Space-Time vortex? Well, of course you have, you do it all the time. But at least you're built for it. Now, he's obviously got to wherever it is he's going, so let's see what's happening outside, shall we?
(Walking forwards.)

(KRARG growling.)
SKAGRA: Are the ships ready?
KRARG COMMANDER: They are, my Lord.
SKAGRA: Then you go and start up the vats. We need more troopers.
KRARG COMMANDER: Yes, my Lord.
(Krarg walking off.)
SKAGRA: From this moment, I mark the beginning of the new life, the new Universe.
(TARDIS materialisation.)
SKAGRA: These people are like an itching flea on my skin. We will eliminate them once and for all. Out you come, everyone, Out you come.
(Door opens.)
K9: Hostile force, my Master commands that you cease your activities immediately and surrender to him.
SKAGRA: Hah! He sends his dog out to me? Stop hiding in there, Doctor. Come out and meet your fate.
(Walking out.)
ROMANA: The Doctor isn't here, Skagra, just us.
(Door opened.)
THE DOCTOR: Did someone call?
SKAGRA: Doctor! I ... I thought you came with your dog in that. How did you manage to get into your TARDIS?
THE DOCTOR: What do you mean, how did I manage to get into my TARDIS? It's mine. I belong in there.
SKAGRA: As of now Doctor, you don't belong anywhere at all. There is no place for you in my new Universe. You shall die now.
THE DOCTOR: Well Skagra, this is a very interesting little theory. Shall we try putting it to the test? Now, if I activate my little crash helmet like this...
(Bleeps.)
THE DOCTOR: And I tell myself to look at you...
(Growling from KRARGS.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh look. All your Krargs do too.
SKAGRA: What ... (stammering) Doctor! What - what have you done?
(Struggling to speak.)
SKAGRA: What ... have ... have you done?
THE DOCTOR: I've built a helmet that not only protects me from your little Sphere there, but reflects brain-waves back as well.
SKAGRA: Reflects? But that means...
THE DOCTOR: That's right. I can control them just as you can. It's down to sheer willpower now, Skagra, just you versus me.
SKAGRA: You think you can defeat me? Krargs!
THE DOCTOR: Oh, terribly good. You've got at least three of them back under your control. I'm impressed. K9, are you impressed?
K9: Negative, Master.
THE DOCTOR: Awfully hard to impress K9. Shall we try again?
(SKAGRA groans with effort.)
THE DOCTOR: Mine ... again I think, Skagra. You've used your deranged billiard ball once too often. You forgot. I have a mind in there too, haven't I?
SKAGRA: Sphere...?
(Sphere rises.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh no, not this time. I'll take that, thank you. Romana?
ROMANA: Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Catch.
(Sphere thrown.)
THE DOCTOR: Come on, Skagra. Don't you want your ball back? Or are you straining too hard to keep control over your Krargs and poor Chris there?
SKAGRA: Doctor, I will kill you just by thinking about it...
THE DOCTOR: Not too hard, old chap. You might strain yourself. Now, what was this you've been talking about - a new Universe? A new single mind? I think your little bunch are in two minds about that already, aren't they?
(KRARGS growl.)
SKAGRA: Krargs! No!
(KRARGS growl, sonic screwdriver operates, then one after the other, they explode, crashing of stones. Growl of KRARG, then explosion of stones. CHRIS PARSONS gasps as he recovers.)
ROMANA: Chris.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Chris. Are you all right?
CHRIS PARSONS: Clare? Clare.
(CHRIS PARSONS sighs as he falls.)
SKAGRA: Commander, to me, now.
KRARG COMMANDER: My Lord.
(Krarg walking.)
THE DOCTOR: K9?
K9: Master?
THE DOCTOR: Fire.
K9: But Master, you instructions were for me not...
THE DOCTOR: Fire, and keep on firing. Hest it right up.
(K9 laser gun firing, KRARG COMMANDER growls.)
THE DOCTOR: A little warm for the time of year wouldn't you say Skagra? Off, K9.
(Laser gun stops.)
KRARG COMMANDER: Too much power. Too much heat. Must escape.
SKAGRA: Commander, back! Back, I say!
ROMANA: K9, fire again. Drive it towards the vat areas.
(K9 blaster fires, KRARG COMMANDER growls in pain, falling into vat, bubbling. Explosion of water.)
SKAGRA: No. You'll pay for this, Doctor. I'll be back to get you.
(Rushing off.)
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: He's getting away.
THE DOCTOR: Let him, let him go. We have to find the Professor's body, back on Shada. Romana, you take the Professor's TARDIS, I'll take mine.
(Door opened.)
THE DOCTOR: Oh, and - well done, chaps. Well done.
ROMANA: Oh no, well done, Doctor.

(Humming as automatic door opens.)
SKAGRA: Ship, take off instantly. Instantly, do you hear?
(Echoing sound as he is lifted away.)

(Echoing sound as he is dropped somewhere else.)
SKAGRA: Ship, you've transmatted me to the brig. What are you doing? Let me out of here. I am your Lord Skagra. Let me out.
THE SHIP: I am very much afraid I can no longer accept your orders.
SKAGRA: What?
THE SHIP: You are an enemy of my Lord, The Doctor.
SKAGRA: I am your Lord. I built you. Release me, I command you, and launch instantly!
THE SHIP: Do you know the Doctor well? He is a wonderful, wonderful man.
(SKAGRA gasps, aghast.)
THE SHIP: He has done the most extraordinary things to my circuitry.
SKAGRA: Release me!
THE SHIP: Truly wonderful.
SKAGRA: Silence! You will release me!
THE SHIP: If you like, I will tell you all about him.
SKAGRA: Let me out! Let me out!
THE SHIP: Perhaps I should start at the very beginning. The Doctor is a Time Lord...
SKAGRA: No!
THE SHIP: ... from the planet...
SKAGRA: No!
THE SHIP: ... Gallifrey...
SKAGRA: No, no!
THE SHIP: ... in the constellation of...
SKAGRA: No!
THE SHIP: ... Kasterborous.
(SKAGRA's scream echoes.)

CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Will Chris be all right?
ROMANA: I think so. He's sleeping peacefully in the Professor's TARDIS. Why not pop back and look after him?
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Thanks. I will.
(Walking.)
ROMANA: Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Over here. I've found the Professor.
ROMANA: How is he?
THE DOCTOR: Still in a coma. Be a while before he gets his mind back.
ROMANA: What'll you do with him then?
THE DOCTOR: Well, leave him here on Shada, of course.
ROMANA: What, put him back in a forgotten prison?
THE DOCTOR: Let the Time Lords sort it out. I'm not going to play judge and jury. It was only forgotten about because Salyavin made us forget. He didn't want his escape to be discovered. That must be why he stole the book when he left Gallifrey.
ROMANA: Don't forget, he contacted you . He knew he was nearing the end of his lives. Seems harsh to put him in prison when he clearly wanted to make amends. He's an old man, Doctor, and an old friend.
THE DOCTOR: Well, you're President of the High Council, Romana. If we take him back to Cambridge, that's your decision.
ROMANA: That is my decision, Doctor. We'll take him back to Earth.
THE DOCTOR: Good. As I said before, a wise President knows when to see the bigger picture.
ROMANA: I knew you were going to say that. You are so predictable.
THE DOCTOR: Me, predictable? Perish the thought. Let's get Chronotis home, eh? And Chris and Clare too. Ah, Clare. You know, I have this horrible feeling she's going to ask me about her bicycle?

(Walking outside.)
POLICE CONSTABLE: Stolen a room?
WILKIN: That is the only way I can describe it, Constable.
POLICE CONSTABLE: Well, you see sir, in my experience people don't usually steal rooms very much. They may steal from rooms, but steal the rooms themselves? Very rarely. In fact I think, uh ... never is probably the word I'm looking for here sir, I mean, where's the advantage in it? Not much of a black market in rooms, is there? Wouldn't get much for it.
(Door opened to inside. Slightly-echoed voices like being inside a hall.)
WILKIN: I know it's very difficult to understand. It's also very easy to be sarcastic.
(Door closed.)
POLICE CONSTABLE: Sarcastic, sir? I don't know the word. Now, why don't you run over the salient points again?
WILKIN: Well, I got to the door of the room and I opened it, and beyond it, there was ... nothing.
POLICE CONSTABLE: Absolutely nothing at all, sir?
WILKIN: Absolutely nothing at all ... Well, nothing except for some sort of blue haze.
POLICE CONSTABLE: Ah! Well, the blue haze, you see, sir, might be the vital clue we're searching for.
WILKIN: And I was not drinking. Now ... now, look here.
POLICE CONSTABLE: So, this is the famous door, is it sir? Hmph! Taken a bit of a beating, by the look of it, sir. Students, perhaps?
WILKIN: Yes, probably.
POLICE CONSTABLE: And it was behind this door here that you saw your ... blue haze.
WILKIN: Yes.
(Knocks. ROMANA answers as though from inside)
ROMANA: Come in.
POLICE CONSTABLE: Well, whoever took it, sir, seems to have brought it back, don't they?
(Door opens with a creak.)

(THE DOCTOR is finishing a sentence.)
THE DOCTOR: ... the best way to see in the New Year.
(Door closed. Walking in.)
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Hello? Can I help you?
POLICE CONSTABLE: Routine inquiry, sir. Report that this room had been stolen.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Stolen? I don't think so.
CLARE KEIGHTLEY: My bicycle appears to have been stolen, though, Constable. It has a nice clear basket...
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh Claire, don't start on that again ... Ow!
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Here you are, Young Parsons. Cup of tea and some aspirin.
CHRIS PARSONS: Oh, thank you, Professor.
POLICE CONSTABLE: Aspirin, sir?
CHRIS PARSONS: Yes, headache.
POLICE CONSTABLE: Bad night last night, sir?
CHRIS PARSONS: Er - yes, you could say that.
POLICE CONSTABLE: A lot of celebrating going on in college, was there, Mr Wilkin? Last night?
WILKIN: Oh ... nothing out of the ordinary.
POLICE CONSTABLE: The ... normal high jinks that would be then sir, would it? Students roaming the streets stealing bollards, policeman's helmets, and ... Well! I'll be ... Might I ask where you got that Police Box, sir?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, it's mine.
POLICE CONSTABLE: Oh really, sir?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, really.
(Walking over.)
THE DOCTOR: Come on Romana. Bye Wilkin.
(Door opened.)
WILKIN: Bye, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Chris, Claire?
CHRIS PARSONS:/CLARE KEIGHTLEY: Bye.
THE DOCTOR: And goodbye, Professor.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Bye, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: We'll keep your secret.
ROMANA: And your book. Goodbye everybody.
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS:/CLARE KEIGHTLEY:/CHRIS PARSONS: Bye.
POLICE CONSTABLE: Secret sir? And what secret would that be?
(TARDIS dematerialisation sound.)
POLICE CONSTABLE: What?!
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: Cup of tea?
POLICE CONSTABLE: Where did that police box just go?
PROFESSOR CHRONOTIS: What police box that would be, Officer?
POLICE CONSTABLE: Right. Right! Coats on, everyone. You're all taking a little walk with me down to the station.

(Dematerialisation sound inside the TARDIS control room.)
ROMANA: How did Skagra manage to find out so much about the Time Lords? Where was he from, K9?
K9: My metabolic analysis reveals he was from the planet Dronid.
THE DOCTOR: Ah, there's your answer. Remember your history? There was a schism in the College of Cardinals. The rival President set up shop on Dronid. They forced him to come back in the end by totally ignoring him.
ROMANA: (chuckles.) And the Professor was the great Salyavin. It seems hard to believe - he's such a nice old man. I wonder if the stories of Salyavin were exaggerated?
THE DOCTOR: More than likely. The Time Lords over-react to everything. Look at the way they treat me . I expect that one day in a few hundred years from now someone will meet me and say, "Is that really the Doctor? How strange. He seems such a nice old man."

(Closing Doctor Who theme tune, arranged by David Arnold.)
ANNOUNCER: Doctor Who - Shada Part Six was written by Douglas Adams and directed by Nicholas Pegg. It starred Paul McGann as The Doctor, Lalla Ward as Romana and John Leeson as K9, and featured James Fox as Professor Chronotis, Andrew Sachs as Skagra, Sean Biggerstaff as Chris Parsons, Susannah Harker as Clare Keightley, Melvyn Hayes as Wilkin, Hannah Gordon as The Ship, Barnaby Edwards as Caldera, Stuart Crossman as the Police Constable, and Nicholas Pegg as the Voice of Thinktank. Executive Producers for the original BBCi version, Martin Trickey and James Goss. The audio adventures of Doctor Who are produced by Jason Haigh-Ellery and Gary Russell for Big Finish Productions.