(After the beach is closed to visitors, because it is so quiet. We hear the
sound of getting in through the chainlink fence, then running, and another person giggling.)
Man: No. No! Go away!
(He bumps into another man.)
Kevin: All right, mate? You gave me a scare there. What's happened to you? You look in a right state.
Man: It's after me. Get out of my way! It's coming.
Kevin: Hang on, mate. I can help.
Man: No! No! Please. Argh!
Kevin: Oh, my God.
(Circus type music from the Pleasure Beach playing in the distance.)
Doctor: Oh, what a view.
Peri: Doesn't look so special to me, Doctor. Did we have to come all
the way up this rusty old tower just to see that? You know I'm not good
Doctor: You can't come to Blackpool, Peri, and not go up Blackpool
Peri: If you say so.
Doctor: Ah! Brr. There's nowhere else like it. Well, nowhere in this
galaxy, anyway. They're trying to build one out on the rim of Crab
Nebula, but the design concept's all wrong. They're trying to build it
for a purpose. Huh!
Peri: What's wrong with that?
Doctor: Well, everything. You can't build a place like this for a mere
purpose. Oh, don't talk to me of fluid lines provoked by the ergonomic
Peri: All right, I won't.
Doctor: Or the strict adherance to the symbolic form. Classical use of
Peri: I promise. I won't talk about anything like that.
Doctor: Designer's gobbledy-gook. Architect's flim-flam.
Peri: I quite agree. I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking
Doctor: No, you'll never win that argument. Not here. This is
perfection. This is genius. This is classic frivolity.
Peri: It's okay, I suppose. If you like that sort of thing.
Doctor: Okay? Okay? I'll show you okay. Come on. We haven't a moment to
Peri: Where to now?
Doctor: You're going to enjoy yourself if it kills you.
[Police Interview Room]
Inspector: Mister Kevin Stoney?
(There is a character called Truscott on the cast list. Might be him, might not. Can't tell.)
Kevin: Yeah. I've been waiting ages.
Inspector: Sit down, lad. Didn't take much finding, did this, lad. Right
of the pile. You're quite a regular visitor to our humble
establishment, aren't you?
Kevin: Not by choice.
Inspector: Oh, they all say that, lad. I'm surprised we haven't met
Kevin: I've asked often enough.
Inspector: Someone in authority, I believe you stipulated.
Kevin: That's right.
Inspector: Well, will I do? I mean, I'm only a lowly Inspector. You
Chief Inspector, Superintendent, Chief Superintendent
Kevin: You'll do.
Inspector: Chief Constable's not got much on today. Shall I er?
Kevin: No. It's all right.
Inspector: Hmm. Your statement of this morning. Relating to events of
night in the amusement park. Truthful statement, is it?
Inspector: Just a simple statement of the facts?
Kevin: That's right.
Inspector: The figure was glowing red with some green or blue at the
About seven feet tall, and heavily built. The red colour seemed to
pulsate, giving the impression that the figure was increasing then
decreasing in size. It had no eyes, no ears, nothing I could describe
as a face. I'll be honest with you, lad. We've blundered.
Inspector: At this point, the sergeant who took your statement should
determined if there were any distinguishing marks.
Kevin: Oh. Ha, ha.
Inspector: Oh, I'm sure you'll excuse the oversight, but we shouldn't
trouble finding chummy in a crowd, should we?
Kevin: No trouble at all. Even you lot.
Inspector: The figure of a Chinese Mandarin appearing and disappearing
thin air, strange lights appearing twenty feet off the ground, strange
light appearing at ground level. So there was nothing unusual about
last night, then. I mean, it was pretty much like any other night you
find yourself in the amusement park on your way home from a party.
Kevin: Aye, there was something different last night.
Inspector: Oh, aye?
Kevin: Last night the Mandarin weren't there.
Inspector: No Mandarin.
Kevin: That's right. All the other times, the Mandarin was there.
Inspector: Right, lad. Why don't you just tell me all about this
(Maniacal laughter from a Chinese clown automaton.)
Peri: Is that laughter supposed to be jolly?
Doctor: Hmm? Depends on your sense of humour, I suppose.
Peri: What are you looking for?
Doctor: Oh, nothing. He just reminds me of someone I once knew. Or
rather, something. Nasty little pet of a fellow called Magnus Greel. Oh
well, that was about a hundred years ago.
Peri: It's gonna be a very old pet now.
Doctor: Yes, that was the idea, rather. Oh, this is no place for gloomy
thoughts, hmm? Onwards.
Peri: Grr. Yes, Doctor.
Toymaker: Now, where are you?
(He tunes in to the right frequency.)
Doctor [OC]: Edible? You can't be serious.
Peri [OC]: Sure it is. It's candyfloss. Go on, try it.
Toymaker: There you are. It's so good to see you, Doctor. I have been
waiting for you for such a very, very long time.
(The Doctor tries his spun sugar.)
Doctor: Mmm. Astonishing. The triumph of volume over mass taken to its
logical conclusion. Where did you say you found it?
Peri: In the booth over there.
Doctor: No, no, no. The five pound note you used to pay for it.
Peri: In a sporran in the Tardis cloakroom. I nearly brought that as
well, but it wouldn't go with this outfit.
Doctor: Good heavens. It must be Jamie's. He was always so careful with
Peri: He won't mind, will he?
Doctor: I'm sure he did. Will. Does. Oh, I don't know. This is an
emergency, isn't it? Where else can I go in the universe to have a bit
of innocent fun, I ask you?
Peri: Well, there's always
Doctor: Too dull.
Peri: Atlantic City?
Doctor: Totally uninspired.
Doctor: Oh, in a hundred years or so. Give it time to settle. No, this is the
place for a holiday. I could never understand all those sea and sand
places you were talking about. Taking a bath in sodium chloride and
then wallowing on a bed of mica crystals? Extraordinary way to behave.
Add to that long-term exposure to ultra-violet, and you go a long way
towards explaining the basic irrationality of the human race.
Peri: You talk as though you wanted to come here.
Doctor: Well, I did. Once I was here.
Peri: Your attitude towards self-determination could be called
Doctor: Is there any other sort of self-determination, hmm? It was a
malfunction, that's all.
Peri: That's all? We get yanked half way across the Milky Way and
Doctor: I promised you a real holiday and here we are. I thought you'd
Peri: I do. But this is not the centre of the universe, is it?
Doctor: Well, it's close.
Peri: A space time vortex, you said.
Peri: So strong it could only be at the centre of the danger zone, you
Doctor: It had all the appearances.
Peri: The nexus of the primeval cauldron of space time itself, were the
exact words you used.
Doctor: That's a very apt turn of phrase.
Peri: For this?
Doctor: Perhaps just a little florid.
[Police interview room]
Inspector: And my
collegues in the uniformed branch tell me they've organised almost
twenty additional foot patrols over the past three months on the basis
of your information. Now that's a hell of a lot of police time, lad,
and they found precisely nothing.
Kevin: There was nothing going on the nights your coppers were out.
Inspector: Not even once, no. No flashing lights, no mandarins, no red
giants. They're a clever lot, aren't they? You were warned off making
more reports of sighting your brother at that fair. We are not a
missing persons bureau. Your brother's over sixteen and he's committed
no crime that we're aware of. You will stop wasting police time.
Kevin: But I just want
Inspector: And if you find yourself in that park one more time, on your
way home from a party, I shall view it very seriously indeed. So
seriously that I might forget my professional detachment and personally
throw the flaming book at you! Do I make myself clear?
Kevin: Can I go now?
Inspector: Aye. You can go. I hope you find your brother, son. And if
you do, that's next and last time I ever want to see you. All right?
Kevin: All right, aye.
Inspector: But lad.
Inspector: You spot any more red giants, you send them along to Preston
North End. They could do with all the help they can get.
(A knock on the door.)
Stefan: My lord?
Toymaker: Ah, Stefan. What news do you bring me?
Stefan: The spacecraft is like no other we have seen. In truth, it
seems hardly a spacecraft at all. But there is nothing else at the
coordinates you gave us. I could detect no propulsion units, and no
aerofoils, and no means of access. I have set the barrier around it as
you instructed. Of the occupants there is no sign.
Toymaker: We have them, I believe, Stefan. The biodata will soon
confirm his identity beyond any shadow of a doubt. See, Stefan? Here
Doctor [OC]: They didn't have candyfloss in Brighton.
Peri [OC]: It wasn't invented then. I thought you knew all about Earth
Doctor: You spoke?
Peri: No, I didn't.
Doctor: Oh. Excellent.
Doctor: We're off. Ha, ha, ha!
(An ancient retainer, by the slightly shaky voice.)
Stefan: Shouldn't you be looking after dinner?
Shardlow: I was just preparing the guest room, sir.
Stefan: We have other guests, Shardlow. I imagine they're getting hungry.
Shardlow: Yes, sir.
Stefan: And hurry, man! You know how jealous our lord is of his reputation
Shardlow: Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.
(The car is cranked upwards, then released. Peri
Peri: Oh, that was, that was fun! I really enjoyed that. Oh, oh, Doctor.
Doctor: Oh, oh.
Peri: Doctor, are you all right?
Doctor: Ah, ooo, oh. (etc) I have never, in any of my lives. I left at least
one of my hearts at the bottom of that first dip. I have shot through
black holes, I have sailed through supernovas, but never, never
Peri [OC]: I really enjoyed it.
Doctor [OC]: Enjoyed it? Enjoyed it? It was magnificent!
Peri [OC]: Shall we go round again?
Doctor [OC]: We will, in a while. Yes, in time we will. Yes.
(Stefan tears off a printout.)
Stefan: The Doctor's biodata, my lord.
Toymaker: Thank you, Stefan.
Stefan: Two hearts, lord? Perhaps the equipment
Toymaker: If there were only one, Stefan, then I should be sadly
disappointed. Match them now. DNA and RNA profiles.
(The computer beeps.)
Toymaker: Ah. Heh, heh. A little older,
probably no wiser, but certainly the same Time Lord. It's good to see
you again, Doctor.
Doctor: You did it again.
Peri: Did what?
Doctor: Called my name.
Peri: I did no such thing.
Toymaker [OC]: Doctor?
Doctor: What? Who is it?
Peri: Are you all right? Did the ride spin your head too much?
Doctor: It's a man's voice. Stupid of me. It's clearer now.
Peri: What man?
(A Scottish woman is reporting her missing son to a
Liverpudlian security guard.)
Woman: His name is Tyrone. He was right by me. I'd just gone up to get
some more change from yon Jimmy up there, and when I turned around,
SECURITY: Look, love. We get all kinds of kids in here. If they're
under sixteen and unaccompanied, out they go. He could have said he was
with his mum, couldn't he?
Woman: He wouldna go just wandering. He's daft, but he's no that daft.
Doctor: There's something wrong here.
Peri: What? That poor lady's lost her child, that's what's wrong.
Doctor: No, something else. The whole place, the whole feel of it.
Peri: You turning psychic or something?
Doctor: Psychic? You don't turn psychic. You are or you aren't.
Unfortunately, I'm not. Not much, anyway.
(The errant child turns up.)
Woman: Tyrone, where have you been? I've been going out of my mind.
What with toffee apples, that and the fizzy drinks in this place. Da'll
be that mad when I get you hame. I'm that sorry, mister. He's all right
now. Aren't you, Tyrone?
Peri: That's all right, then.
Toymaker [OC]: Doctor?
Doctor: You didn't hear that?
Peri: Hear what?
Doctor: Someone calling my name.
Peri: No. Nothing.
Doctor: Right. Not a loudspeaker, then. A psibroadcast? No, impossibly
narrow band. Old fashioned telepathy, then. But so clear, so direct, so
Toymaker [OC]: Doctor.
Doctor: Right. Come on.
Toymaker: (chuckles) This is almost too easy. Time has done
nothing to sharpen his wits, after all.
Stefan: You know him, lord?
Toymaker: Oh yes, Stefan. The Doctor and I are old friends.
Stefan: I shall prepare to greet him, lord.
Toymaker: Do that, Stefan. Make everything ready. I have waited
centuries for this.
[Galactic Adventure queue]
(Based on the Space Invaders enclosed ride opened
by Colin Baker in 1984, since removed from Blackpool Pleasure Beach. We
hear the countdown and a bad electronic version of Also Sprach
Tannoy: Five, four, three, two, one. Lift off.
Peri: Galactic Adventure. Hmm. Not sure I like the sound of this one.
Can't we go on the Ghost Train instead?
Peri: What's wrong? Can you still hear it?
Doctor: Not now.
Peri: What sort of voice is it?
Doctor: Siren song. Maybe I should lash myself to the mast?
Peri: Where does it come from, this, this voice?
Doctor: That's what I'm trying to discover.
Peri: But where? I mean, where exactly was the last call from?
Doctor: About where we're standing, I'd say.
Peri: Galactic Adventure?
Doctor: See anything?
Peri: I'm not looking that hard.
Doctor: Then you presumably have failed to notice your admirer.
Doctor: Shush. Don't look. Young man, dark hair, standing by the ticket
Doctor: I said, don't look! He's been with us since the amusement
arcade. Seemed to take quite an interest in our conversation.
Peri: What should we do?
Doctor: He looks harmless. Keep an eye on him, though. He's followed us
this far and I suspect he'll join us on the ride. Right, time to take a
trip on Galactic Adventure. Two, please.
[Galactic Adventure ride]
Attendant: Next two.
Doctor: We're close, I can feel it.
Toymaker [OC]: Doctor.
Doctor: You heard it this time.
Attendant: Okay, next couple. Come on, lad. You and your girl friend.
Peri: No, we're not together. I'm with
Doctor: That's okay, Peri. That's our shadow. Stick with him. I'll be
sitting right behind you.
Peri: Okay, if you say so.
(Peri and the boy get into a carriage.)
Attendant: Right, let that one go.
Doctor: No, wait. There's still room in that carriage. I could
Attendant: Don't you worry, sir. We've got a very special carriage for
Doctor: Don't worry, Peri. I'll see you at the other end.
Attendant: Here you are, sir. One to yourself.
Doctor: Oh, er, thank you.
Attendant: Have a good trip. Bwahahahaha.
(And off he goes into the dark. The sound of laser and other pseudo sci-fi sounds.)
Doctor: Don't worry, Peri. I'm right behind you. At least, I think I
(The Doctor screams.)
Stefan: Like pieces on a board, my lord, you plot
their every move exactly.
Toymaker: Their predictability makes for a dull game, I fear. But then
they still don't know they're playing, do they?
Stefan: What instructions shall I give on the girl, lord?
Toymaker: We must wait, mustn't we? She'll make her way to us soon,
with that tiresome young man in attendance.
Doctor: Efficient though any service area might be,
I do think you ought to consider
improving your braking system once you branch the line. I very nearly
flew over the handlebars, you know.
Man: Just keep moving.
Doctor: And that's another thing. Those safety bars have got rather
nasty little bumps on the top. The same on that wonderful
roller-coaster thing? Now, they might well enhance the design
Man: Oh, move!
Doctor: Did I ever tell you about my design theory? It mainly concerns
the fluid lines provoked by the ergonomic imperatives.
[Outside Galactic Adventure]
Peri: The Doctor was in the car right behind me.
People don't just disappear.
Attendant: That's what I've been telling you, lass. There's no way
anyone could get off this ride once it's begun until they get back to
the platform here. You'd best have a word with security.
Kevin: I think we'd better go to the police.
Attendant: Who the hell are you?
Kevin: A friend, that's all.
Peri: Snoop, more like.
Kevin: If you won't take this seriously, we'll find someone who will.
Attendant: Look, lass. You go and talk to the security department.
They've got the authority. Through that door there and second on the
Kevin: Come on. I'll go with you.
[Pleasure beach corridor]
Peri: Why were you following us? And who are you,
Kevin: I'm Kevin. I was just
Man 2: You're a right pain in the neck, that's what you are.
(A gun is cocked. Peri gasps.)
Man 2: We'd better take you somewhere and have your little complaint dealt with,
Doctor: Ooo, I say. This is a far more impressive
arcade. How much is it to go on these?
Man: Keep your hands to yourself.
Stefan: Take him to his quarters. Our lord is not yet ready to receive him.
Doctor: Your lord? That's either very religious or very subservient. And you don't look like the religious type.
Stefan: Get him out of here.
Doctor: Hey, steady on. No offence meant.
Kevin: They were obviously behind the whole thing.
If it's this well organised, no wonder the police didn't find anything.
Peri: I think we'll do better than that. Though what we're going to do
with what we do find when we eventually:
Man: Cut the cackle and get a move on.
(The door is unlocked.)
(The Doctor is pushed in.)
Doctor: Oh! Ow. Can't you just say please?
(The door is slammed shut and locked.)
Doctor: Prison cells. They're all the same. Made to keep little minds
out and big minds quite definitely in.
Peri: It's no good. I can't breathe.
Kevin: Are you all right?
Man 2: What's up? Keep back.
(Peri attacks him.)
Peri: Kevin, get the gun!
(Rapid machine gun fire.)
Man 2: Put that down. Put that down!
Peri: What are you doing?
Kevin: I can't control it!
Peri: Don't shoot me, you idiot.
(The gunfire stops.)
Peri: Kevin, come on. Run for it. Run!
Man 2: Hey, get back here.
(Further on, they stop to catch their breath.)
Peri: Are you all right? You're bleeding.
Kevin: Yeah. It must have been a ricochet. It just nicked me. I've
never been shot at before, even by myself.
Peri: Have you ever shot at someone else before?
Peri: I didn't think so.
Kevin: Hey, I did fine first time out.
Peri: You nearly shot everyone in sight first time out.
Kevin: Don't knock it, it worked.
Peri: It did that. You want me to look at your arm?
Kevin: No, it's all right, really. Where is he?
Peri: Thinking twice about coming round that bend. So would I.
Kevin: You can bet he'll be back, and he won't come on his own next
time. We'd better get on.
Peri: Down the tunnel?
Kevin: Not much choice, is there? Come on.
(The Doctor is humming to himself whilst
searching for the hidden CCTV camera.)
Doctor: Ah ha. There you are. Yeah, I knew you'd be watching from somewhere.
Well, don't hurry on my account. Just let me know what you want, when
you're ready. If I expire of boredom before that, I hope you take it
Peri: Ah, a T junction. Which way now?
Toss a coin?
Kevin: Or take the third option.
Peri: What do you mean? You're not thinking of stopping and fighting it
out, are you?
Kevin: Don't be daft. I wouldn't know what to do with this thing.
Peri: There are quicker and easier ways of becoming a colander.
Kevin: I reckon we must be under that arcade by now. We've got a good
idea what's waiting for us at the end of either of those tunnels, and
back there, so why not take a chance through here?
(He raps on an old door.)
Peri: I can think of a hundred good reasons. It doesn't look like it's
been opened for years. It's probably rusted shut. Ah, wrong again, Peri.
(The door opens easily.)
Kevin: After you, Peri.
(The Doctor hears a growling sound through
Doctor: Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? I'm in the cell next to you.
(There is a series of taps on a pipe. Di di, di di, di di da da.)
Doctor: Ah ha! Communication. Now, where are we? Ask not for whom the
pipe clangs. Here we are. Ah ha.
(He replies with da da da di di.)
(Di di di. No reply.)
Doctor: Not the Abbé Faria, then. Right, let's have another go.
[Gold Mine ride]
Peri: Where are we now? I can barely see anything.
Kevin: Not sure. Still somewhere in the amusement park, I think.
Peri: Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Kevin: Better than being shot at.
(Noises make them jump.)
Kevin: What is it?
Peri: There's someone there, watching us.
Kevin: The lights.
Peri: He's not real. It's just a dummy. A mechanical dummy.
Kevin: It's the Gold Mine ride. We're right in the middle of the Gold
Peri: Well, which way now?
Kevin: Why not ask the old-timer?
Peri: (cockney) 'Scuse me, mate. Where's the nearest police station? I
might have know. Follow the yellow brick road.
Kevin: Come on, then. Can't be far, and at least we can see where we're
(The tapping continues. Finally, he gets a
Doctor: Ah, at last. Now, three blind mice. Three blind mice. See how
they run. See how they run.
(He taps to the rhythm of the song, and gets a flurry of bangs back.)
Doctor: Oh, just my luck. Banged up with a fellow prisoner who doesn't
even know Three Blind Mice.
[Gold Mine ride]
Kevin: And everything seemed to be
happening near the Penny Arcade. The lights, the mandarin, that red
thing. And Geoff, the time I spotted him, he was with this fellow
dressed all in black. Just my idea of a mafia hit man. That was outside
the arcade. And that's where he vanished, too. It all leads back to
Peri: Well, this doesn't lead back to the arcade. And the Doctor didn't
vanish in the arcade. And we didn't get shot at in the arcade. Say, how
come they switched this thing on just when we walked into it?
Kevin: Ah, come on. I'm supposed to be the paranoid one, remember?
Peri: I'm always paranoid when people are hunting me.
Kevin: They didn't switch it on when we came in. It just got switched
on, that all.
Peri: Oh, come on. I just want to get out amongst the nice friendly
crowd into the nearest police station before someone decided to switch
if all off again. What was that?
Doctor: Oh. Oh, we're getting nowhere. If we
could just find some common ground? Ah! Well, my friend, I wonder what
interrupted your transmission?
[Gold Mine ride]
Kevin: What's the matter?
Peri: Shush. That sound.
Kevin: It's just the ride, the workings, whatever.
Peri: No. Something's following us. Listen.
(Regular mechanical sounds, like hydraulic pistons.)
Peri: They're ahead of us as well. We're surrounded.
Kevin: Come on, you're spooking me now.
Peri: We'd better keep moving. You still got the gun?
Peri: Good. I think we might need it.
(There is an electical buzzing sound.)
Toymaker: Greetings, Doctor.
Doctor: You? The Toymaker?
Toymaker: I'm gratified that you still remember me.
Doctor: Oh, wouldn't opening the door have been easier than magicking
the whole wall away with one of your parlour tricks?
(The Doctor gets zapped.)
Toymaker: As you've just discovered, Doctor, the wall is still very
much there. I have merely rendered it invisible. Forgive these tedious
formalities, but I feared your impetuous nature might bring us both to
regretable harm without some form of restraint.
Doctor: Brevity is the soul of wit.
Toymaker: So I believe. But I've been waiting so long for this meeting.
I've had plenty of time to make up five words where one would do.
Doctor: And this is another of your absurd games, is it?
Toymaker: No. Not absurd. I do have plenty of those, but this one is in
deadly earnest. I should have liked to invite your charming companion
to join us in the same fashion as yourself, but I was relying on Miss
Peri to collect a young gentleman on her way in. Which I am delighted
to say she has done, in her own fashion.
Doctor: If you've harmed her
Toymaker: What, Doctor?
Doctor: Then you and I shall fall out.
Toymaker: I assure you, my dear Doctor, that she is in perfect health.
As is the young man. Over the past few weeks I have tried several
inducements to persuade him to accept my hospitality, but nothing would
tempt him until Miss Peri came along. They'll make a very good team.
Doctor: Oh, stop this nonsense, Toymaker. They're not interested in
playing any of your games, and neither am I.
Toymaker: But you haven't even started yet. And how could you, with no
one to play with.
Doctor: And who is to be my opponent, hmm? You, I suppose.
Toymaker: Why no, Doctor. Your neighbour, with whom you've been so
eagerly attempting to communicate. Let me introduce you.
(The wall between the two cells disappears.)
Doctor: Oh! Oh, dear. What a big claw you have.
Toymaker: Hee, hee, hee, hee. Winner takes all, Doctor.
(The Toymaker vanishes.)
Doctor: Wait! No, no, no. There's no need for this. I'm not your enemy.
Wait, wait, wait. Just a moment.
(The Doctor hammers on the pipe. The creature replies.)
Doctor: That's it. Remember me now, don't you? Oh, you can talk your
way out of anything.
(The Toymaker chuckles.)
Stefan: You are not displeased by the Doctor's actions, lord?
Toymaker: Quite the reverse, Stefan. For one dreadful moment, I thought
he was going to lose at the very beginning, and that wouldn't do, would
it? Bring him to me after you've secured the mechanic.
Stefan: Yes, lord.
[Gold Mine ride]
Peri: Doesn't this damn ride ever end?
Kevin: You certainly get your money's worth.
Peri: Stop a moment. We need to think. There must be a service hatch or something.
Kevin: How do you think we got in here?
Peri: Well then, maybe that's the way to get out.
Kevin: What do you think I've been looking for for the past half a mile.
Peri: Well, we can't just keep ow!
(Rock are thrown at them.)
Kevin: Whoa. Who's throwing them? Where are they coming from?
Peri: It's the miners. The mechanical dummies, they're coming alive! Look out. Argh!
(Kevin is knocked out.)
Peri: Kevin. Kevin. Come on. Kevin. Oh, they're coming. You're too
heavy for me to carry. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
(Peri leaves Kevin behind.)
Kevin: What? Peri? Oh no. No. Get away. Argh!
(A knock on the door, then footsteps enter.)
Stefan: The Doctor, lord.
Toymaker: Thank you, Stefan. And the youth?
Stefan: Being taken to the cells now, lord.
Toymaker: Very well.
Stefan: But the girl.
Toymaker: I am dealing with the girl.
Stefan: Yes, lord.
Toymaker: Oh, don't worry, Doctor. She's quite safe. For the moment.
Doctor: I don't believe you consider safe to be an absolute term.
Toymaker: Everything is relative, is it not?
Doctor: Depends on your standpoint. Or rather, where you're standing.
Stefan: Lord, allow me to instruct this insolent gypsy
Doctor: Does your myrmidon have to be here? I mean, can't you get him
back to his kennel?
Toymaker: Calm yourself, Stefan. The Doctor is playing his own game with
you. But perhaps it would be best if we were left alone to talk. I'll
come to no harm.
Stefan: As you instruct, lord.
Toymaker: I had hoped that listening to a Time Lord's wisdom might
advance dear Stefan's education.
Doctor: You left it a little late for that. And even I need some basic
intelligence to work with.
Toymaker: Well, Stefan's intelligence is very basic indeed.
Doctor: And not a moral scruple in his body. Yes, the prime requisites
for the universal henchman.
Toymaker: Not at all, Doctor. If that were true, I could have half the
human race in my employ. Loyalty and complete obedience. Those are far
Doctor: Oh, nonsense. You can find them in abundance in any penal
colony on any planet anywhere in the universe. A universe, sadly, full
of madmen and their lackies.
Toymaker: Your manners, Doctor, do not appear to have improved with
time. I invite you and your travelling companion here to a few innocent games
Doctor: Oh ho, since when has there ever been anything innocent about your games?
Toymaker: And you do nothing but rail against the qualities of my poor
servants? Hardly the behaviour of a true sportsman.
Doctor: None of your pastimes qualify as sports. And the activities in
the Roman Colosseum were also called games, as I recall.
Toymaker: The similarities had not escaped me.
Doctor: I'm sure they hadn't. Well, I don't like your version any
better than I liked theirs. In fact, I don't like you, Toymaker. And I
don't like the vacuous way you wander through the universe, treating
every intelligent species you meet like counters on a board. Roman
Colosseum. How long have you been here?
Toymaker: Oh, not long. Fascinating world, isn't it?
Doctor: Yes, it is.
Toymaker: Your favourite, by all accounts.
Doctor: Yes. Is that why you came here?
Toymaker: The ingenuity of the locals is really quite remarkable.
Doctor: Is that why you came here?
Toymaker: And they do so love playing games. All sorts of games.
Doctor: Have you come here for me?
Toymaker: My dear Doctor, the last time we met, you were victim of your
own intellectual conceit, which now seems to have developed into a
full-blown paranoia. At one time, it's true, I held a passing interest
in your peregrinations through time and space, but the idea that I
should squat on this amusing but depressingly backward planet waiting
for you to drop in, is egocentric in the extreme.
Doctor: You set up the space time vortex.
Toymaker: Doctor, I am the space time vortex!
Doctor: What do you want with me?
Toymaker: You know perfectly well.
Doctor: How often do I have to win before you give up?
Toymaker: Ooo, lots.
Doctor: No more games. I refuse.
Toymaker: One more, Doctor. We'll call that the decider, shall we?
Doctor: Decider implies the scores are even. They're not. I'm ahead.
Let's just call it the last, shall we?
Toymaker: So you accept the challenge, then? The ultimate game. You
will play? Good. Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!
Doctor: Yes, I will play your game, Toymaker. But not yet. Not at all, unless
Doctor: Until I see Peri safe and sound. In the flesh. Where is she?
Toymaker: Close to hand, I assure you. And having the time of her life.
Doctor: I warned you, Toymaker.
Toymaker: I will not harm her.
Doctor: Not you, nor any of your servants?
Toymaker: Ooo. Absolutely.
[Gold Mine ride]
Peri: Hello? Is someone there?
Peri: Oh! Kevin. I thought you were one of the miners. Are you all right?
Kevin: I was going to ask you the same thing.
Peri: How on Earth did you get away?
Kevin: I just played dead until they went away. If they're all that thick, then we have no problems.
Peri: They haven't seemed especially thick to me so far. Any one who can build androids like them isn't thick at all. Did you know they were all androids?
Kevin: What else would they be? Why?
Peri: Oh, just not something you come across every day in off-season Blackpool.
Kevin: I think I've found a way out.
Peri: Oh, at last.
Peri: Are you sure you're all right?
Kevin: One of them rocks caught me a clout, that's all. Go on, you lead the way. Up there, by the log cabin.
Peri: Okay. The sooner we get out of here, the better.
Doctor: Ah, home sweet home. I notice you have to open the door with an old-fashioned key. No magic for you, then.
Stefan: Just get inside.
Doctor: I see there's been a new addition in my absence. What's this monstrosity, then?
(I deduce that it is an arcade-sized video game, given the date of the story is 1985-1986.)
Stefan: It is that upon which you will play your last game with my master.
Doctor: Is that all?
Stefan: It will suffice.
Doctor: Will it, indeed? Does room service extend to some dinner?
(The door slams shut.)
Voice: Oh, ah.
Doctor: Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. Who are you?
[Gold Mine ride]
Peri: Where now?
Kevin: To the left.
Peri: It's all gone very quiet in here.
Kevin: They've all knocked off.
Peri: Just like that? The miners haven't knocked off, surely?
Kevin: Waiting for the night shift to come on, eh?
Peri: Oh, I don't like it. Not one little bit.
(Kevin's voice speeds up a little.)
Kevin: Well, come on, let's get out of here.
Kevin: (normal) I said, let's get out of here.
Peri: Yes. Let's do that.
(The Doctor is doing something that is making beeps and boops to the CCTV.)
Kevin: And then the ruddy miners, or whatever they are, started hurling ruddy
great rocks at us. And here I am. Look, what are you doing?
Doctor: Keep going.
Doctor: Go on, go on.
Kevin: Oh, right. Er, when I came to, it couldn't have been long, I were being
carried by these two laddies. Big heavy blokes they were, with boiler
suits on. They seem to use them as guards around here, though why they
can't have a decent set of clothes beats me. I mean, not many
boilermakers carry guns, do they? Not where I come from, any road. Be a
strike if they did, you can bet on it.
Doctor: All right, you can stop now.
Kevin: I was just getting to the interesting part.
Doctor: Really? Well, that should do the trick.
Kevin: Oh. Good. I'd hate to think it were all for nothing. What is it?
Doctor: That? Oh, it's just a simple three channel laser image loop on
continuous feedback with a quasi-random selector build into the second
output control. I think.
Kevin: What does it do?
Doctor: Like all cameras, it lies. It's sending back a picture of you sitting on the
bed talking interminably. But in it's picture, I'm also sitting next to you.
Kevin: Sort of fascinated, like.
Doctor: Sort of.
Kevin: I can understand that, but why is that thing watching us anyway? I
mean, this isn't your average building society or bookies, is it? I bet
hardly anyone tries to knock over a joint like this.
Doctor: I believe it's meant to ensure that no one gets out, rather than that the wrong people don't get in.
Kevin: I know it'll take a long time, like, but whoever's watching that
picture you've fixed is going to smell a rat after the first couple of days or so.
Doctor: The gentleman who's watching us is, I hope, going to be far too distracted by whichever game he's playing with Peri.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry. That's all he does, play games. Calls himself the Celestial Toymaker.
Kevin: Variety act, is he?
Doctor: That's not a bad description.
Kevin: And just who are you, his agent?
Doctor: Heaven forbid!
Kevin: So what, then?
Doctor: My dear chap, you'd be none the wiser if I told you. And it would take
an awfully long time. Let's just accept things as they are, shall we,
and try and get out of here. Now, empty your pockets on the bed.
(The Toymaker is consulting with his Japanese er, toymaker.)
Toymaker: The time lapse for visual response in the second phase will not be sufficient.
Yatsumoto: Exactly, lord.
Toymaker: What solution do you propose?
Yatsumoto: I believe we should increase the diameter of the carrier here, lord, by
not less than forty microns. That would solve the problem.
Toymaker: Excellent, Yatsumoto. Most ingenious. Thank you. Let California know the change in specification immediately, will you?
Yatsumoto: Immediately, lord.
(Kevin has emptied his pockets for the Doctor's inspection. Sound like it is mostly loose change.)
Doctor: No transducers?
Kevin: Er, no.
Doctor: Fuse wire?
Kevin: It's just not the sort of stuff I carry around with me, even if I knew what half of it was.
Doctor: But what you do carry round with you. Honestly, young people today.
Doctor: When I was your age, I had enough stuff in my pockets to build a
holofield scrambler in five minutes flat. And often did.
Kevin: Why haven't you got what you need now, then?
Doctor: One matures. Now, this video game thing. Can you get the back off it for me?
Kevin: Give me two minutes.
Stefan: California have implemented the new specification, lord.
Toymaker: Excellent. When will production commence?
Stefan: There will be no change to the schedule, lord. Within the month.
Toymaker: Have arrangements been made for the technicians to travel to America?
Stefan: They leave tonight, lord, with your permission.
Toymaker: Data correlation must be complete in two weeks, then.
Stefan: Yes, lord. We foresee no difficulties.
Toymaker: We could even incorporate the results from the Time Lord.
Stefan: And the game's appeal would be truly universal, lord. Heh, heh, heh.
[Gold mine ride]
Fake Kevin: It can't be much further now.
Peri: How's your arm?
Fake Kevin: Fine. Why shouldn't it be?
Peri: The ricochet when we escaped. It was bleeding, remember?
Fake Kevin: Oh, that. Ha, ha. Yeah. No, it's fine now.
Fake Kevin: We should keep going.
Peri: Yeah. After you.
Doctor: No, no, no, no. The doors do not exist. Not our cell door, anyway.
Kevin: Then why does it hurt when I hit it?
Doctor: Well, because it's solid, of course. What do you expect to feel when you hit a solid object? Warm all over?
Kevin: If it's not real, how come it's there?
Doctor: Well, because it is. Can't you trust the evidence of your own eyes?
Or are you one of those fellows who has to go round hitting things all
the time. I knew a chap like that once, in Paris.
Kevin: It doesn't exist, but it's real? It's not there but it's solid?
Doctor: At last I detect a glimmer of understanding. It's a simple
holofield. A hologram. A picture made up of diffracted light, but with
enough energy to give it the appearance and physical attributes of
solid material. Honestly, it's just like talking to primitives. Sorry.
Oh, right, quick.
(The door opens.)
Kevin: Yeah, okay.
Shardlow: My apologies for the victuals, sirs. Cook was expecting you much earlier, and does not, alas, reside in the house.
Kevin: Who are you?
Shardlow: My name is Shardlow, sir.
Kevin: What do you do here, Shardlow?
Shardlow: I am a servant here. As are we all, in our way.
Kevin: Why? Why do you stay here with that lunatic?
Shardlow: Is there a choice, young sir?
Doctor: What game did you lose, Shardlow?
Shardlow: Why, backgammon, sir. At the Hellfire Club, it was. A losing hazard.
Doctor: And when was this?
Shardlow: Why, a beautiful summer's evening, sir. The July of 78.
Shardlow: Yes, sir.
Kevin: That's over two hundred years ago.
Shardlow: Is it, master? Is it indeed? I must confess, it has seemed
sometimes such a very long time. I will return, good sirs, in a quarter
of an hour, with a fish course. We do not keep such a fine table these
days as once we did.
Doctor: Times change, Shardlow.
Shardlow: Do they, sir? Do they indeed.
Kevin: This place is nothing but a flaming asylum. I've never heard such a load of codswallop in all my born life.
Doctor: What you've heard is the plain unvarnished truth, I should think.
Kevin: Two hundred year old geezers serving the grub?
Doctor: More than two hundred years. That's just the time he's been here. He was his natural age before that. Say, what, sixty?
Kevin: Oh, well, that make's a lot of difference, that does, him being two hundred and sixty instead of two hundred. That makes
it a lot more credible, yeah.
Doctor: That poor old man. The gift of immortality doesn't seem to please him that much, does it?
Doctor: When you start counting your age in centuries, you can call
that immortality, can't you? Unlike the rest of your race, you're going
to quibble about definitions? Yes, that would be typical. Spend
eternity defining immortality. That would really satisfy the human
race's yearning for self-justification. Oh, that poor old man.
Centuries of servitude for what? Losing a game. This time the Toymaker
has gone too far.
(The Toymaker laughs.)
Toymaker: Excellent, excellent. The Doctor does not approve of my actions, Stefan.
Stefan: I will have him impaled, lord. His ending will be a terrible lesson to all, echoing down the ages.
Toymaker: Oh, you are very harsh, Stefan. I should then find it even more
difficult engaging the interest of competitors, shouldn't I? The old
man served his purpose very well. The Doctor's righteous indignation
will raise the adrenalin level to a far more combative stage. Now, the
girl. We must hurry.
[Gold Mine ride]
Toymaker [OC]: Hurry.
Fake Kevin: We must hurry.
Fake Kevin: Why?
Peri: I mean, why now, especially? Okay, what was the deal?
Fake Kevin: What?
Peri: When you sold out, what was the deal? Your brother back, was that it?
Fake Kevin: I don't understand.
Peri: Keep away from me!
(They struggle. Fake Kevin's voice becomes slightly higher pitched again.)
Fake Kevin: The start of the game was most amusing, and I wish I could say
you were a worthy opponent, but in truth you'll need to practice for a
long time. We shall have to see what we can do about that.
Fake Kevin: Take her to your master.
(The mechanical guards take Peri away.)
Peri: Who are you? No! Ow!
Kevin: What are you making? It looks like a colander.
Doctor: It isn't.
Kevin: You could use that very nicely to strain brocolli. Patent it,
make a fortune. I'm very fond of a bit of brocolli, but it's the very
devil to strain.
Doctor: Unlike what passes for your brain.
Kevin: But I reckon you're going to use it for something else.
Doctor: Going to have to, old chap. No brocolli. Now, just a couple more adjustments.
Stefan: The technicians await your pleasure, lord.
Toymaker: Stefan, I have just discovered a new way to enjoy myself. Something I haven't experienced for a very long time.
Stefan: I'm glad to hear of it, lord.
Toymaker: You don't understand, Stefan. I have actually found a new distraction. Something I can develop. Something with almost
boundless possiblities. Why, it could even be good for centuries. I cannot become another person, that is beyond even my
capabilities. But I can pretend to be another person to the point where even their dearest friend or closest relative would
never know the difference. The possibilities for sport are positively enormous. I owe that young lady and her friend a
Stefan: Lord, may I proceed with my game of backgammon? The old man.
Toymaker: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. After the trial run, if you wish.
Stefan: Thank you, lord.
Toymaker: But Stefan? Make sure you win, won't you.
Stefan: Yes, lord.
Doctor: Are you sure you haven't got any transducers?
Kevin: Won't it work without one?
Doctor: Well, of course it won't work without one. How could it
possibly work without one? Do you think I'd be sitting here twiddling
my technically brilliant thumbs if it would work without one? Well, it
might. It just might.
(The sound of the door being unlocked.)
Doctor: Quick, hide this thing. Under the bed with it.
(Peri is pushed inside, and the door is locked behind her.)
Doctor: Oh, you didn't last long. Quick adjustment. I need
Peri: What are you doing?
Doctor: The security camera. Just putting you in the picture. There. Easier with practice.
Peri: What do you mean, didn't last long? I was nearly killed out there, and so was he. Both of him.
Doctor: A copy?
Kevin: What do you mean, both of me?
Peri: Well, not a physical copy. Well, it was. But then he just faded away.
Doctor: Like the door?
Peri: He was not like a door.
Kevin: Simple hologram, that's all.
Peri: Oh, really?
Kevin: Solid, but not real. You know.
Peri: Oh yeah, sure, that's it.
Doctor: Let's just check, shall we?
Doctor: Seems real enough to me. But then, you can never tell with holograms. That's the point, really, isn't it?
Kevin: Here, just a minute. You think I'm a hologram?
Peri: Not any more.
Kevin: Does he do that to you?
Doctor + Peri: Not any more.
Kevin: You've known each other far too long, haven't you?
Doctor: Long enough to give me a hand when I need it. Come over here and help me with this. Hold this for me.
Doctor: Oh. Oh, you are back, aren't you. Now look what you've made me do.
Yatsumoto: Lord, all is ready. We await only your command.
Toymaker: Excellent, Yatsumoto. You may switch on the machine.
Yatsumoto: Yes, lord.
Toymaker: Beautiful. Beautiful. All is well?
Yatsumoto: The prototype performed perfectly, lord.
Toymaker: You've tried it?
Yatsumoto: In its component parts, honoured lord. There is no error.
Toymaker: But you haven't actually played the machine.
Yatsumoto: I understood that honour was to be reserved for your esteemed guest.
Toymaker: To the victor the spoils, Yatsumoto. You shall be the first to play. Hee, hee, hee.
Peri: And who is this Toymaker?
Doctor: I don't know. Nobody knows. He existed before the start of Time
Lord records. There was an attempt to trace his path through time, but
the researchers got bored with all the games. As my collegues do so
often, they met something they didn't understand and ran away from it.
If they'd been able to control him, they would have investigated
further, I'm sure, But they couldn't, so they didn't.
Peri: A being the Time Lords couldn't handle?
Doctor: Oh, there are lots of them. Time Lords generally aren't very
good at handling things, especially themselves. I'm just the exception
to the rule.
Doctor: We do know he's telepathic, and we do know he's telekinetic. We
know he can withstand the most violent natural forces. He was once
observed playing with a supernova as though it were a paddling pool.
And we know he's old beyond imagining. Most of all, we know he likes
games. And that's what I'm going to do something about.
Kevin: You're going to beat him.
Doctor: I'm going to run away from him and count myself very lucky if I do even that.
(The door is unlocked.)
Shardlow: My apologies for the delay.
Doctor: Oh, nonsense, my dear fellow. We were just remarking on the excellence of the service, weren't we, chaps?
Peri + Kevin: Mmm hmm.
Doctor: If only the accomodation were in the same style, eh?
Shardlow: Alas, sir, my lord has instructed you be kept close
confined. Mistress, I took the liberty of bringing a portion for you
Peri: Thank you.
Shardlow: Both my lord and the master Stefan are much engaged by the
Great Work. They apologise for not giving you the attention they would
wish. In a short time, however, they will be able to devote themselves
entirely to you.
Doctor: Thank you, Mister Shardlow. I appreciate your concern.
Kevin: Is there anyone else here like us? Younger than me. Four years
younger. Dark hair, suit, tall, name of Geoff Bickerstaff.
Shardlow: Why yes, young sir. Master Bickerstaff. But he's not like you.
Kevin: What? Is he all right?
Shardlow: Master Bickerstaff is an honoured guest of my lord. His trusted assistant in the Great Work.
Doctor: Great Work?
Shardlow: Why, mercy, yes. For what other purpose must we all serve?
Not that I shall see the fruits of my labours. Master Stefan has called
me to a game of backgammon, and I shall lose. I always do lose. But I
am promised this is to be the last game. And I believe I owe you a
great debt of thanks, noble sir.
Doctor: Do you?
Shardlow: Why yes, sir. Master Stefan said directly that now you had
arrived to help our lord, the work would be soon completed. Thus my
last game has come.
Doctor: And what is the hazard this time, Shardlow?
Shardlow: Why sir, what else does an old man have to wager?
Peri: Your life?
Shardlow: Of a certainty, mistress. And Master Stefan has always been one to call in a wager. For once, I cannot lose. For even
in losing, I shall win my freedom. Is that not so?
Doctor: Good fortune in any case, Shardlow. Give him a run for his money.
Shardlow: Thank you, sir. I believe I shall. Yes, tonight I believe I shall.
(Playing a video game that involves shooting things that shoot back. It sounds
like Space Invaders or similar. One where you can lose lives,
Toymaker: Well done, Yatsumoto. Well done indeed. The machine is performing
admirably. And who would have thought you would have made it this far?
Toymaker: Oh dear, another life lost. And you were doing so well. Only one life left.
Peri: That poor old man.
Kevin: He'll be all right.
Doctor: Depends what you mean by all right.
Kevin: Well, they wouldn't hurt him, would they? Not over a stupid game.
Doctor: If he loses, I shouldn't think he'll feel a thing. We'll just have to
get there before the game's over, that's all. Give me a fork, would you?
Kevin: Here you go.
Doctor: A clean one?
Doctor: What did you train as, a plumber's mate?
Toymaker: Oh dear, Yatsumoto. You're out of ammunition.
Yatsumoto: Oh, that's it. I am sorry, my lord. I did my best. The game is over. But I've lost.
Toymaker: Lost? Yes. But the game is not quite over.
Yatsumoto: No, lord. Stop it, lord, I beg you. No. Urgh. No, no, help me, lord. Keep it away from me. Save me!
Toymaker: But you lost, Yatsumoto. Lost.
Yatsumoto: No! Argh!
(The Space Invader attacks Yatsumoto, I think.)
Toymaker: What a marvellous toy.
Doctor: Put that in there, and there. Right. That should do it. I hope.
Kevin: At last.
Peri: You still haven't told us what exactly it's going to do.
Doctor: As we explained earlier, the walls of this cell, like young Kevin's
doppleganger, are holograms. This little device will disrupt the
holofield, rendering the wall between us and the corridor both
invisible and insubstantial.
Peri: Allowing us to escape!
Doctor: Precisely. Let's give it a go, shall we? There.
(The Doctor's gizmo whirrs, and something electronic happens.)
Doctor: Ah ha! You see? The door and the wall just fade away.
Kevin: Er, that's not the only one. The wall between us and the next cell's going as well. There's some kind of monster.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry about him.
Peri: No, Doctor, that wall's going as well. There's something behind there, too. It looks like an android.
Doctor: Ah. Not so sure about that one. Time to make a quick exit, I think. Come on.
(They receive electric shocks.)
Kevin: Ow! The wall's still there. It's just invisible.
Doctor: Yeah. No transducers, you see.
Peri: We can't get out. We're trapped with these things.
Doctor: It's all right. There's no reason to suppose they want to hurt us.
Humandroid: I say. You sound to me like some kind of sentient thing.
(It's voice is slightly echoy.)
Doctor: Sort of, yes.
Humandroid: Oh, good show. Very good show. Getting a bit lonely down here, to tell the truth. You know, lonely?
Doctor: Yes, I know lonely. What do you think I am, an unfeeling block?
Doctor: And I'm not a foreigner. You don't have to shout.
Humandroid: Oh. Right. Yes. Sorry.
Toymaker: Stefan, please remove Yatsumoto's remains.
Stefan: Yes, lord.
Toymaker: After tonight, I think we should move to our centre of production.
There really is too much distraction here, and it's possible we may soon
attract the attention of the local militia. America, in any case, would
be the best place to watch the great game.
Stefan: I will make the necessary arrangements. What of this creature, lord?
Toymaker: Afraid, Stefan? You?
Stefan: A man would be foolish to fight that which he cannot kill.
Toymaker: Very wise, Stefan. Like you, the creature is my servant. I gave it life but can take take it away just as easily.
Toymaker: You need be afraid of nothing of which you are the master, Stefan.
Stefan: No, lord.
Humandroid: Sort of boffin bloke, are you?
Doctor: Well, I'm not sort of anything. We haven't been introduced.
Humandroid: Oh, so sorry. One forgets the curtesies out here on the frontier. SB5496/74 at your service, sir.
Doctor: No, what does that stand for?
Humandroid: Stand for? Curious idea. Doesn't stand for anything. It's my name.
Doctor: Oh. Well, I'm the Doctor, and this is Peri and Kevin.
Doctor: And, er, this is. Well, I can't get my tongue round his name. All
glottal stops and constonants. Sort of Cockney Welsh? Terrible language.
Humandroid: Oh, we just call him Mechanic.
Doctor: Very imaginative.
Doctor: Turns out he's a Venusian. They fix things, all the time, everywhere.
Anything from a washing machine to a starship engine. They run half the
space fleets in the galaxy. Or rather, they keep half the space fleets
in the galaxy running. There is a difference, is there not?
Humandroid: Oh, they fix things, all right. Charge the apogee for it, though.
Doctor: What do you expect? It's the only thing they can do.
Humandroid: Funny thing, evolution.
Doctor: A fellow philosopher. How refreshing. Are you by any chance part of the
Pan-galactic Second Federation Force for Peace?
Humandroid: Third Federation, actually, old chap.
Humandroid: Bit of a brough-ha-ha with the Second. Revolutionaries. Fifth column.
Loyal opposition. Something along those lines, anyway. That's when the
fourth front opened up, and that's when the old pins went, too.
Doctor: You're a scout, then.
Humandroid: Rather. Call ourselves Pathfinders now.
Doctor: And you had a famous tradition, as I recall.
Humandroid: We always get our man. Yes, that's it. That's the old Pathfinder tradition. Never lost one yet.
Doctor: The scouts are always followed by their base support teams. Anything happens to them, the battle group follows up and
Humandroid: Knocks seven kinds of ichor out of the opposition. Shoot first, ask
questions after. Not that there's ever been anyone to question. Nothing
but nuclear waste for parsecs. Good old Pathfinders.
Doctor: And poor old Earth.
Peri: How much of you is actually original?
Humandroid: Left hand. Oh, and a bit of my right ear.
Doctor: Our heroic friend here's been engaged in the most futile interplanetary
war in modern history for about oh, a hundred and eighty, hundred and
ninety years now?
Humandroid: Had our bicentennial celebrations just before I left. Jolly good show, what?
Kevin: But don't you mind?.
Droid: Mind? Sorry, don't follow.
Peri: Having so little of the real you left.
Doctor: Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.
Humandroid: No. No, sorry.
Doctor: It is sweet and becoming to die for one's country.
Humandroid: Oh, I say. That's beautiful. You, you feel that way too, do you? Damn good!
Doctor: (sighs) A gung-ho robot, and a ravenous space-plumber. We're going to make an unbeatable combination.
Stefan: All is prepared, lord.
Toymaker: Good. When the final phase is completed tonight, we shall have to
reconsider our employment policy. Those who do not accompany us to America
Stefan: I beg you, do not concern yourself with the details, lord. Their contracts of employment will be properly terminated.
Toymaker: Excellent, Stefan. I knew I could rely on your discretion.
Stefan: Always, lord.
Toymaker: Go now. Anticipation might be half the pleasure, but I have waited long
enough. Bring the Doctor to me. We shall play a game, he and I.
(Sounds of tapping. The Doctor is making noises to himself.)
Doctor: It's not as though the Toymaker is short on resources. No need for him
to save building costs. So why build a high tech barrier system when bricks and mortar would do?
Doctor: Because that's what he knows, and that's what he can control the easiest.
Peri: You said he's telepathic.
Kevin: And something else.
Doctor: Yeah, that's right.
Peri: So, the other Kevin was made up from his mind?
Doctor: Could have been. And the door to this cell undoubtedly is. But the
inconvenience of having to sustain the mental effort bored him. He made
it a simple electro-mechanical device which he could switch on and off
with a flick of his mind.
Kevin: If he's telepathic, he can hear everything we're thinking.
Doctor: Only if he's listening all the time. Well, think of it yourself. If you
could receive every thought of every person within say, what, five
miles? You'd go mad. You'd have to discipline your mind absolutely to
filter out the thoughts you don't want to hear. And you'd have to be
able to turn them off altogether if you wanted to do some thinking
yourself. I'm gambling that the Toymaker's Great Work is of much
more interest to him than anything we may be chatting about down here.
Particularly what we have been chatting about down here.
Peri: But we're still stuck here. Your machine got rid of every wall apart from the one to the corridor.
Doctor: Ah. Now that we've joined forces with our new friends here, escape is
no longer our priority. I've been talking with the mechanic, and he's
going to adapt my little creation for a rather different purpose. He'll
need a hand, though. Rather literally, I'm afraid. That's where you
come in, SB.
Humandroid: Oh, always happy to oblige, old chap. Just say the word.
Peri: Er, Doctor? We have company.
Stefan: Your time has come, Doctor. My lord requests your presence.
Doctor: Ah. Ready to come out and play, are we? Peri, when you want me, just give me a yell, will you? Just give me a yell?
Peri: Er, okay. Whatever you say. Doctor?
Doctor: See you later.
Doctor: I understand you play backgammon.
Stefan: A little.
Doctor: We must have a game sometime.
Stefan: Ah. But there is no more time, Doctor. Not for you. Besides, I've played once tonight already. (laughs.)
Doctor: Have you. Have you, indeed.
Stefan: The Doctor, my lord.
Toymaker: Ah, Doctor. Good of you to come.
Doctor: Your choice, Toymaker. Not mine.
Toymaker: Please, sit.
Doctor: Thank you. Oh, I do admire your taste in furnishings, I must say. But
don't you think that tapestry's a bit too recherché? I mean, I'm very
flattered and all, but I did make it in a hurry and the Han Sen original
was awfully grubby by the time it reached me.
Toymaker: During one of your meddlings, I take it?
Doctor: Not mine. As I recall, the British fleet was busy shelling the city at the time. They were the ones doing the meddling.
Toymaker: The Opium Wars?
Doctor: Yes. Right up your street, all that, wasn't it?
Toymaker: I wasn't there.
Doctor: No, or I'm sure we would have met. With your interest in matters
Eastern, the downfall of the Chinese Empire was a foregone conclusion anyway.
Toymaker: You do me too much honour.
Doctor: Oh, I don't mean to. After all, you lost, didn't you? It would have suited you far
more to keep the corrupt Empire going for another couple of thousand
years. Lots of room for games in Imperial China, eh?
Toymaker: Lots of rooms for games anywhere on the planet, Doctor. As you and I have
remarked, the human race is a very ingenious little species.
Doctor: They can be more ingenious if they're pointed in the right direction.
Toymaker: How very patronising.
Doctor: Well, that's another difference between you and me, Toymaker. I'd sooner patronise them than butcher them.
Toymaker: I am yet again astonished that with such differences between us we can still enjoy the odd game together.
Doctor: I don't enjoy them, odd or not. I play them because you force me to.
Toymaker: And you're confident of winning again this time, are you, Doctor?
Doctor: Why not? You can't have got any better.
Toymaker: Whilst you've had plenty of practice.
Doctor: As much as I wanted.
Toymaker: Good. We shall see if you are sufficiently prepared.
Doctor: Why did you come here, Toymaker? The natives are ingenious, certainly,
but no more here than a dozen places I could name in this galaxy alone.
Toymaker: But it's not just ingenuity, Doctor. The local inhabitants have an
obsessive interest for games rivalling my own. In one of their greatest
wars, one that involved the whole planet, they stopped fighting
one day and played games together, between the barbed wire. Can you
imagine? There's a tribe to the east who, until very recently, played a
game using their former enemies heads as a ball. My little pranks pale
Doctor: There are madmen and cruel children in every society.
Toymaker: But not at every level of that society. No. Sometimes I think this world was made for me.
Kevin: He can tap all he likes, I don't know what he wants.
Humandroid: I don't understand how we're supposed to give him a hand if
(The Venusian mechanic speaks.)
Humandroid: Here, steady on. Do you mind? That's my second best arm.
Peri: That's it.
Peri: That's what he wants.
Humandroid: Bit early for lunch, old girl.
Peri: Look, he can't very well build anything with that claw of his, can he?
If he's a mechanic, he must have a whole range of tools. How does he
hold them? Look, there are all sorts of sockets and grooves and
Kevin: Oh, yeah. Isn't evolution something?
Humandroid: That's what I said, sort of. Well, all right. Just give the old arm a couple of turns.
Kevin: Okay. Yeah. Oh.
Humandroid: Ow! Wrong way, old chap.
Kevin: All right, all right. What do you think I am, a neurosurgeon or something?
(The arm is removed.)
Peri: I guess we just plug it in to one of these sockets on the mechanic's claw.
Kevin: Looks like he agrees. Here you go.
Humandroid: Actually, the trigger finger on that one's a bit stiff. You don't think
he'd give it a bit of a tweak while he's at it, do you?
Peri: You ask him.
Doctor: The vortex isn't running now, is it?
Toymaker: It fluctuates.
Doctor: But you can intensify it?
Toymaker: On occasion.
Doctor: Doesn't affect Stefan.
Toymaker: Doesn't it?
Doctor: Nor any of the other people around you.
Toymaker: Like a child fishing in a pond.
Doctor: I must say, you seem to hang on to your staff for an impressive length
of time. Two hundred years for poor old Shardlow, wasn't it?
Toymaker: I really couldn't say.
Doctor: And how long has young Stefan been with you?
Toymaker: Stefan was my first, and my best, recruit. We had a game of dice, didn't we, Stefan, in Constantinople.
Stefan: We did, lord. Never was I so pleased to lose a game of dice. I was with
Barbarossa, the army of the Third Great Crusade against the Turk.
Doctor: Oh, the Third Crusade? One long blood-bath. You killed more of each
other than any enemy. One of the most savage and barbaric forces in history.
Stefan: We took what we wanted. We bowed our heads to our feudal lord only. To no other man of this world, or any other.
Toymaker: You wagered a Greek family, didn't you? They were Greek, weren't they?
Stefan: They were, my lord. Strong and good workers, too, given the right treatment.
Toymaker: Whatever became of them?
Stefan: You sold them, lord.
Toymaker: I suppose I did. What else would one do with a Greek family? Oh, it's a long time ago.
Doctor: Eight hundred years.
Toymaker: Does it seem a long time to wait, Doctor, for a game? I've been waiting a lot longer than that.
Doctor: Time, as someone once said, is relative.
Toymaker: Come, Doctor. Pleasant though this little chat is, we should move to a resolution on the main event, should we not?
Doctor: I simply refuse to play. What would you do then? Lock me away for ever?
Toymaker: Something like that, Doctor. And whilst you were locked away, Stefan
here would have no end of amusing games with your two companions. The young lady first, I imagine.
Doctor: Well, what are we waiting for? Time's a-wasting.
Toymaker: And we mustn't waste time, must we, Doctor?
Kevin: Looks like he's making a better job of it than the Doctor did.
Peri: Don't let the Doctor hear you say that.
Humandroid: Back home, they built an entire race of robots to do the all messy
work. And funny thing is, those robots make the most marvellous after
dinner speakers. Had one in our mess one time. Jolly good, I must say.
Don't know how they do it.
Peri: Do what?
Humandroid: Well, you know, sort of teach them how to do that. Speak well, crack the odd funny,
you know? I mean, look at the mechanic chap here. You wouldn't think he'd know where to start, would you?
Kevin: No, you wouldn't, would you.
Peri: I wonder how the Doctor's getting on?
Doctor: So, this is your challenge, is it? Your so-called ultimate game?
Toymaker: It meets with your approval, I trust?
Doctor: Fine. But I prefer the classic simplicity of Space Invaders myself. I
mean, they were good for what, a good ten or fifteen seconds before
they got boring.
Toymaker: I shall try to ensure that you are not bored, Doctor.
Doctor: I'm sure.
Toymaker: There is only one rule.
Doctor: Win? Yes, I know. What's the high score, a hundred and twenty five thousand five hundred and fifty? Who made that?
Toymaker: I did. With some coaching from the other Master Bickerstaff, a true genius at this particular entertainment.
Doctor: Last player, two thousand five hundred and fifty.
Toymaker: Are you ready?
Doctor: Not quite.
Toymaker: Then let us begin.
Doctor: No. What? Now, this must be left and this is right. Ooo.
Peri: Oops. Sounds like a problem. Perhaps he's run out of parts?
Kevin: I'll bet it's the transducers again.
Humandroid: Ah, transducers, is it? I had my own replaced only the other century.
Take a look. They're the latest model. I'm dashed proud of them.
(The Venusian mechanic does.)
Kevin: What's it doing? Oi, you can't just help yourself to someone else's transducers. He might need them.
Humandroid: Honestly, it doesn't hurt a bit. All in a good cause, I'm sure. I
remember a terrific scrap off Vega Five. Both arms, both legs and half
me head missing. Then a lump of atomic shrapnel split my ship stem to
stern. Caught me across the chest. They did a marvellous job of me
after that. Latest everything. Wonderful thing, medicine.
Doctor: Ooo, yes. Ha, ham ha. Uh oh. Oh, very well paced, Toymaker. Almost enjoyable. Obviously a lot of research in this.
Toymaker: Years and years.
Doctor: At the fun fair, I suppose. All those bumps on grab handles, pressure
pads on the seats. Whole place wired like an octopedal dishwasher.
Random blood tests from medicals, too, I shouldn't wonder.
Toymaker: I could hardly bring several million people here for tests, could I?
Doctor: And you'd have to test millions to get these results. Yes, I can quite
see that. But why? I mean, you don't need the money, do you? No, no, I
can't see you in debtor's prison, worse luck. They don't have those any
more, do they? Well, not here, anyway. Ah ha. Yes! Do I get my money
back when I win?
(The Toymaker laughs.)
(Over the sounds of mechanical workmanship.)
Humandroid: So I said to the Sergeant Major PF4963, I said, I know it's going to be
hell, but I want that kite back in the air by twenty seven hundred
hours. And do you know what he said to me?
Peri + Kevin: (bored) No.
Humandroid: He said, sir, he said. For you
Peri: Hey, it's all right, old chap. I think the mechanic needs your speaker for something.
Kevin: Looks like he's got his eye on you now.
Peri: Hey, I need all my bits and pieces myself.
(The Doctor is still playing the video game.)
Doctor: Oh, quite ingenious. Didn't see that one coming.
Toymaker: Met your match, Doctor?
Doctor: Hardly. Take more than a few lucky shots to. Argh.
Toymaker: Another life lost.
Doctor: It's not over yet, Toymaker.
Kevin: Any ideas what it's all for? Looks like maybe some kind of helmet.
Peri: Whatever it is, I hope we find out pretty soon. Ow!
Peri: Oh, no. You're not having my arm. Ow!
Peri: No! Please. Ow.
(The Doctor is struggling to keep pace with the game.)
Doctor: Hundred and twenty five thousand, Toymaker. Not far to go now.
Toymaker: But will you make it, Doctor? Your progress has slowed. You are tiring.
Doctor: Urgh, ah, ah. There's something, something else here. Something behind all this.
Toymaker: Just one life left. Doctor.
Doctor: One life left. Still, one life. One! That's the answer. One. One alone.
Ha! One. One alone. There's just you. No one like you, ever. This game,
just one fighter, one enemy, one on his own. You're not from this
universe, are you?
Toymaker: The game. You're not thinking about the game.
(Tinny trumpets play.)
Stefan: The high score, lord. A hundred and thirty one thousand. The Doctor has beaten you.
Doctor: You're not from this universe. That's why there's no trace. That's why
the laws of this universe don't concern you. You're from another time and space.
Peri: He wants me to put the helmet thing on.
Kevin: Sooner you than me.
Peri: Well, at least he doesn't want to pull my arm off. Okay, lower away.
Doctor: Whatever catastrophe it was, it hurled you from your own universe into
this one. You carry your own matter with you. Not anti-matter,
obviously, but different from ours. Relativity, that's the key. Your
universe is receding so fast it's pushing your time back as it goes.
You'll live for millions of years.
Toymaker: I have done.
Doctor: The isolation of eons. The crushing boredom of thousands of millennia. Oh, you poor, poor creature.
Kevin: Okay, it's all powered up. Er, what now?
Peri: I don't know what to do.
Kevin: Come on, mate. What's next?
Peri: Why's he just standing there? I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do.
Toymaker: I grew tired of creating. Ships, cities, continents, whole planets even.
I transported life, I colonised, I helped it survive and thrive, for
millennia. For hundreds of millennia. Thousands. Until I came to
destroy, wantonly, willfully, the same ships, the same planets I helped
create. And that too became too easy, too empty. Meaningless
destruction is as appetising as meaningless creation, and just as
unfulfilling. Until I found distraction in the worlds of games. Until I
could throw off pretence of purpose and meaning. Until I too could be a
prey to chance and hazard.
Doctor: What the?
(The enemy comes out of the game.)
Toymaker: Hazard, Doctor, which you have lost.
Doctor: Is that what you want to unleash on the world?
Toymaker: This, and thousands like it. There's nothing to stop me now. You refuse
to serve my purpose and you will now pay the price.
Toymaker: Kill him. Kill him!
Peri: Is there a button, a switch, anything?
Kevin: Um, er, nothing. Nothing I can see, anyway.
(The Venusian mechanic growls.)
Peri: Yes, all right. What am I supposed to do?
Kevin: Yeah, all right, mate. Calm down. Well, there's no need to
(Growl, sound of ripping cloth.)
Peri: What are you doing? No. No, keep back. Keep away. (screams.) Doctor! Doctor!
Peri [OC]: Doctor!
Toymaker: Argh! No! Stop it! Stop it! Stop!
Stefan: Lord, what is wrong?
Doctor: Looks like a bit of a brainstorm, doesn't it?
(The Toymaker is whimpering.)
Stefan: What have you done? You'll pay for this.
Doctor: Oh no, you don't.
(A struggle and a gunshot.)
Stefan: One life left, Doctor.
Doctor: No, Stefan. Behind you!
(Stefan screams as the nasty thing from the game pounces on him. The Toymaker continues to whimper. Peri's scream echoes.)
(The Doctor runs to -)
Doctor: Well done!
Peri: What about me?
Kevin: Yes, and me.
Doctor: Don't worry, you'll be fine. Now, come on, upstairs.
Doctor: Search everywhere you can think of.
Peri: For what?
Doctor: His telemechanical relay.
Kevin: His tele what?
Doctor: Telemechanical relay. The relays he uses to operate the holofield
downstairs, and everything else he wants to control without really
Peri: What does it look like?
Doctor: I haven't the faintest idea. Just look for something you've never seen before and
can't imagine a use for, and we'll start with that.
Doctor: Over on the wall. The other tapestry. Rip it down. We must find it before he regains consciousness.
Toymaker [OC]: (weakly) Doctor. Doctor. (strong) Doctor.
Doctor: We must hurry. Ah! Eureka!
Peri: You found it.
Toymaker [OC]: Doctor.
Doctor: (in pain) Ow. Just need to
Toymaker [OC]: Doctor!
Peri: That's it?
Kevin: It's over.
Doctor: Come on. No more games.
Toymaker: Doctor, I have had millions of years to devise a punishment for you. I have millions more to inflict it.
Doctor: Time you have, yes, Toymaker. Time enough to drive any being mad. But you're no more a threat to anyone. Recognise this?
Toymaker: The relay.
Doctor: Yes. Your own telepathic relay switch for the holofield which now
surrounds you. Tuned to your own thought frequency. Locked into a loop
by the power of your own brain. It will function as long as your brain
functions, even when you're asleep, until you're dead.
Toymaker: (terrified) Noooo!
Doctor: I detest caging even the wildest beast, Toymaker, but for you there is no other answer. Goodbye.
Peri: Is he still unconscious?
Doctor: Unfortunately for him, no.
Kevin: We'd better get out, then.
Doctor: He can't hurt you now. I've locked him in the same sort of holofield as he kept us in downstairs, powered by his own thoughts, locked in an endless, eternal loop.
Peri: His telepathy! He can order someone outside to destroy the relay.
Doctor: You know nothing about time, Peri, nothing. I just told you, he's
trapped in an endless loop, the eternal circle. No beginning, no end.
The law which applies to all universes. His thoughts will just go round
and round, trapping him, holding him, echoing all around him for the
rest of time. It's loathsome.
Peri: When I screamed, I saw something. A monster. An unstoppable monster.
Doctor: When you screamed, you flooded his mind. The mechanic rigged up a
broadcast transmitter on the same wavelength as the controls he used
for our prison. You obviously caught some of the backwash.
Peri: And the monster I saw would rampage all over Earth?
Doctor: It certainly would. It and thousands like it, generated by anyone
losing at the Toymaker's latest game. For that was his Great Work.
Peri: Then you had no choice.
Doctor: But don't you see, Peri? I have some idea of what it will be like. The
endless, unbroken stream of time. Nothing but time.
Peri: Well, we can't just leave him where he is, cluttering up Blackpool for the rest
of eternity. We'll get back to the Tardis, and you can use the
transdimensional stabiliser to whisk him off to somewhere he won't be
noticed. Then you can ferry our friends downstairs back to where they
Doctor: What do you think I am, a cosmic taxi service?
Peri: Now that you mention it.
Geoff: Hey, there's a hell of a racket down here. I'm trying to get some kip in.
Geoff: Hello, Kev. What're you doing here? Hey, do you know the time?
Kevin: I've been looking for you for ages. Come here!
Doctor: Shall we leave Romulus and Remus to sort things out?
Peri: Good idea.
Doctor:Kevin, somewhere in here you'll find the patents for all those
machines. They're yours as much as anyones. Should be worth quite a lot
of money. Why don't you use it to close down the Toymaker's factory?
The term takeover seems very apt under the circumstances.
Kevin: Ey, I've always fancied setting up on me own, like.
Doctor: Take my tip. Always start at the top if you can. Bye now.
Kevin: See ya. One day.
Geoff: You know, in just a couple of days I've been here, I've seen more oddballs
Kevin: Couple of days?
Geoff: Yeah. You get so you don't ask any daft questions, Kev. Do you know what I mean?
Peri: Where are you going? The way out's back this way.
Doctor: But this is the way back to the Fun Fair. Coming?